Thursday, January 24, 2013

Days like these....

I'm rewriting the parenting books.  The hardest part will be the title.  I don't want to mislead people.

Parenting, It sucks.
The Guidebook to Insanity: Parenthood.
So you think you want kids? Buy a dog.
What to expect after you expected it would be great.
Children the Challenge: not sending them back.

None of the parenting books tell you that having children will automatically put your heart outside of your body.  That the idea of having a mini-me is a lot easier than having one.  Watching your child go through pain or suffering, heartbreak or rejection will turn you inside out.  It can make you want to vomit and hit a 6 year-old all at the same time.

Seeing your child struggle is worse than water-boarding.  You want to say F'it and jump on the school bus, take the test, or go in for them.  Knowing how hard they are working to keep it together can make you even crazier than normal and are suddenly agreeing to buy a $400 Lego set.

The old Shirelles song is on repeat in my head....
"Mamma said there'd be days like this, they'll be days like this my mamma said"

No she didn't. Maybe that's the title.
Mamma's saying: There will days like this!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

I woke up this morning....

I woke up this morning a 40 year-old breast cancer survivor.

I woke up this morning with a husband of 17 years that has shown me more ups and downs then any roller coaster at an amusement park.  He has driven me to a point of madness I felt nonreturnable, and shown me depths of love unspeakable.

I woke up this morning a mother of a nine-year-old boy almost as tall as me and a six-year-old much more precocious.  Two very different individuals that show such strength, courage, bravery, empathy, understanding, love, beauty, and power everyday that I think they were put here on this earth to teach me how to be a better person, not the other way around.

I woke up this morning in darkness.  And I prayed.  I thanked God for winning the cancer lottery.  I thanked him for a husband who can go days without sleep and still get me into a shower at 9:00 p.m. at night.  I thanked him for these amazing boys that have shown me a strength I never thought I had within me pulling me along through panic and through pain and past myself.

I woke up this morning confused.  Not only about where I was, but who I was.  When did I become this person?  When did I become braver than I believe, stronger than I seem, and smarter than I think.

I woke up this morning.  I looked in the mirror and I said, "Hello.  My name is strength, power, grace, beauty, and love.  It is very nice to meet you. 

I woke up this morning......

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


13:00 hours Day of Surgery
Not sleeping but mind is going 100 miles and hour.  Trying to relax and get some shut eye.

14:00 hours Day of Surgery
Still not sleeping start thinking about weird ass things like the new show my husband is obsessed with, Surviving the Cut.
A show about what men go through to get into the Rangers, Airborne, and SEALs.  It is insane what they go through physically and mentally.  I start to think about the fact that everyone calls it "fighting cancer" a "cancer battle" or as my beautiful friends mother put on the T-shirt she wore into her mastectomy "Stop the war in my rack".

17:00 hours Day of Surgery
Six-year-old wakes up from a bad dream and climbs in bed with me.  I realize it will be at least 3 weeks before he can do that again.  So we spoon and snuggle and I kiss that beautiful head 100 times. 

That's when I decide that there are men who fight for our country ready to endure the toughest battles of their lives, and there are moms who would stand right beside them.  I am one.  I may not be able to assemble my gun underwater, blindfolded, with my feet but I can find the children's motrin, measure it correctly, and administer it all by moon light.  They can take a sergeant screaming in their face in a fox hole while under heavy fire.  I can take two kids screaming at me about the Wii while making dinner and fielding calls for the final soccer party.

09:00 hours Day of Surgery
Boys are on the bus and off to school. Everyone seemed cool, happy, ready for a party with Nanna and Papa because they know what they can get away with while we are not here ;-))))  I am getting dressed with a great shirt from my sister-in-law "GO Fight CURE!" I have gotten 25 emails, 30 texts (don't tell my husband I've gone way over the data limit at this point, ooppss) and even more phone calls.

I decided that I am a member of the Mama SEAALs....Saving Everyone is All About Love