What now???

How apropos - What now?  I have been asking that question for over a month now.  Between a major project that I am working on at the boys school which has consumed literally weeks of my life, I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

So what now?

Well - the good news is they found it very early, scary news I'm a little young for this.  Good News is they have a genetic test to figure out if I am pre-disposed to cancer, bad news is it costs $5000 and the hopeful good news is insurance will cover it.  Good news is we are not talking about Chemo or Radiation at this time and the almost bad news is it's a double mastectomy but more good news - I get a Boob Job!!  See more good than bad!

So what now?

Acknowledging that this is happening to me.  It's an odd thing to say I have breast cancer.  I'm not feeling lousy. OK I should be honest.  I am feeling lousy because they took away my birth control pills so my IBS is out of control and my panic attacks are back to full swing and I do mean swing.  One minute I am flying around the house making dinner, putting up Christmas decorations, folding laundry, and helping the kids with homework - the next minute I am clutching the sink trying to catch my breath hoping the floor doesn't open up and swallow me whole.

So now what?

Getting mentally prepared.  This isn't easy to do with very little factual information yet.  I meet with the plastic surgeon next week and then will meet with the breast surgeon to make the final plan of attack, or should I say plan of the hack.  Right now all I have are other people's stories.  My sister, aunt, myself......they all start out well meaning and I know this I've been there myself.  So taken off guard when someone says I have cancer that I fumble around and end up telling them everyone I have ever known who's had cancer.  I think because for so many of us the word cancer = death.  We watched loved ones suffer and die.  I'M NOT THERE PEOPLE! promise ;-)

So now what?

A friend who's a 20+ year cancer survivor gave me his button that says "Living Proof".  He is truly amazing living proof considering that he has 4 beautiful children, and amazing wife, and can mountain bike with my husband.  I didn't say he could keep up, but he can ride!  My Aunt, my other friend, my Bunko Babe all of these people are living proof.  And all of them went through the wicked crazy hell of Chemo and Radiation.  It almost feels like cheating to say breast cancer.  The Doctors call this by it's initials - DCIS.  Or maybe I could just call it the mammary monster.

So now what?

My kids.  My nine-year-old son has had 2 classmates lose a parent to cancer.  One of the families we are close to and it had a overwhelming effect on him.  He was a mess last Spring wondering why good people like Mr. Carnevale have to die and what if it happens to us?  I'm not telling the kids anything and I don't care how you feel about that.  This is in my control and it is my choice.  They know that mommy is seeing some Doctors because they found something in my body that is not suppose to be there.  I told them that the Doctors are going to figure out how to get it out.

So now what?

Asking for help.  This has never come easy to me and let's put credit where credit is due.  Mom you raised me to be strong, tough, independent, self-sufficient, and stubborn as hell.  This is all your fault.  It's not even the asking for help - because God knows I will need it and I'm OK with being pampered.  What I think is hardest is that being Mom is all that I am right now - making sure there's a note in each lunch box, that their favorite sweatshirt is clean, knowing who needs a snack and who needs a hug and.........doing it all.  That's my job.

So now what?

Christmas.  I plan on thinking and working and planning for Christmas before December 23rd this year.  Well, first finishing this damn school project that seems to have taken over my life.  December 7th I can put that behind me and focus on getting Christmas presents bought and shipped without having to overnight a thing.  Baking Christmas cookies with the boys instead of buying them from Kroger on the way home.  Sending out a Christmas card that has an actual Christmasy picture and does not show up on January 14th.  Watching the Christmas specials on TV in our PJ's with popcorn instead of trying to YouTube while the children are screaming that everyone else already saw it.

So now what?

I am sending you all wishes for a great day, a wonderful holiday season, and a request.  This holiday season when things get crazy please take one moment to stop - to breath - and to thank God that we all have each other.