My 18 year-old graduated, heading to college son took off today to watch the State Track Meet. He was alone and it was 2 hours away. I didn't think he would go then he jumped in the car and left and my brain said -
HEY! DID HE JUST LEAVE? BY HIMSELF? HE'S JUST A BABY? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!
For 30 minutes after he left I fought with myself not to have a panic attack that he was driving two hours by himself to somewhere he had never been. I had to remind myself that my husband, his father, got on an airplane and flew 5,000 miles to another country when he was younger than 18. Lord how many panic attacks did Gia Gia have sending her only son to the US for a year? Later for 4 years? Eventually forever....
I was remembering when he stared 1st grade. Another mother said to me that letting her child go to be in someone's else care all day was really hard for her. Not knowing what they were doing, eating, feeling all day was terrifying to her. Oddly I wondered if she and I were separated at birth because it sounded like school was as traumatic for her as it was for me. (that's a whole other can of worms I can save for my therapist) But I understood. Here we are again.
It is that transition, from knowing mostly what he is doing all day, where he is, how it's going. To not knowing. For some reason the human brain seems to equate knowing with safety. If I know he is at school he is safe. Unfortunately for so many people in the US now that has been shattered. Too many school shootings mean that sending them to school doesn't equal safe.
This fall will be another major transition. Not just for me. I know that it is time to let the bird fly from the nest. I am happy for the bird!! Truly. With my anxiety level I just know that it will mean a lot more moments fighting with my brain for control over the panic button. Some days I will win, some days I will lose. I just hope my son is patient with me.
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