About 10 years ago while volunteering in the library at the elementary school I watched the Media Specialist who was counseling some girls she overheard gossiping on the Golden Rule. I had never heard the Golden Rule stated quite like this "Treat other people, the way you want to be treated, no matter how they are acting."
When the kids cleared out I had to tell her that I was not only very impressed with how she handled the situation, but I was still stunned. I had never heard the Golden Rule stated like that. In all my years at Catholic School - in all the times someone had recited that idiom - no one had ever added "No Matter how they are Acting,"
This was a game changer. I had lived by that Rule my whole life! My life was ruled by that, rule. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. Just trying to treat others the way I wanted to be treated didn't require me to think, or feel, or change my beliefs in anyway. It was like emotional Garanimals. (And you know hoe much I like Garanimals)
I am not sure that I can explain my thoughts clearly yet but that's why I write, so don't be surprised if I come back to these thoughts later with edits.
If you think of the Golden Rule only as - I don't have to understand why people are mean, nasty, hateful, unkind, rude, snippy, or anything else - I just have to treat them with kindness. You are not only repressing a lot of rage (trust me on this one) but you are over looking the core of the Golden Rule. Empathy. Why is this person I don't know treating me like this? For example the co-worker who has not said Good Morning in 3 years. You continue to say Good Morning everyday, and everyday that you do not say something about this hurt to her, and you continue to say Good Morning cheerfully, you get more resentful. Did you ever stop to wonder what she is going through? Living in an unhappy marriage, leaving a three-year old off at daycare, trying to take care of aging parents, the list could go on....and on and on. Just because you can power through life with little available emotion doesn't mean everyone can. And FYI, that is not in the Golden Rule or the 10 Commandments. Thou shalt not feel emotions, especially at work.
If you think that everyone is following the Golden Rule - you are also going to be consumed by rage. Because not everyone follows the Golden Rule. If I am totally honest there were plenty of times in my life that I took the opposite approach. Usually during a break-up but there were also a few co-workers, loud neighbors, shirt stealing sisters that I plotted revenge against. (not that I ever came up with anything good enough to carry out) But my overall point being that when we assume everyone is playing by our rules and then they don't, it's really hard to show them empathy, kindness, and compassion.
The more time that I spend taking care of my aging parent, the more this phrase rattles in my head. My dad wasn't always (still isn't) the kindest most caring parent. When he gets anxious, or hungry, or needs alcohol he can be a real @hole. it's hard to be kind when your dad is hurling insults at you and harder when you hear him hurling them at your mom
Sigh...I have to keep repeating to myself. Treat other people the way you want to be treated no matter how they are acting. And I think it's starting to stick and in my head when I look at my dad I add - Because he is not trying to hurt you, he is _____ scared, anxious, hurting. He is watching the love of his life fade away from him a little more everyday. He is getting older and finding more wrong with his body everyday. He is facing a reality I am not yet in step with and I can not even imagine how hard it is to face.
It goes back, I guess in the end, it all goes back, to empathy. Taking a moment, taking a beat, taking the time to understand what may be going on and how you may be needed to step up in this situation because they can't. Or how much they may just may need that little bit of kindness at that moment. It's not always easy. Smiling at the driver who flipped me off, giving the cashier a compliment, sending a thank you note for the party you didn't want...those things are easier than telling your dad that it's ok to be scared, but it's not OK to call Mom names. Asking a co-worker if everything is OK, because you feel like maybe they haven't been, for a while. Putting ourselves out there, being vulnerable to people we love or see everyday is HARD.
That's my challenge. Gandhi's words: Be the change you want to see in the world.
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