Thursday, August 30, 2012

Resume help

So with both boys in school for 7 whole hours a day I do believe that it is time for me to get a part-time job.  How do you fashion a resume after being home with them for 9 years and really only wanting to work a few hours a day, a few days a week?  It will take a very understanding employer, or creative resume writing.

Objective: To make enough money to pay for soccer, school fees, and a babysitter and dinner at least once this year.

Skills: I am skilled at Office '00 and Windows Explorer.  I am adapt at the Franklin Planner system completing all 10 levels of their courses.  I can multi-task, am self-motivated, and a good communicator.

Examples: Created many forms in word and excel that people could actually write in.  Never missed an appointment that was actually written in my planner.  I can talk on the phone while changing a diaper at the park with no wet wipes.  I now get out out of bed before the children drag me, and I have learned to use my words and not my hands.

1994-2003  Real Jobs that required big girl clothes, a day planner, and lunch meetings
2003- Present  Mom Jobs that required more patience then Job, more ingenuity than Ford, more magic than Houdini, and more work than I did in the first 10 years combined.  I have become skilled at navigating museums, amusement parks, and stores with a toddler and a stroller.  Knowing just when to feed, water, and relieve the troops to avoid accident/meltdown.  How to handle an irate toddler, teacher, or store clerk after my child has hit, cussed, or taken what isn't rightfully his.
Most recently I have learned how to sit through a PTA committee meeting without falling asleep, work with said committee without hitting, cussing, or taking what isn't rightfully mine.  I have organized and planned classroom parties and volunteers for special events, and it worked!

Interpersonal Skills: I am somewhat organized for no longer having a day planner, I can usually communicate effectively as long as I've had 5 hours of sleep, and most importantly, I play well with others.

Anyone know whose hiring?

Retire this!

I have permanently retired this blog because it caused my husband much angst.
That was not the intention and I am sorry.

It was my intention to bitch and complain that men think about sex on average every 30 seconds and they make them drugs like Viagra.  Women think about sex an average of 30 seconds in a month and what do we get???

That's all I'm saying - Where's my drug?!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Commerical Madness

Sometimes I watch TV and wonder who writes commericals and what they must think of little ole' me.  Have you seen the commerical for Liquid Plumber that looks more like an ad for Porn?
Two men stand flanking a woman who plunges the plumbing snake down the clogged drain - in slow motion - with her eyes half open - when the Barry white voice comes on and says Liquid Plumber now has a longer snake.

Who gets turned on yanking a hair clog that looks like a small dead animal out of the drain? Thanks - but no thanks.

What about the fact that half the commericals have a gorgeous wife and a dopey potbellied husband?

There is a commerical for a breakfast item where the mom looks like she's been up since 5 a.m, done an insanity workout, been made over by Hoda and KLG, and drank 3 pots of coffee.  She's pulling the children out of bed, anticipating their every need and gets them out the door at the honk of the bus.  Then turns around as the husband is leaving and when he says, "Where are my" - Keys she says and hands them to him with a sweet smile and a kiss.

Are you kidding me.  I haven't found a breakfast bar yet that can make me a damn clairvoyant. I'd buy that even without a coupon!  I get so frustrated after the third time I've asked what they'd like for breakfast that by the time I am packing their lunch we are all screaming at each other and if my husband asked "Where are my keys?" I resort to an army saying an old boss used to use...If it was up your --- you'd know!

How about the fact that commercial writing sounds like they think no one has an IQ?

It's so bad that during the Olympics when we all watched more TV then we ever have in our lives even my kids who are 6 and 9 started talking back to the television.  (Oh, yeah that's straight from my tree.) They have become adapt at predicting a commercial - when the music suddenly turns sappy they chime He went to Jared.  When a car appears they rattle off 0% down for 36 months.  When the commercial makes no sense at all they sing Like a good neighbor State Farm is there.

While we may all know the commercials, my husband has never shopped at Jared, there are no new cars in the garage or in the future, and if State Farm was a really good neighbor, they would come mow our lawn.  Sorry Charlie's - there's no squeezing the Charmin here, and that's not an ancient Chinese secret!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Summer Blues

It's worse than the flu, or a cold, the summer blues have afflicted our house.  Everyone is lethargic, snippy, and mad most of the time.  The idea that summer will be over in two weeks has hit everyone very hard.  The sudden change in weather, while wonderful, has not helped.

I can't say it hasn't been on my mind.  It's hard to believe that both boys will be in school full-time, but the mom in me has been pushing it all to the side in order to take care of everyone else.  The six-year-old wants to know where his classroom is and how to get there and what he'll ride and when he'll eat lunch.  The nine-year-old is anxious to see who his teacher is and if he has any buddies in his class.  He knows he'll be in the modular classrooms this year which are air conditioned but wonders where the bathrooms are and if he has to wear his coat every time they have to go outside and back in.

I wish I felt better that once school got rolling we will fall into a routine and it will all work out.  But I know that this year that is too much to to hope for.  I went to one day off first grade and announced that I was not going back.  My exact words were, "No one told me I had to stay all day, they made me eat lunch there, and we didn't get a nap!"  Considering the six-year-old finally got on board with Kindergarten in April, I am in for trouble.

I don't remember having a particularly rough transition into fourth grade.  I was never eager to start the year however I remember it being a tough year socially.  There was that sudden awareness that you were not cool or the pressure to change something about yourself so that you could be.  I'm not sure if it runs the same for boys but I do know that this will be the year they finally introduce grades.  As well as test, and projects, and "the binder".  The kids were all talking about it at the end of the year already.

So it's going to be a challenging year all around.  I'm already trying to think of ways to combat the Summer Blues from leading into the Fall of Despair.  I'm reading the second book of a trilogy where a witch and a vampire mate and find themselves with child.  (No comments from the peanut gallery! I know many of you assume this is our family biography.)  The witch is lamenting about whether or not she will be a good parent and the vampire tells her that children need three things -
"All that children need is love, a grown-up to take responsibility for them, and a soft place to land."

No truer words were ever spoken, even from a vampire.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


Well, how many times can I say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree??
My six year-old son has been ready to loose his first front tooth for about a week and a half now.  The thing is hanging by the thinnest of threads, or whatever holds your teeth in your mouth.
Like his mother, he cannot bring himself to pull it out nor will he let anyone else touch it.
Needless to say this maybe the tooth he swallows with a meal in the next few days and meanwhile I have to look at snaggletooth.