Saturday, November 28, 2009

Happy Holidays??

Thanksgiving is over and it is time to bring in Santa and his reindeer. Or in the case of the small town that I grew up in, the reindogs. Our high school mascot is the Bulldog so every year when they bring Santa in to town the marching band comes out, the mascot, and of course the reindogs. There are prizes for the best dresssed dogs, etc...the Fire engines lead the small parade and Santa comes in on a horse drawn carriage. It all takes place on the courthouse lawn and Santa even has a beautiful house to sit in while we take pictures and tell him all the things we want for Christmas.

It's all good - except when grown-ups muck the whole thing up. It's a nice day but still bitey cold so I bundled everyone up, grabbed the camera, and we went up to see the parade. The funny thing about this was we were actually there yesterday - when it was bitter cold. Two days in a row now I've pumped the kids up and then threaten them for the rest of the day if they didn't behave. Today was the day though and we got there about 10:30, the festivities to start at 11:00. The boys ran and played tag with dad in the lawn and looked for dressed up dogs.

By mistake I ended up in line and I was second! Needless to say I was staying put. The boys were getting restless when we finally heard the sirens, then the marching band, the cheerleaders came around with candy canes. Santa made his way to his house and all of a sudden people are pushing, the grandmother in front of me is knocked to the ground and 25 people who've come out of no where are now in front of us in line.

Here's the kicker - One is them is my cousin's wife! Holiday spirit my %($!

It's not a Black Friday sale for goodness sake - there are no $50 TV's or free Wii's. It's Santa Claus and you idiots butt in line. They knocked over a grandmother. Just before we get in to see Santa the little boy in front of us, whose parents line jumped, said, "When do I get to see Santa!" and do you know what his mother had the nerve to say - "You have to wait in line like everyone else." Are you Kidding me??

What is this world coming to? Happy Holidays, I think.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

My little manipulator...

We've all become so PC (politically correct) that it's no longer acceptable to call a spade a spade, or a three-year-old manipulative. Three-year-olds are Master Manipulators. From bedtimes to bath, from the potty to pre-school and everything in between.

My three-year-old is no different. Problem is, he's stubborn. Now I know lots of children are stubborn, but, and this is a BIG but, they are distractable. My son will not be deterred. Tonight it was peeing in the diaper NOT in the potty. My husband had a knock down drag out with him over this. My husband (are you seeing this picture a little clearer) could not let it go. He was determined that the child pee in the potty 10 feet away and NOT his diaper. The three-year-old was holding his ground.

Now, had it been a normal Sunday in which my husband takes off before we rise to go mountain biking for 4 hours, then eats, then sleeps for two hours I would have walked away. However, my husband chose to run this a.m. with a client. Then come home to terrorize us all with "quality time" for the rest of the day.

The other reason I could not just walk away was because my husband actually said to our son, "Why do you have to make everything so difficult!" Seriously. This is a man that can turn changing toilet paper into a challenge. A quick trip to the grocery into an afternoon. Home improvement projects into 4-day marathon cursing events. And he is asking his son - Why?

I laughed so hard, I peed a little. Then I had to go point out the irony of what he just said. At least he laughed at me instead of hitting me. He still doesn't think that he makes things all that hard. O.k., but he did spend two weeks painting our 1000 square foot deck with a 3"brush. Not too hard at all.

p.s. the three-year-old did get to pee in his diaper not the potty- gotta give him credit!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Time for Thanks Giving to mom....

I was talking with my mom the other day, which is no surprise we talk at least once a day. I can't imagine not talking to my mom. Our relationship was not always fantastic, like most teenage girls there was a point where I thought she was absolutely idiotic for MANY reasons.

At this point in my life I don't know what I would do without her support, advice, and broad shoulders. She really threw me the other day when she told me that I am a better mother than she ever was.

Says who! She had five children the last a set of unexpected twins. She had a husband who needs more attention than a six month old, she has seven brothers and sisters, and in-laws. She went back to work when the babies got in school and kicked butt selling Real Estate. Along the way there were wrecked cars, drugs, boyfriends, girlfriends, parties, bad grades, bad hair - -You name it we did it.

Who's to say that I'm any better than anyone else. I muddle through just like the rest of us. Fretting over every decision, every action, every punishment. Sobbing after I drop off the crying child at pre-school, cursing after I've lost my temper and yelled for spilled milk, and praying therapy won't cost too much after sending them to bed without a snack for talking back.

Who's to say she wasn't the greatest mom in the world? Not me, because I can't make it through a day without her, she's my best friend. I can only hope 1/2 that much when my boys grow up. I'm praying, anyone know a good therapist?

Monday, November 16, 2009

"Take a little piece of my heart now baby...."

Wasn't it Janis Joplin who sang, "Take it! Take another little piece of heart now baby. Break it! Break another little piece of my heart why don't ya' "....

Children have a way of doing that so quickly. My three-year-old is my most vocal child. He has never hesitated to let the world know how he feels. Just ask our neighbors. He's outgoing, loves to play with (mostly boss around) other kids so I really thought pre-school would be a hit. It's not. He throws a fit, every time.

It's not like he goes everyday. He goes two days a week for maybe 2 1/2 hours and his class is pretty small, there are maybe 10 in the class with two teachers. The teachers always assure me that he is perfectly fine after I leave but he's been ramping up the drama each time I drop him off.

Today was the worst. Last week he was out due to a fever so it has been 10 days since he was there. I thought he was ready to go back, he had even asked to go on Saturday. But today when the time came he through himself down on the floor and had a fit. I ended up dragging him to the car without shoes or a coat on. Held him down to get him buckled and drove all the way there with him screaming, kicking, and thrashing. I was exhausted by the time we got there.

All the way there in the car he was working this hard. I have to hand it to the kid, he's learned the art of mommy manipulation. His line is, "Can we just talk about this?" Of course I say, what is it you don't like about pre-school? "Pull over and let me out of the car and I will tell you." Not happening Jack! I can just see him bolting from the car and belting out a sinister laugh, "You can't caught me now!"

I scoop him up and head into the pre-school. He was not letting go. He had his arms and legs wrapped around me like a spider monkey. His head is buried in my shoulder. He won't look at or talk to the teachers. So I take him over to the corner of the room where they have a puppet stage set up and tried to put on a puppet show. Thinking I am terribly clever I try to play this scene out with puppets but he takes them off my hands and says, "Stop it. Take me home." A little boy in his class was really enjoying my show and keeps trying to open up the curtain to see more. Until my son yelled at him and threw one of the puppets at his head, I intercepted quickly so the teacher wouldn't see, I didn't want to get in trouble!

They finally pulled him off of me and I left, but I got to the car and started to cry. What am I doing? What if he's really not ready? What if he's really scared? What if he cries until he throws up or pees his pants? I finally left the parking lot and went to volunteer at the elementary school checking my cell phone every two minutes.

When I got there to pick him up, he was absolutely fine. I said how was school? "Good. I stopped crying and calmed down. I got a job today. I was flag holder!" I'm glad he was fine but, I just lost another little piece of my heart - I know I did.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Oh Boy, Boys!

I am one of these people that likes to get my children in bed by 8:oo p.m. It helps when it actually happens because my husband is not usually home until 8:30 p.m. So it gives me time to clean up our dinner mess, and start his.

The dishes are never done after dinner because after we eat we do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get their willies out before bed. When it is still light out it's easy, now that it is dark at 5:30 p.m. I have to be a little more creative.

Tonight we went for a flashlight walk. It's a beautiful fall evening, the temperature is cool the breeze is crisp and the leaves are still falling. So off we go. The six-year-old is dressed in a black stocking cap, black hoodie, and black pants so he decides to play ninja. He runs off ahead of us with the flashlight off hiding behind bushes and trees and throwing himself to the ground when ever he sees headlights.

The three-year-old is dressed up in a Tigger costume. He's walking beside me holding my hand and shining his flashlight all over; up, down, mostly in my eyes. he wasn't exactly sure he would like this "fwashwight wok" because it would be too scary. Good thing the six-year-old keeps jumping out at us from behind things.

After a couple of houses the six-year-old is in the lead and giving us military hand signals his father taught him. (I'm afraid to ask why.) So when he puts up a fist we stop, when he puts up his hand we ready, and when he signals we go. Tigger is no longer scared and thinks this is fun, until he makes us stop about every three feet and hit the ground 15 times for headlights. Tigger has lost interest and I think I hurt my back.

I can't imagine what the neighbors where thinking. This had to be hysterical to watch from a passing car or a living room window. Tigger wondering along shining the flashlight all over, Ninja falling to the ground every three feet and playing dead. I started to giggle wondering if anyone else I know has these experiences.

As I'm walking, thinking, and giggling Tigger runs into Ninja whose standing in the middle of the sidewalk giving us the stop signal. Ninja rebukes his brother and tells him to watch for the signals. Tigger is no longer playing along. The next time Ninja stops Tigger runs into him on purpose. Then they think they hear a monster so Ninja says, "Stay here I'll do recon." Just what does my husband play with these boys?

Tigger is giggling too hard to follow instructions and just wants to follow. Ninja is getting mad. He is giving hand signals and Tigger just keeps running into him and giggling. Now I'm giggling. Ninja is now really mad and furiously letting hand signals fly - now I do know where he gets that. Ninja hits the ground Tigger trips over him - -one is screaming, one is crying - and I think I just peed my pants. I love my boys.

Monday, November 9, 2009


We go to the Library every week. Friday is our Library day. The kids can play computer games (because half the time our computer isn't working) we read books to decide what to get, we choose movies, look at magazines, get new music; We love the Library.

A couple of weeks ago we came across a book called "Dogfish". It was a beautiful book about a boy who REALLY wants a dog, but has a goldfish. The illustrations are clean and modern and the story is very clever. Ultimately his mother says something like, Instead of wanting what you can't have, why don't you try wanting what you do have. To which the boy replies, "She is always saying things like that." Love that kid.

After a long week with a very sick three-year-old I was looking forward to a little help on Sunday from my husband and some time to read my latest book. My husband obviously had something else on his mind. It seems Rachel Ray was not the only person with Sex on the brain all last week. At 6:00 p.m. while I am cleaning up dinner he says to me, "Do you have plans tonight?"

Why, yes. Thanks for asking! First I'm heading to dinner with Linda, then we'll pick up Julie for a night of drinking, clubbing, and girl talk. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!

What ensued after I finally got the boys to bed was a lengthy discussion about how I'm never in the mood, I never hug and kiss him, he does all the work - I'll just stop there because 90% of the women I know are all rolling their eyes and sighing right now.

While he was talking, all I could think of was Dogfish. I don't know that he would have made the connection because he's very literal. I can just hear him, "What do you mean Tree'sha? I did not ask you for a dog!"

Needless to say we had a long talk last night about wanting what you want, and wanting what you got - and this is all I got baby!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Happily ever after...After What?

So after two nights of sleeping with a sick kid I was once again laying on the couch watching Rachel Ray and saw a woman blissfully happy, which was bad enough. But she wasn't happy because she has more money than Oprah, she was just happy being a wife and a mother. Really?

I had to call my girlfriend Amy, "Did you see that!?"
Amy -"No. I went to a MOPS meeting." (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers)
Me - "Nice."
Amy - "But we where discussing who thought marriage lived up to all their expectations, who really had happily ever after."
Me - "Heavy topic for a 2-year-old's playdate isn't it?"
Amy - "Why-"
Me - "Don't answer that. Is this mom's group any better than the other one? Or are you still calling people by their potluck dishes?"
Amy - "It was just that one lady, Black bean and corn salsa! Oh yeah, and tofu hot dogs, and chocolate cake lady! Stop it I'm starting to feel bad."
Me - "So what's your take on Leave it to Beaver lady? I think she's on drugs, good ones. I want some."
Amy - "I think that when I got married I really felt so in love with Mathew that I thought we could conquer anything together."
Me - "Stop it now I'm starting to feel bad. She said she's never grumpy."
Amy - "She definitely has drugs."
Me - "She said she gives her husband sex whenever he wants it."
Amy - "Oh, yeah, she has the good ones."

Why is it some women have all the luck - Names have not been changed for anonymity. Sorry Amy I was just too tired.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Balance this!

Rachel Ray has changed time slots in this area and she is now on at 2:00 p.m. Which is nap time - for me usually. At least I sit down on the couch and begin to moan and groan about figuring out what to make for dinner. Anywho...

Yesterday she had Riki Lake and other moms on her show dishing about motherhood. The general sentiment all around was that we all have the same gripes and so do our husbands. Sex. They talked about not feeling sexy, being too tired, doing it anyway, blah, blah, blah. And then one woman piped up and said, "After some of the things that come out of my husbands mouth I don't want his tongue anywhere near me!" THANK YOU!

I have been saying this to my husband for 6 years now - Watch your mouth. You can not come home spewing (no pun intended) nastiness because you had a "bad day" and then ask for sex. You've ruined it for like a week. I am a woman, stewing is in my DNA. I'll have to complain about you to at least two friends and my sister before I can let it go and by that time you've done it again, twice! Now your looking at next month pal, wanna go for two?

Then someone mentioned finding balance, that it was all about balance this same woman (I really liked her) said, "Balance is BS!" YES! How do you have balance when you stay at home with your kids because you are never without your kids? Not in bed, not in the bathroom, not in closet where you've stashed all their Halloween candy.

I was in a Mom's group when my first son was born and a woman whose husband traveled a lot said she would hire a babysitter on Sunday morning, take the paper, and go out to breakfast by herself. O.k. if I had the money - I'd send the kids to a babysitter, send my husband to a hooker, and curl up in bed by 7:30 p.m.!


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloween is here and Gone, but the candy lingers on...

Ah, All Hallows eve is behind us for another year. It was a beautiful night for Trick or Treating - if you were Trick or Treating. There are parts of the country that celebrate the week before, only on a Wednesday, etc... To me that's silly - isn't Halloween October 31st?

There was a fantastic full moon, the temperature was cold but not freezing so you needed your long johns, I love that! The chili was hot, the air was cold, and the kids were dressed without incident. My three-year-old had changed his mind about 14 times regarding the costume so I was just waiting for a last minute melt down like needing the six-year-old's costume that is 5 sizes too big.

We ended up in a rather large troop of parents and children trekking through the neighborhood and with various ages and abilities we sort of took up half a city block. The older and faster kids were in the lead with my husband (when he wasn't talking). A majority of the kids were in between us with two separate parents - in two separate groups. Now I am not going to make any judgements (cat fight) but I do suspect that there was a reason for the gap between them. Then myself and a friend were at the rear with her daughter who has challenges keeping up - but that might be her only challenge. She has more moxy and personality in her little finger than most adults I meet.

I think it was a very successful Halloween - especially since there are lots of little orange packages for mommy. My children know anything that says Reece's is mine! There is a lot of candy left over, even for me. My three-year-old can't have chocolate so that goes straight into a batch of cookies. I can only make so many cookies, we only need so much for a Christmas stocking - so what do you do with the rest? Dentists are buying it up to send to the troops which seems wonderful, but I've heard that it is almost impossible to get a package through military customs. Do they really want my kids miscellaneous Halloween candy?

My husband is a Kids Fitness Director/Personal Trainer so this Holiday really is a nightmare for him. Every year he campaigns for giving out pencils, toys, or fruit. Thank God no one pays attention to him. Thank God he never reads this! But he does stress out of the candy and starts nagging me to throw it all away on Halloween night. He nags about a lot of things - not to worry, I have lots of hiding places.