Bless you Child

I have two teenage boys. 18 and 15 right now. There are not many moments that take my breathe away - in a good way. Trust me they take my breathe away on a daily basis!! It's more of the - Oh No You Didn't! Hold my breathe - Don't kill them. Kind of take my breath away.

But recently my youngest, who is my most hormonally challenged was standing on my last nerve as usual. So I stopped engaging in conversation and focused on making dinner.  He was "working on homework" at the kitchen table while I cooked. I cut myself, I screwed up the recipe, I had to go down the basement 4 times to get items I forgot. Finally I stood looking out the kitchen window silently crying. Between the constant arguing with my son, my mom's dementia, and my inability to get dinner on the table I was done.

My son just walked over and hugged me. If that wasn't enough he said, "It's ok Mom." It's not I sobbed, Nanna has Dementia, her mom had Dementia, I probably already have it because I can't even make dinner! That's when my snarky 15 year-old son said "Ok first of all you do not have Dementia yet but even if you do get it you have us Mom, and I promise to take care of you."

How do you stop crying after that? Well, with this child, quickly because not wanting to miss an opportunity to make a joke he adds, "Besides by the time you get Dementia I will be a Professional Soccer Player who makes so much money I can put you in a really nice home and hire help. It's alllllll good."

It was the thought that counted and the recording I got.

I'll never make it on NPR

I realized to day as I was listening to The Splendid Table that I will never make it on NPR. When it was time to replace Lynne Rosetto Kasper who did they choose? Francis Lamb. Who hosts Science Friday? Ira Flatow. And there's Ira Glass, Lakshmi Singh, Sylvia Poggiolo....I do not have a cool enough name!! Depressing.

Maybe I should change my name - or get a really good alias?! Remember when Phoebe changed her name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock? And Karen Walker would wipe our her alias in a heartbeat - Anastasia Beaverhausen. I'm not a Dude or a vampire slayer - but Buffy Lebowski has a unique ring. 

Some options have been ruined by popular culture. Once upon a time, the name Hermione would have gotten me a direct line into NPR. Not any more. Being named after a city or state is not longer one off either. There are Dakota's, Carolina's, Boston's, and Brooklyn's.

If I can't come up with the perfect unique name all of my dreams of NPR fame are doomed!

Is there NPR fame? Do any of you even know what I am talking about? Maybe my in at NPR is not my name but my angle. My unique voice! Sigh - like 50 year-old suburban soccer mom's are "unique". I'm doomed.

Well - if anyone has a suggestions I will take it. I don't have much left, but this dream. It's NPR or BUST.

The Squeaky Wheel gets the Grease

Our dinner discussion recently centered around certain saying we will never understand. One of my son's mentioned never understanding the saying, "They can't see the forest for the trees," I'm 50 years old. I am not sure that I understand it. At one point I thought yeah yeah I get it...someone who is only looking at this not the bigger picture. But then the fixed vs growth mindset and mindfulness movement took off and it stresses staying in the now, the moment, the trees. Now I am confused again.

Another saying that came up was "the squeaky wheel gets the grease". My kids have heard this numerous times because I have one son (like me) who will not open his mouth. Then I have one son (like his father) who can't shut up. This saying comes up in conversation a lot with my older son as I try to tell him that advocating for himself is important. Teachers, coaches, friends, parents can not help you if you do not communicate with them. 

What is the opposite saying from "The squeaky wheel gets the Grease?" What do I say to my younger son who squeaks about everything! and I do mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!! But he is in a generation, a current culture that reinforces this idea of Squeak! Squeak away! Everything you think and feel is tragic, epic, and important.

Call me old. No really, I am, it's all good. I have not found enough hard scientific evidence to confirm this phenomenon. We chickens have not produced a generation of Eagles that are far superior. It is exhausting. Having to adhere to a dress code is not a sexist antifeminine fascist regime. Baseball does not need to change the name of the Bullpen because cattle might be offended. And no one cares what you eat for every meal, how many times you workout, or every single outfit change. YOU ARE NOT AN EAGLE.

Every generation should strive to be better. To right some wrongs. Teach their children well. But that generation should also learn their history because if they do not, they are doomed to repeat it. Do we not have enough examples in history to know that powers divide so they can conquer?! We are in this together! We are all human and we have more in common than difference. We all seek to survive, procreate, and protect.

Social Media is the most Unsocial thing there is! Facebook has literally wiped out human interaction. People sit next to each other "sharing" posts instead of talking. Followers are not friends. Friends are the people who show up to help you move, watch your kids when you have the flu, or drive you back and forth to Chemo. Celebrities are human beings that WE as other human beings have decided to make an Eagle. Yet, once we make them an Eagle we get pissed that they are up there and then start hacking at their wings. God forbid those Eagle soar unlike us chickens stuck here pecking at the ground.

What is the opposite saying? How do I teach my children when to squeak and when to silence their squeak and keep moving. How do I teach my children that being a chicken is just as valuable - more valuable- than being an Eagle? Eagles are rare, beautiful, and majestic, Chickens are too. How do I know. Because I am a chicken, surrounded by chickens that I love. That astound and amaze and humble me everyday.

My 80 year-old neighbor who was in IT from the start of it all still volunteers his time to underprivileged schools that need IT services. My Aunt the life-long nurse retired to volunteer at Hospice. And so many people that I have met while working in Non-profit! Engineers that give their time to build adaptations for children's with special needs, CEO's who give their time to read resumes and give mock interviews, people who donate their sewing skills to adapt pajamas for patients at Children's hospital, the teachers that have done more than babysit my children but have pushed them harder, made them walk taller, loved them like their own!!! the list goes on and on AND ON!

Those chickens....those chickens make the world a better place. Without social media, without fame or fortune, just by being their own rare and beautiful self. This is what I strive to teach my two beautiful chickens. The world needs more chickens than it does Eagles, and being an Eagle isn't any easier than being a chicken.

SNL clip

My chicken and eagle reference is from the brilliant Poet Taylor Mali. If the SNL clip made you laugh check out his poem What Teachers Make

What a day!

For anyone with teenagers, you know how few days are - WOW! Today was one of those rare days for my youngest son. He got in the car and said - Wait till you hear about today. I held my breath for the first few minutes but it wasn't one of those days....

His day started with a power outage. OK, simple snag, right. Just getting started, next the fire alarms go off, not just once but several times leaving everyone outside for 45 minutes. The power outage did not just turn out the lights, it also blew powers strips and other items. (Uh oh) The bigger issue, whatever it was that blew up at the Elementary school across the lot sent the kids and teachers running. (so to speak) After alerting the little ones parents, they brought the remaining students over to the High School where the generators finally kicked in. They didn't have all their lights, internet, etc. But they could run the cafeteria and that's all the school district needs to keep them at school. (not the high point for my teenager) However, he was stupefied that while running on generators the cafeteria managed to make the best lunch yet.

The schedule was already modified today to accommodate presentations for all the 10th grade. The morning craziness just added to the overall destruction of a productive day. He talked more about all the people he hung out with during the fire alarm, who he talked with during the presentation, lunch on the fly, and getting the scoop during his study hall which he spends helping run passes in the counselors office. 

What is the WOW part - my son talking animatedly all the way home. He didn't grump, growl, or snark at me. He didn't get on his phone. This is truly a gift to the parent of a teenager. Several minutes of respite from being the stupidest person on earth. A glimpse back to the wide-eyed little one that wanted to tell you all about their day. A moment to remember and yet look forward because as long as these days seem, they will not last forever.

Here's to a Crazy Day!!

How to raise a Hostage Negotiator

My youngest son is also my most stubborn son. But let me say - not the most stubborn in the house - that Award goes to my husband. Stubborn people get a bad rap and understandably as I have spent hours complaining about it I can not deny that. If I look at the last 25 years with my stubborn husband, there are times when it worked to his advantage. Not mine maybe but his. And I also have to add that with stubbornness comes Passion. Great, Huge, Bigger than life Passion.

It is with great passion and stubbornness that my youngest son is writing an argumentative essay on why students should get less homework. Although he is not the first person to write this essay as a quick Google search reveals, I am quite confident he is the most persuasive.

This is the child who could tantrum for 3 hours straight for no real reason we could see other than he didn't want to go to bed. This is the child who could scream for 35 minutes about having to pick up his toys. This is the tween who had over 50 reason why he could not take a shower two days in a row. He is now the teenager who goes toe to toe with his Dad everyday on everything because, "He thinks he can do whatever he wants and get away with it!"

Do you see why we have been calling him the hostage negotiator since he was born!

We were "discussing" his essay the other day after I asked him to go home after practice and take a shower first before he started his homework. I didn't want worms for dinner but since I opened the can..."I have too much homework to do. I am a student first, without good grades I will never get into college. I can't take a shower first I won't get to bed on time and I'll be off my sleep schedule. If teachers didn't give so much homework I wouldn't be screaming at you - it's all their fault! Studies show that homework is not effective - most of it is busy work - and 60% if it does not even get graded...." 

There are days this isn't funny. Exhausting. Annoying. Hurtful. Not funny. But when I have a moment to step back, listen, think - How can he use his powers for good? That's when I wonder - if stubborn indignance is just passion undirected? If I can motivate that passion in the right direction, I know that he can take over the world. Or at least get High School students less homework.

What's the hardest thing about Parenting?

 All of it!

Recently, I was talking to a friend who is a HS administrator. I asked "How's it going?" Knowing this was probably a tough question to answer considering the last two school years. He gave a heavy sigh, and said, "It is not the year we expected, but there is more good than bad."

Afterwards I thought about his response and figured that is why he has been able to do his job for so many years. He looks for the good, he doesn't count up the bad. I think this could sum up Parenting. If someone had told you before you had kids, You'll go from 2 am feedings to 2 am phone calls in about a minute. Oh, and in between, every time you think you have it figured out, it changes. Good Luck. Would you still do it?

This parenting game is hard. The rules aren't set, the manual is incomplete, and everything and Everyone is always changing. There are the days when I am parenting and being parented all at the same time. I thought looking up the definition would help solidify this for me: The activity of bring up a child. Thank you Captain Obvious.

What is the hardest thing about Parenting?

Not knowing. Never knowing. And at the age that I am, taking care of my parents.

I wish that my Grandparents were still around, because I think I am really ready to hear what they were trying to tell me all those years ago. At age 16, I couldn't imagine being a mom, let alone having to take care of mine. Grandparents know this and they try to tell us those pearls of wisdom, but we can't hear what we are not quite ready for.

I wonder what my Grandparents would have said if I'd asked - What was the hardest part thing about being a parent? Then I remember all the hugs and kisses and hearing them all say - The Best part of being a Parent is having grandchildren.....I guess they did answer after all.

Kindness counts

 Three things happened recently that showed my family how much-Kindness counts.

One of the soccer moms stopped me to say how much she appreciated my son going out of his way to be kind to her son. I thanked her and then made my typical sarcastic remark, "We'll let him eat tonight." My son knew that the injured player was struggling and he knows how that feels.  Watching every practice, sitting on the bench during the game, feeling like "poop". Not his actual words, but I can't type that here.

My oldest son has been getting up early to workout before class each day so he is one of the first and only people in the cafeteria. Two days in a row he watched someone struggling to get breakfast due to a language barrier. On the third day, not knowing the students native language but hoping it was worth a try he said Hello in Mandarin. The students face lite up. The cobbled together a little Mandarin and a lot of hand signals and he helped him get breakfast. The student cam back later and held up his smartphone which read, "Thank you so much. My name is Sung I am Korean. You helped me very much."

I have been interviewing candidates and trying to hire someone at work. Finding someone has been difficult. Having formerly helped people build their resume and learn interview skills I find myself giving out more tips then finding candidates. Twice now in the interview the candidate has broken down about the struggle to find a job and the anxiety of interviewing. Both times we stopped, took a deep breathe, and I shared with them tips and tricks as well as my own stories of struggle to find work.

My family knows that I am interviewing candidates and they ask how it's going. I have shared with them what a struggle it is, especially now, to be in the job market. In my pre-kids life I worked for a Non-profit agency that helped people build their resume, learn interview skills, and worked with employers directly to find them employment. Needless to say I am willing to overlook the poorly written resume and help them our during the interview. I may not have a candidate yet, but I have helped quite a few job seekers do better the next time.

My husband and I preach a lot about being kind, helping where you can, making a real connection with people. I am always hoping we have also been an example of this, but many times the opportunities that present themselves are not in front of others. Hearing thank you from another mom, hearing my son say someone stopped to thank him, tells me that they don't have to be there to see it. And that Kindness Counts!!

Chchchchanges

 "Turn and face the change...ChChChChanges"

I totally flaked on the First Day of School!! It came and went. I didn't get a picture. I'm not even sure that I texted anyone, Good Luck. Sigh

The energy in the house has changed. It's throwing me off. I'm not sure if it's a permanent thing seeing as we down a man, playing one short. Or the new norm. But I don't think that I am the only one feeling it.  My youngest who could ride to school, and practice, and events all last year with his brother is back to riding with me. For me, it's great. As most parents know that time in the car is like a truth bubble, where you finally get to hear about what's really going on in their world. I'm not sure he's feeling it.

I want to make the most of this alone time with our youngest. When you are the second you don't get that "only child" time much. But I am just not how- and I know that he is not looking for it.  He ahs let me sit and watch Anime with him, as long as I don't ask any questions. Have you ever watched Anime? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!

He has less dietary restrictions than my older son and myself so I have let him dictate the menu. Not the greatest move for my stomach but he seems, happy? How do you tell when a 15 year-old is happy?

This child, taking after my husband, loves to argue - about everything. So while I normally avoid starting any conversation without - Or Else! - I have tried to engage in a little lively debate. Yeah, that 's not ending so well either.

But I'm learning! I'm trying. Because its time for change. ugh. Stay tuned!

Today is the day! You've made it Hurray!

I can't help hearing Dr. Seuss in my head.

Oh, the places you'll go

A new chapter, for all of us, but especially for you, my son. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. There will be so many firsts. I am excited for you! 

Take advantage of all of it, enjoy as much as possible. You are ready, you got this....

Love Mom

A Knight in Battered Armor

Twenty hours in the back of a minivan gives a woman plenty of time to read and think. While thinking about something that happened this year I was trying to figure out the best way to tell my boys NOT to be a Knight in Shining Armor.

Do girls today even want a Knight on a white stead to ride in and sweep them off their feet? Because I feel like there was a time that’s what I thought I wanted, but it’s long gone. Thinking of it now makes me cringe. I truly hope that girls today are not raised to believe they need to be protected, taken care of, or rescued.

Knowing what I’ve learned thirty years later and communications that to my boys with no life experience is hard. Women don’t need a Knight in Shining Armor, they need a Knight in Battered Armor. How do you get battered without getting beaten up by life, or women?

Is it just as effective to tell my boys that women need to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. We need to be equals not only in the housework and raising kids, but making decisions the tough stuff and the everyday stuff. We do not need someone to sweep us up, we need someone to sit with us. We do not need someone to FIX everything - fight the urge to fix it! Just lean in with us, even when its bad, hard, the ugly cry, the unintelligible speak.

My questions is, do girls know what they are looking for? Do they know how to communicate expectations? ( I didn't) Am I pointing my boys in the wrong directions completely?? Both of my boys have talked about how a lot of what girls today are doing on Social Media is male bashing. They come home from school and sports with examples all the time. Last year the girls soccer team literally had a whole season campaign about how they were 10x better than the boys team. still not sure what that was all about.

The only thing I can say, which I have been saying since they were born, is it is my job to keep you safe, and make you a gentleman. I will do my best. The last thing I want is to send these boys out in the world not knowing how to clean a house, do laundry, cook a meal, change a diaper, sew a little, hold a door, pay for dinner, carry on a conversation and most importantly be kind and take care of others.

JOMO - Just one mom's opinion. There is no woman's work and Man's work. It's just work that needs to be done. We don't need rescued: sometimes we need help, sometimes we need company. Kindness wins everything. And their elementary school credo holds true for life: Take care of yourself, take care of others, take care of our wonderful world.

Vacation

 Sighhhhhh…

Can you hear that from here! We are on a family vacation at the beach for five days and I can not tell you the feeling. I am SO incredibly grateful for this time with my family. Getting ready to go on vacation can be so stressful. Just lining up everything at work let alone finding the perfectly most imperfect gap in everyone’s schedule is exhausting.

But we are here. And my toes are in the sand and my kids are playing in the surf, catching fish, and even (Mother Nature cooperating) taking a ride on jet ski’s!! After all the world has been through in 2020, and continues to struggle with, I just can’t put into words how grateful I am to have this opportunity.

I can’t help thinking about the first time we went to the beach with the boys. The cutest part is how little has changed! My oldest is the water baby and is always the first in and last out. And the one who can pick up his mom and carry her out past the breakers. He is also my digger. Building a sandcastle or digging a hole that fits his now 6’4 frame. My youngest is the animal lover, or torturer I am not sure. Digging up sand crabs, holding them, and them watching them scuttle back under the sand. He also loves to chase seagulls, well any bird really. But he will run up and down the beach scattering them in every direction.

I was sitting alone for a bit on the beach and a woman not far from me was there for the second day all alone. As she got her book out I asked what she was reading because I needed a beach book. I struck up a conversation and as it turned out she was alone because her husband passed last year of Covid. She said this was part of her new start learning to do things alone. Her kids were worried about her, she said, if they are that concerned they could give me a few granbabies to take care of! We chatted a while before both going our separate ways.

I am so incredibly grateful for this time with my family and the memories to add to my collection.

Dreamer

 Cheer up, sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean that

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen

With my oldest getting ready to go off to college, the focus is turning to the youngest. What does he think he wants to do? Did he get all the classes he needs next year? Has he even touched his summer homework!!

My youngest is my dreamer. I want to be supportive. I want to tell him he can do anything he puts his mind to. And yet a part of me is screaming in my head - ARE YOU NUTS!

How do you decide as a parent when to push, when to encourage, and when to say, This is not in your wheelhouse. It's a horrible enough feeling but even worse is when I can't fund the dream. I know you want to be a professional soccer player and in order to do that in the American you need to play in an exclusive club year round but I can't afford it. Is that reason enough to give up?

He's not a quitter. He's quite the go getter at 15. He has reached out to Professional teams on his own that have developmental youth club and asked how he can get a scholarship. He goes up to the field everyday. But in so many ways he is still such a 15 year old boy! Getting him to do chores is a Chore! Getting him off Xbox is ridiculous.

Why am I telling you this??? Sigh...I want written proof to show my son in 20 years. Parenting is hard. There are no instructions, there is no handbook, and I want him to know I struggled with how to support him through something I know nothing about.

I want him to know...

A dream written down becomes a GOAL. 

A goal broken down into steps becomes a PLAN. 

A plan backed by ACTION makes your dreams come true

Don't stop dreaming my love! 

It's harder than it sounds!

 About 10 years ago while volunteering in the library at the elementary school I watched the Media Specialist who was counseling some girls she overheard gossiping on the Golden Rule. I had never heard the Golden Rule stated quite like this "Treat other people, the way you want to be treated, no matter how they are acting."

When the kids cleared out I had to tell her that I was not only very impressed with how she handled the situation, but I was still stunned. I had never heard the Golden Rule stated like that. In all my years at Catholic School - in all the times someone had recited that idiom - no one had ever added "No Matter how they are Acting,"

This was a game changer. I had lived by that Rule my whole life! My life was ruled by that, rule. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. Just trying to treat others the way I wanted to be treated didn't require me to think, or feel, or change my beliefs in anyway. It was like emotional Garanimals. (And you know hoe much I like Garanimals)

I am not sure that I can explain my thoughts clearly yet but that's why I write, so don't be surprised if I come back to these thoughts later with edits.

If you think of the Golden Rule only as - I don't have to understand why people are mean, nasty, hateful, unkind, rude, snippy, or anything else - I just have to treat them with kindness. You are not only repressing a lot of rage (trust me on this one) but you are over looking the core of the Golden Rule. Empathy. Why is this person I don't know treating me like this? For example the co-worker who has not said Good Morning in 3 years. You continue to say Good Morning everyday, and everyday that you do not say something about this hurt to her, and you continue to say Good Morning cheerfully, you get more resentful.  Did you ever stop to wonder what she is going through? Living in an unhappy marriage, leaving a three-year old off at daycare, trying to take care of aging parents, the list could go on....and on and on. Just because you can power through life with little available emotion doesn't mean everyone can. And FYI, that is not in the Golden Rule or the 10 Commandments. Thou shalt not feel emotions, especially at work.

If you think that everyone is following the Golden Rule - you are also going to be consumed by rage. Because not everyone follows the Golden Rule. If I am totally honest there were plenty of times in my life that I took the opposite approach. Usually during a break-up but there were also a few co-workers, loud neighbors, shirt stealing sisters that I plotted revenge against. (not that I ever came up with anything good enough to carry out) But my overall point being that when we assume everyone is playing by our rules and then they don't, it's really hard to show them empathy, kindness, and compassion.

The more time that I spend taking care of my aging parent, the more this phrase rattles in my head. My dad wasn't always (still isn't) the kindest most caring parent. When he gets anxious, or hungry, or needs alcohol he can be a real @hole. it's hard to be kind when your dad is hurling insults at you and harder when you hear him hurling them at your mom

Sigh...I have to keep repeating to myself. Treat other people the way you want to be treated no matter how they are acting. And I think it's starting to stick and in my head when I look at my dad I add - Because he is not trying to hurt you, he is _____ scared, anxious, hurting. He is watching the love of his life fade away from him a little more everyday. He is getting older and finding more wrong with his body everyday. He is facing a reality I am not yet in step with and I can not even imagine how hard it is to face.

It goes back, I guess in the end, it all goes back, to empathy. Taking a moment, taking a beat, taking the time to understand what may be going on and how you may be needed to step up in this situation because they can't. Or how much they may just may need that little bit of kindness at that moment. It's not always easy. Smiling at the driver who flipped me off, giving the cashier a compliment, sending a thank you note for the party you didn't want...those things are easier than telling your dad that it's ok to be scared, but it's not OK to call Mom names. Asking a co-worker if everything is OK, because you feel like maybe they haven't been, for a while. Putting ourselves out there, being vulnerable to people we love or see everyday is HARD. 

That's my challenge. Gandhi's words: Be the change you want to see in the world.

Is it a Greek thing??

 Everything in my house requires an argument. Are you familiar with the teaching tool call the  Socratic method? 

The Socratic method (also known as method of Elenchus or Socratic debate) is a form of cooperative argumentative dialogue between individuals, based on asking and answering questions to stimulate critical thinking and to draw out ideas and underlying presuppositions.

Perhaps it is genetic in Greeks, or my husband only got half the lesson? He tends to forget the COOPPERATIVE and DIALOGUE parts.  When I met my husband my family would tease us by calling us Lucy and Ricky. The bickering was constant and would live both of us upset and one of us retreating to lick our wounded ego. But I specifically remember a time when my parents were visiting and I was driving, I don't think my husband had his license yet, and he was telling me to go a certain way. I told him which way I was going and he was, what I will call, arguing what they would say to day is Mansplaining. I got upset.

Gently from the backseat my mom responded that we were both saying the same thing just in a different way. It was like a lightbulb went off. No wonder I was so mad 50% of the time. I was saying the same thing I just wasn't feeling heard or acknowledged. I would like to tell you we have fixed that but alas...

Then we have two beautiful boys. Low and behold - I have two more boys to argue with. Sigh.

My boys have very different personalities so they do not generally both get argumentative at the same time - yet. Also the things they will push back on differ but that only meant that at any given time I am locked horns with one of my 3 boys. Pushing, pulling, hugging, yelling, laughing, loving working harf to get to the next thing: shower, clean up your room, finish your homework.

Last night, I think I broke. Literally. I am trying to plan a vacation and fast because our window of opportunity is running out and I have asked, cajoled, and pleaded. My youngest son sat down with me for a few minutes to look at the VRBO website and he said, "Mom what's your dream vacation." I just stared out the window and started to cry.

I HAVE NO CLUE!!

It was the word dream that struck me. Because if I could dream anymore, which having been beaten down my the Socratic argument for 25 years I can not, it would just be that none of it is this hard. That planning a vacation would be joyful, fun, exciting, hopeful.

That's when I broke. I just sent them all a text that said "FYI-I'm at the end of my rope, Goodnight." and went to bed.  I am looking for a SA group - Socratic Anonymous.

"Waking up is hard to do..."

 I know these are not the real words, but have you ever sang the wrong words so many times you think everyone else is singing it wrong? This is one of those songs and I woke up after having been dreaming all night about having a Panic Attack singing this in my head.

Transitioning into summer mode is hard. Everyone expects it feel awesome. FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM - You gotta give what you take. Thank you George Michael. (Can't say I didn't butcher the words to this song also)

The start to summer this year was exciting and eventful. Getting ready for graduation for weeks and it was finally here. Processing all that happened and then cleaning everything up, literally and figuratively. And now a solid week of rain. Will I ever get the boys to mulch? Stay tuned!

Summer is so hard, I know,  because of the lack of structure. I think the reason it's gotten harder is because I leave for work for a few hours, write each boy a note flowered with Good Morning, Hope you slept well, here are your chores for the day....and come home to puffy eyed kids still in PJ's still lapping up cereal. Ugh.

What I've really learned over the last 5 years, I HATE being in charge! I want to be home waking up at 10 a.m. eating cereal at noon and maybe getting out of my PJ's in time for laying around the pool. I think I would have done well with lots of money. And then I wake up - because Waking up is hard to do!

Alas, we are here again and seeing as this maybe the last summer my oldest is even home hanging out with us I feel the added pressure to stop nagging and make it FUN. And honestly that is even more exhausting than writing out chores. I am right smack back in the no win job. Seriously, when do I get ot be on the other end of this?

FYI - the other song that I still sing my way is FunkyTown. I know now that they are saying Talk About it Talk About it Talk About it but I still sing - HOT TAMALES HOT TAMALES HOT TAMALES!!!

its more fun

Enjoy

Be a Rainbow in someone else's cloud.
-Maya Angelou

 

Get ready....

 My 18 year-old graduated, heading to college son took off today to watch the State Track Meet. He was alone and it was 2 hours away. I didn't think he would go then he jumped in the car and left and my brain said - 

HEY! DID HE JUST LEAVE? BY HIMSELF? HE'S JUST A BABY? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!

For 30 minutes after he left I fought with myself not to have a panic attack that he was driving two hours by himself to somewhere he had never been.  I had to remind myself that my husband, his father, got on an airplane and flew 5,000 miles to another country when he was younger than 18. Lord how many panic attacks did Gia Gia have sending her only son to the US for a year? Later for 4 years? Eventually forever....

I was remembering when he stared 1st grade. Another mother said to me that letting her child go to be in someone's else care all day was really hard for her. Not knowing what they were doing, eating, feeling all day was terrifying to her.  Oddly I wondered if she and I were separated at birth because it sounded like school was as traumatic for her as it was for me. (that's a whole other can of worms I can save for my therapist) But I understood. Here we are again.

It is that transition, from knowing mostly what he is doing all day, where he is, how it's going. To not knowing. For some reason the human brain seems to equate knowing with safety. If I know he is at school he is safe. Unfortunately for so many people in the US now that has been shattered. Too many school shootings mean that sending them to school doesn't equal safe.

This fall will be another major transition. Not just for me. I know that it is time to let the bird fly from the nest. I am happy for the bird!! Truly. With my anxiety level I just know that it will mean a lot more moments fighting with my brain for control over the panic button. Some days I will win, some days I will lose. I just hope my son is patient with me. 

Everytown.org

That's not illegal. That's Adulting.

 My oldest son checks all the oldest son boxes. He is hardworking, rule following, a straight A people pleaser.  He has spent the last few Saturday's working for different clients of my husband's who just needed some muscle. Odd jobs around their house or yard.

Yesterday at the track meet some fellow runner asked what he was up to tomorrow. He said, "I'm staining a deck." To which one Freshman replied WHY....and thus the conversation ensued.

My Son - "Well they are paying me and college is expensive.

Freshman - "Do you have to pay for college?"

random runner - "You're an idiot!"

Freshman - "I mean aren't your parents paying for it?"

My Son - "I have to help pay for some of it, but yes, my parents are helping I got some scholarships."

Freshman - "So do you like doing like - work?"

My Son - "Well maybe not all of it, but yes I enjoy being outside, landscaping, mowing, digging stuff up, cutting stuff down."

Freshman - "Hmm? I don't think I would like that? Do you like staining decks?

My Son - "I don't know, I'll tell you after tomorrow."

Freshman - "Wait what?!

My Son - "I don't know I've never stained a deck before."

Freshman - "ISN'T THAT ILLEGAL?!"

random runner - "Shut up idiot!"

Freshman - "I mean isn't that like false advertising or something?"

I couldn't help at this point bust out laughing and I interrupted my son's story to proclaim rather loudly - That's not illegal - that's adulting! My son laughed and said that was a better come back than what he said.  But he did shake his head and admit that perhaps I had a good point.

He told me the exact moment at the start of this his Senior year he realized everyone it making it up as they go along.  It was the first day of school and he is the first and only student to take their new Engineering curriculum all 4 years. That meant that this year would be an Independent Study.  Mr. Glazer is not only his favorite teacher but the only teacher he has had all 4 years and the one who wrote several of his college recommendation letters.

My son said to me recently, when I walked into Engineering class the first day this year it was actually the second year students class time. Mr. Glazer got them all settled down and then said to me, well are you ready for this? I was so nervous after all the stuff we had to do to get this approved. I wasn't sure if the Principal and Superintendent were coming back to watch me. I just wasn't sure how this was going to go.

Then Mr. Glazer slapped me on the back and said, Ok. So you can take over the lab and work there. Good Luck kiddo - go figure it out.

I just stood there for a minute stunned. I said thanks, but I thought, Shit (sorry mom) I am really doing this all by myself. I gotta make this sh-stuff up. After about a week I realized that's what all the teachers are doing? They are making it up! Everyday! OMG was that eye opening.

Funny. As a parent the events that you think will impact your kids the most sometimes have no effect and others you may not know about at all - change their life.  This independent study has been fantastic for him. Not because he learned so much about Engineering (he did learn he HATES coding) but because he learned so much about himself, about life. He really needed to know especially after COVID that we all do the best we can everyday. No one has all the answers, no one is perfect, and Hell to the Yes we make it ALL up as we go along.

I know the Freshman who he was talking to and the random runner with all the snarky comments. I know that one of them will be OK the other one, well, he may learn manners eventually. Or not. But what I do know is that life will also give them the opportunity to learn that adulting is not something you can google, or watch on YouTube. It's just figuring it out.

Senioritis- is it on Google Maps?

 I am not sure if Senioritis applies to High School Seniors? Or those of us advancing in age?

Both of those things are happening in our house.  My oldest son will graduate from High School in a matter of weeks as I round the corner getting ever closer to the big 50.  It is very possible that we both have Senioritis right now.

I remember those days leading up to HS Graduation. Wondering why you are at school AT ALL. Over it all and not wanting to be there, but at the same time a little terrified to kicked out of the nest. Totally ready though. Not Really.

As I watch my son ride this roller coaster of emotions I struggle with how to support and help him through it.  It's one of those times when you wish there was more than listening and praying.  Was it easier to be the one in charge of it all? Playdates, bedtime, bath time, extra curricular activities.

When you are in the thick of all of that it isn't easy, it's all new and you struggle with navigating there, just like I struggle to navigate here. Is there a Google Map for this? How great would it be if there was an App for life! Feeling lost - just type it in. Feeling overwhelmed - just type it in. Feeling out of balance - TYPE IT IN.

sigh. digression....type it in.

There is no map for life's big moments and I guess with age we realize that was a good thing. Because it made us forge ahead, figure it out, hopefully enjoy some of the ride. (Unless you're a Nerves Nelly like me)

I want to impress upon my son that as crazy and overwhelming as this all feels he should try to take in some of these moments. It's hard! He doesn't have any friends to share it all with and I get it, without a connection to all of this it seems pointless to even try to be a part of it. Hell, it hurts 10 times worse standing on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoying it.

It just doesn't get any easier when they are the ones who never get invited to the party!!!!

And for the people who say - Well you put yourself there by standing on the sidelines. Seriously? This is not a Senior Year thing. This has been an issue all his life.  Why?? Because we didn't have the money to throw the kids a birthday party every year at Laser Tag? Because we invited your kids over to play in the backyard with the hose and eat popsicles instead of inviting you to the Swim Club with a snack bar account??

He has been asking to get in this game all his life.

I hope and pray that college is different. I hate that all I have is hope. I wish it was still as easy as calling up another mom, setting up a time, and hoping this time our back yard, our hose, and our snacks are enough.

For now, we are wrapping up his Senior Year in a Pandemic. He didn't go to Prom, Senior awards were today and by invite only. He come home and just shook his head, not invited. He missed the Jazz Band party because of track only to find out he is not running in tomorrows meet - but he's going anyway to cheer on his teammates. I hope his teammates appreciate it - but I am sure that they won't even notice.

Set the GPS for Bigger and Better things my love, God Speed.

Cheers

 "Making your way in the world today, 

Takes everything you got,

Taking a break from all your worries, 

Sure does help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away.

Sometimes you wanna go

Where everybody knows your name.

And their always glad you came.

You wanna be where you can see

Your troubles are all the same

You wanna be where everybody knows your name...."

I left a small town because that feeling that everyone knew my name was too suffocating. The fact that I felt judged every minute of everyday didn't feel like a "me" problem but a "this damm small town" problem.  I didn't want to go through life being judged for whose kid, grandkid, or sibling I was let alone the punk ass teenager I tired on for a few years.

So I left.  I went far enough away that no one knew me, but close enough that I could get home and visit the people that meant the most to me. It was never perfect, there were many moments that I second guessed my decision and certainly more that I thought I didn't go far enough.

But with aging parents, menopause settling in, my own kids growing up, and then this pandemic the fact that I live in "my own world" is slapping me in the face. Hard. It would not only be nice to get away, but to go where everybody knows my name.

My husband, whose family is 5,000 miles away, does an amazing job of building a network, making a home and a name for himself.  When I met him in college there was not a student, administrator, or staff on campus that didn't know his name.  Then we moved to the complete opposite side of this major Metropolitan Tri-State Area {insert Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc theme song here} and before you could say "You are so busted!" everyone on this side of town knew his name.

We don't have any family here, and we do not even see the family that we do live near but maybe several times a year, we don't socialize at all, but everyone knows our name.  We are a living breathing example of being lonely in a crowded room.

No one here can tell stories about growing up with us, or us as awkward teenagers, or even the us when we were first married.  No one has been in my children's lives since they were babies and can speak to them about the fine young men they have grown into.  Grandparents, who were such a vital and incredible part of both our lives, are just an image to our children.

After a year of struggling to balance how best to take care of my parents from a distanced distance, how to help my high school Senior navigate the next chapter without looking or touching it, how to support my husband who can only call his mom everyday and listen to her sob about being locked in her house completely alone, ON TOP OF the rest fo life, work, everyday.....

I'd like to get away. Somewhere I can see- troubles are all the same. I wanna be- where their always glad I came. I think I wanna be,,,,where everybody knows my name.

I don't even know what to write!

 As part of my resolve to make 2021 better NO MATTER WHAT I swore that I would write at least one blog a month about the kids.

It's not going so well 😒

It's not like there isn't enough going on within our walls - but I do not want to immortalize it. (leave no evidence) Mainly because I was hoping that my kids would totally forget all the arguing, screaming, confrontation, and crap.  While some of our conversations do not turn into total chaos, we to often use the phrase -" that escalated quickly".

Usually, I am good at picking up on patterns in order to navigate the landmines of loved ones, but these are teenage boys.  The only consistency is that they eat all the groceries I bring home in 24 hours and then complain that there is "Nothing to eat".  Gently reminding them to do their chores sometimes results in blissful ignorance later "Did you say something? Sorry I didn't hear you."  Or the typical teenage snark "I was about to {blank} before you nagged me." All the way up to a full Level 5 nuclear meltdown - "All you do is yell at me, I do everything you ask and it's never enough, do you have any idea how much pressure I am under right now and all you care about are the garbage cans!"

I am sure one day we will all look back on these days with fond memories and laugh and laugh....and cry uncontrollably in the corner while rocking and humming James Taylor to myself. I can complain - and I do but since it doesn't change anything I won't do that here.  The recent snow storms dumped more snow than we have seen in 10 years and the boys slept usually no later than 8 am and then got outside to shovel out all the neighbors that needed it, just because.

There are many things I love about my boys even though they are teenagers and have completely forgotten what hygiene is, how to pick up the clothes on their floor, and that we own a dishwasher.  Life with teenage boys is a double edge sword. I love that they talk to me about school, life, girls, friends. although I sometimes have to remind them that I am a girl and this is not a locker room. STOP FARTING!!

They put up with a lot from me too.  I'm constantly trying to get them to meditate, try yoga, or bake cookies with me. I don't miss not having girls because I never had one, so I don't know what I don't know. Besides, I drug them to dance classes when they were younger and I have two pictures to prove it.  They both have long hair and I have no illusions that doing hair is a fun thing.  I haven't done anything but put mine in a bun for 15 years and both boys - yep you guessed it - Man Buns.

Things I love about my boys

Hugs. When my youngest son  hugs you, you know it. He hugs you with his whole body he always has, when he was a baby I often referred to him as a Rhesus monkey. The best part about my eldest's hugs are they are unexpected. Like a sneak attack. It was great enough when they were little but even better now that they are teenagers because in between hugs is usually a ton of eye rolling, snarking, and heavy sighing.

Exceptions. I feel like my kids are the exception to my rule.  As soon as I think, "Ah, Ha! They take after me." They take a hard left.  Where my husband and I were never burning it up in school they are. My husband ate, played, and slept with his basketball in hopes of being 6'5" and tearing up the courts, my kids don't play. (And they are both now over 6', sorry dad)  I was afraid of everything - they have almost mastered being scared and brave at the same time.  Heck - they can ride on school buses, go to sleepovers, and try new things. They got me beat!

Intuitive. My boys are so much more intuitive then I feel like I will ever be. Perhaps it's because they have had so much more exposure to communicating, feelings, and self-care.  I was determined to try not to break that little voice in their heart that most of us stop hearing by 2nd grade.  If they didn't like a kid and didn't want to go to his house I didn't force it. When my youngest son complained every Sunday night about the yucky feeling he got, we named it and made a time to sit together in the yuck.

Character. My boys have character and they ARE characters! I am so proud of the men I see them becoming. Not just because they take extra care to look out for others who need it in their class, on the team, in our neighborhood but because they are aware of the world around them.  They can have a real conversation with an adult. They are kids that teachers and coaches look to when they need help with anything. And they can make you laugh! My youngest is quick witted but can sometimes have a sharp tongue. The oldest is likely to make a pun without even realizing it while also telling a story that really happened to him but seems utterly ridiculous. (He gets that honestly)

There are so many things I love about my boys and I try to put that on repeat in my head when one of them who hasn't thrown their laundry down for a week is late for something and standing in the hallway screaming "What so you mean you didn't do any laundry?!" I started this blog for two reason - I like to write and I think I do it rather well. And because my husband and I do not live near either of our families.  Some days that makes me sad. I wish our families were here to experience these boys first hand. 

I'm not impressed....

 

Both of my kids have showed me this separately which is not all that unusual but when my husband showed it to me today that was proof that's it's main stream.  I laughed when Peter Sagal of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me said, on the 41st day of December 2020....no one else laughed but I'm used to that.

I had high high hopes for turning this burning garbage barge around in 2021 but then a bunch of who-ha's stormed into the Capitol disrupting, taking pictures, stealing things and making sure to get it all on Facebook for the cops.  They have nailed down that this new variant of the Coronavirus is more contagious than the first one and while some states vaccinate anything that gets in line others are throwing vaccine away because they won't give it to anyone not on the list.

Oh, this feels soooooo familiar. Like little bunny Foo Foo ALL over again!

Little Bunny 2020 hopping through the forest, picking up the 2021 and bashing 'em on the head.

Then along came the Good Fairy and she said, Little Bunny 2020 I don't want to see you picking up the 2021 and bashing 'em on the head. I'll give you three chances, then I 'll turn you into a GOON!

Your three chances were up about 4 years ago 2020 - time to bash you over the head.

(just in case you are not familiar  PG version of Little Bunny Foo Foo)  

Elizabeth is missing?

 If I was looking for things about Alzheimer's it would be one thing, but I am not.  The universe is determined and keeps putting things in my path.  In the past year, in the hundreds of free e-books that I download and read 10 of them have had a character with Dementia.  Several of my podcasters have had experts on discussing the subject of Dementia/Alzheimer's and I've heard countless NPR reports. Just the other day I heard something about a book turned into a movie called Elizabeth is Missing.

Well, guess what showed up on the PBS app today? YES! Considering that I used an entire box of tissues before the movie was over my family may be asking Why are you recommending this movie. Because I have to.

My grandmother and now my mother have been diagnosed with dementia.  I have watched grandparents die of cancer, had friends killed suddenly, watched others struggle with autoimmune disorders, but there is nothing like watching an otherwise healthy parent fade away right before your very eyes.

Everyone suffers differently.  Some people have anger, discontentment, aggression and I saw this in early stages with my grandmother and mom. But for the most part they are "pleasantly confused" as my Aunt likes to say.  They are not, as a rule, aggressive or angry but that can happen. 90%of the time my mom is happy and grateful and somewhat conscious of her lack of knowledge.

Elizabeth is Missing shows the struggle of a daughter to care for her mother whose dementia is very progressed.  Maud, the mother, will put on the tea kettle and then walk out of the house or return home to the vacuum running in the living room. She has 20 cans of sliced peaches but has also found a system of writing things she must remember on post it notes for herself which become essential to the crux of the movie.

Please watch this movie. Even if you do not know someone who suffers from this disease.  It is not only a very well constructed story of redemption but also a realistic look at the heart wrenching ravages of dementia on everyone involved.  And if you do know someone who has it - My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers.  It is not easy. You are not alone.

What to watch??

When the Pandemic hit and my husband was sent home and not sure what was going to happen next we finally took the steps to cancel the ridiculous cable TV package.  Between my husband and the boys they choose the Hulu, Disney +, and ESPN pkg. I didn't weight in because I so rarely watch TV, or did before all this.

I workout at home and one of the rare times I turn the TV on is while I am working out. Hulu turned out to be good for this distraction because I found The Goldberg's and watched the entirety of that show from pilot to finale in about three months.  But finding a sitcom we could enjoy as a family, or in the new downtime that has come from the world being in a state of hiding turned out to be difficult.

Reruns, reboots, remakes of every size and shape. Some worked, some didn't. But while my husband and I could be swooned by the oldies my kids were not at ALL interested.  We tired their picks. Most of which I am still scratching my head at. My youngest is into Anime and my oldest would end up casting his YouTube account and scrolling through his favorite DCI videos. (Drum Corp International).

I tried finding a replacement for the Goldbergs but Aye Aye Aye!!! Oh the horror, the humanity, the sex. What is up with shows today going full on Porno?  If I could remember all the shows that I scrambled to hit pause/end I would write them down but honestly I am trying hard to forget it.  I quickly learned that any show that uses the word millennial in the first 5 minutes will for sure show full on sex in the next 5.

Thanks goodness we opted for Disney+.  I have re-watched every Disney/Pixar Animated movie ever made.  This genre is guaranteed not to suddenly burst into porn.  PBS take me away!  Upstairs, Downstairs, Downtown Abbey, Poldark, Victoria, Mr. Selfridge, The Durrells?? Or even America's Test Kitchen, Cook's Country, A Cook's Life, The Great British Baking Bake Off, or all things Martha Stewart.  I would rather workout to Bob Ross than two "millennials" talking in text speech about while guzzling alcohol and then hooking up. For Goodness sake is that REALLY all they do all day? and night?

Before I sound like a 95 year-old ranting lunatic let me at least say there have been a few shining stars in this journey through sitcom insanity...here are a very very few recommendations, not in any particular order. (Hulu hasn't sold me on watching TV) also I can't remember the title of anything 5 minutes after I watch it.

Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist

Being Erica *****

Beauty and the Baker

The Last Full Measure (movie)

The Man Who Invented Christmas (movie) *****

Happy New Year

A Message to my Family

2020 was a gift.

It gave us a chance to:

test our resolve

change and adapt

practice patience

give and receive sincere acts of kindness.

"There are two ways to live your life. 

One is as though nothing is a miracle. 

The other is as though everything is a  miracle."

Albert Einstein

2021

A Year of Gratitude

As the new year begins and we know the past year was filled

 with disappointment, heartbreak, and negativity.

Can we focus this year on

THE GOOD

THE KIND

THE LOVE

even the smallest evidence or act

can turn the tide

can make the New Year

one of Gratitude and Grace.

"No duty is more urgent than giving thanks."

James Allen

A Prayer for my Family

May every moment of this year

be the gift it is intended.

May you feel the sun on your face

May the rain fall gently, 

and the wind blow away your worries

and bring to you strength.

My wish for you 

is to feel the joy of nature, humanity, 

and the Universe's Grandeur

everyday.

All my Love -