Hi, my name is Trisha. I'm in AA.

It is time I own up and start apologizing - I am a lifelong A-hole. I am finally admitting it in public so that I can sincerely apologize and let others hold me accountable to my A-holeness. No more excuses. I'm officially in AA - A-holes Anonomous.

Anxiety makes me an A-hole, so does: stress, hunger, thirst, frustration, tiredness, heat, traffic, long ques, whining children, soccer tournaments, swimsuit shopping, servers who address me as "we", anything to do with insurance, taxes, hospitals, people who don't use turn signals.....you get the idea.

In other words I have spent my life being an A-hole and decided I hate it. For years I didn't know I was being an A-hole, those years being 0-12. It wasn't called A-hole at 12 but other things like annoying, hellacious, difficult, high maintenance, demanding, terrible, exhausting, problem child. I felt the consequences to that deep in my soul and because of it I became an even bigger A-hole.

I am truly sorry. First and foremost to my parents, siblings and family who have had to suffer the longest. To all the friends who endured as long as possible before giving up and walking away. I hold no ill will or disrespect, each of you taught me something valuable. To my husband of 30 years, you give as good as you get but I am still sorry for my part in our Lucy and Ricky lifestyle.

I am most sorry to the 2 most amazing people on this planet - my sons. Knowing how much my A-holeness has hurt them let alone affected them breaks my heart into a million pieces. I can wish all day that I had known, or learned, or started sooner however it does no good. As a wiseass once said - You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

The first thing I learned in AA is grace. Before I could stop being an A-hole to everyone else, I had to stop being an A-hole to myself. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. It's not easy changing the raging voice in my head. But it no longer serves me. I am not a terrible sleepless baby anymore, I am no longer a hellacious child dancing in front of the TV for attention, I am not a tattletale, troublemaker, or tantrum thrower. (OK well still maybe a tantrum thrower...)

What I am is human. What I am is normal. What I am is: strong and sensitive, confused and compassionate, troubled and trying, overwhelmed and awed, grateful and gracious. What I am is trying my best everyday to be a little better than I was yesterday - to myself and the ones I love.

*DISCLAIMER

I in no way want to diminish or disrespect the original AA. It is not only a lifesaver but a lifeline for millions of people whom I admire for their strength and courage in the face of a devastating disease.

**ADDENDUM

I heard someone much smarter and more eloquent summed me up in a nutshell. I thought I would add it. ShoutOut to Max Trombly for posting on social media.

A defensive person is a liability..

You hurt my feelings when..."Well I can't help what you feel" "I'm sorry you feel that way" "Get a thicker skin". I don't like it when you talk to me that way..."Oh what like you? You started it? You do it to me all the time!". Can we talk? "Oh, here we go again" "What did I do now?" or insert Eye Roll. I just want to be heard..."I heard you! you said it like 1,000 times". When you say..."I didn't say that."

The reason a perpetually defensive person is a liability is because when in conflict they are not participating in the communication being asked of them. Defensiveness is an amour that hides the real issue and makes it about ME ME ME ME. It is the same with shame and these go hand in hand.

When they do that they are not We, we are not in resolution, we are not in I hear you or I want to understand you. Defensiveness, shame are a liability because when a person is in relationship with someone who is constantly defensive it is not a relationship. At some point the other person is not willing to sit around and tolerate the defensiveness, the shame spirals, the lack of remorse, or insincere apologies. It's exhausting, disappointing, and hurtful.

And more important - it's not even REAL! All of the drama that comes from the persons defensiveness and shame is just the internal stories from their childhood playing over and over again in their head. It is not real and it is not based in reality. It's based on their "felt" experience and until they can separate themselves from the wound/incident and see reality is different and they are different and they can create powerfully for themselves something different....

If you were a plant, what would you be?

Growing up I was sent to Catholic school. Not the uniform kind. Not the nuns in habits kind. It was just like a regular school only we had one day of mass every week, religion classes, and our nuns wore regular clothes.

One nun in particular Sister Caroline even played the guitar and sang each week at mass. She had a song in heavy rotation I remember fondly..."Friends are like flowers, beautiful flowers, Friends are like flowers in the garden of love. Are you a daisy are you a rose, are you a dandelion. You can be what you are I'll be what I am, and we can be friends in the garden of love."

Like a parable, the idea was to be a rose! Never a dandelion because they are weeds. 

Fast forward to this morning.

My husband and I are sitting on the front porch watching the sunrise and I am looking at the clover popping up through the 3 inches of mulch I put down. So, I asked my husband, "If you could be a plant what would you be?" He looked at me like I had three heads and then said, "A planned?" 

Not that he didn't hear me, it is just his accent. Which always makes me smile because it does make us sound a lot like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo. "Yes", I said, "a plant". 

"Well, I don't want to be grass because everyone will be spraying me with chemicals!"

"I think" I said, "I would like to be a dandelion or clover". 

"Then everyone will always be trying to kill you!?" He thought I had lost my mind.

And had I said this to Sister Caroline or Sister Victorien they would have said the something similar because they used the "weed" to demonstrate what is bad, annoying, or wrong behavior. But as I looked down at those weeds growing up through the mulch, I saw perseverance, strength, gumption, fortitude, and tenacity. I saw a living creature with an unstoppable drive to live, grow, and thrive no matter what the conditions.

That is why this morning I decided if I were a plant, I would want to be a dandelion. They have been around for thousands of years and across all continents. Ancient Greek cookbooks have recipes for dandelion tea. My grandmother talked about eating dandelion salad growing up. Dandelions are not a pest but a source of life, health, and sustenance. They can and WILL grow anywhere with any amount of soil, water, and light. They bloom a beautiful yellow puff ball flower that when at its end will keep giving by sending all of itself into the wind to spread its seeds.

Yes, I want to be a dandelion. I want to be able to thrive under the harshest formidable conditions and still bloom. In my last hours I want to spread the seeds of myself out into the world through my children, grandchildren, former students, friends, family, people I came in contact with.