December 23, 1995

 Our 25th Wedding Anniversary

I am not a big dreamer, but honestly, over the years I have thought about this day.  Sometimes it was "Oh Hell NO we won't get there." and sometimes it was renewing our vows in the snow all over again...or on a white sand beach in Greece with my husband family finally in attendance.

But it's 2020, and here we are. In the midst of a Pandemic.

It has had me giggling and crying thinking about my past ruminations about our 25th Wedding Anniversary.  And this morning it has me doing both.  FOr some reason this morning while doing dishes I remembered that at one point before our wedding my husband to be was stuck on writing a contract.  I laughed and giggled the first couple of times knowing that guys had been giving him a hard time about the "ole ball and chain".

He was serious and when I thought about it seriously I could not even think about what I would write in a contract of marriage.  I won't cheat on you? If we get divorced you get half? Seems like a Pre-Nup but honestly the more I pondered the better it seemed. On my part at least.

Maybe this contract could state when I could quit my crappy job and stay home with our 2.4 kids, which house or at least neighborhood we would live in, new car every 3 years, wardrobe allowance, vacation requirements, and holiday splits.  Take out all the bickering beforehand! Write it all down.

We never did get to that contract, like a truw man my husband's ideas were completely different. Mainly having to do with date nights to put it PG-13. (your welcome boys) But today as I thought about that contract again I thought about how long it truly would have worked?

Like ourselves, our marriage has changed and evolved.  We are certainly not the two young adults we were in 1995.  College, jobs, life, death, family, kids, triumph and tribulation have changed the canvas over and over and over....I can not imagine a document I created in 1995 still fitting the bill today.

In 1995 I was temping looking for a permanent job that was not titled Administrative Assistant.  I ended up in manufacturing supervising union forklift drivers. (WTF, right? Good use of that teaching degree) At that point I didn't know how to take care of myself just how to take care of business.  My husband played basketball in  leagues or pick up games at least 5 days a week and he worked 7 days a week.

By the time we had kids I RAN not walked away from my job and thought how lucky am I!! I get to take care of the baby....babies. Very quickly my life became taking care of business, and taking care of everyone else. Until they told me that I needed to have a double mastectomy. Then suddenly, learning to take care of myself seemed like a good idea.

So when I think about how I would have written all those needs into a contract?? I need you to be a mind reader, a south sayer, and grow a money tree in the backyard.  I need you to sometimes be the cruise director, referee, and the girlfriend I don't have. And always be the bill payer, the spider killer, the gutter cleaner, and the car fixer.  Also pinch hit as maid, laundress, taxi driver, and monster hunter.

What I did say was this....with the somg that I choose for our wedding.No more talk of darkness,

No more talk of dar  Forget these wide-eyed fears;

I'm here, nothing can harm you,

My words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom,

Let daylight dry your tears;

I'm here, with you, beside you,

To guard you and to guide you.

Say you love me every waking moment,

Turn my head with talk of summertime.

Say you need me with you now and always;

Promise me that all you say is true,

That's all I ask of you.

Let me be your shelter,

Let me be your light;

You're safe, no one will find you,

Your fears are far behind you.

All I want is freedom,

A world with no more night;

And you, always beside me,

To hold me and to hide me.

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;

Let me lead you from your solitude.

Say you need me with you, here beside you,

Anywhere you go, let me go too,

Christine, that's all I ask of you

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;

Say the word and I will follow you.

Share each day with me,

Each night, each morning.

Say you love me!

RAOUL

You know I do.

Love me, that's all I ask of you

November 3, 2020 Ask not who I will vote for - but WHY I vote!

It's 5 am and I am up already. HIGHLY UNUSAL. I don't even get out of bed to pee at this hour and I'm almost 50 if that tells you how rare this is!

I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Like the day I had to have a double mastectomy - I want to get this day over with as soon as possible.

The polls are not open yet so I wait. While I am waiting I am thinking about our dinner conversation last night, and how different it may be tonight.  Most of all, I want my son's to know WHY I vote - not WHO I vote for.

I am voting for the countless lives lost and millions who fought but never cast a ballot.  I vote to honor the young men and women who protected my right like my Grandfather, and my Cousin and those who currently serve like my Nephew.  I vote because staying silent makes me feel powerless.

Do you REALLY want to  know who I am voting for??

I am voting for every woman to have the right to choose.  I am voting for every child hiding in closet from a gunman.  I am voting for the oceans, the forests, the amber waves of grain. I am voting so that no one EVER has to put off cancer treatment because they can't afford it. I am voting for black and brown rights as equal rights, finally. I am for the change I want to see in the world.

I am voting for my children, and my grandchildren, and ALL of the generations to come!!

Tonight, if my kids ask "who did you vote for Mom", I will tell them, YOU!

How do you look so young?

 My husband pops in on Friday's, my "day off", to eat between clients.  Granted he goes into work early without eating because he works out with his Boot Camp class and after a few more training sessions comes home to eat before going back until late afternoon.  Today, he was talking to his co-worker eating a smoothie and he told her he couldn't believe one of their other co-workers was 49 years old. "He looks 18! I guess that is because he isn't married with kids."

Before I type this in all CAPS I will try to breathe. Nope! Not working. MY HUSBAND STILL LOOKS 20 YEARS OLD - because I am his wife who takes care of him and his kids. I wish I  had a wife like me....here is a look at my day off so far.

6:00 am Wake up

1. make two lunches

2. wake up two teenagers

3. clean up last nights 2nd dinner feeding

4. track down missing maroon shirt

5. pick up 6 pairs of shoes

6. empty all hampers

7. strip all beds

8. send the boys to school

9. clean all the bathrooms

10. Lysol every light switch, door handle, and hard surface

11. vacuum and dust each bedroom

12. do third load of laundry

It's now 9 a.m. - head downstairs

13. more laundry

14. more Lysol

15. sweep all vinyl floors

16. mop all vinyl floors

17. empty all trash cans

18. bag all recycling

19. vacuum and dust all the downstairs

20. pick up each room

It's now 10:15 am so I grab the computer

21. send an eCard

22. buy a birthday gift and have it shipped

23. buy tickets for tomorrows game

24. confirm tickets for tonight's game

25. answer 3 emails

26. write a blog

27. Fold three loads of laundry

28. make a grocery list

29. make three beds

30. make a smoothie

YES - That smoothie that my husband was drinking while asking me what time we had to be there tonight, what time were the games tomorrow - and lamenting {insert heavy sigh} about how he was going to get Mountain Biking in this weekend because he wanted to drive two hours to a park to ride for 4 hours?

That's when his co-worker calls....when they hang up he says, "So what do you think about me going Mountain Biking on Sunday?"

I said "I think it might be hard for you to Mountain Bike on Sunday with my broom up your ass."

😊😊😊

It's not about the bully!

There is a lot to think about these days. Too Much! Some days it feels like everything going on in the world is going to swallow me up whole. I am listening to an AudioBook from an Author I love and the subject of bullies came up. I started thinking about this on the way home and for the first time I had a thought that I may be able to articulate without sounding like a babbling bafoon.

All any one ever talks about is "The Bully". Here's the thing - it's not about the Bully.

(I'll let that sink in)

It's about human behavior.  All of us will be the bully and the bullied at some point in our lives because that is part of being human.  To me - it makes more sense to talk about why bullying happens. How do you handle the feelings you will have at some point to bully someone? Why do you have these feelings? How does it feel to be a bully? To be bullied? What button is really being pushed??

As I round half a century on this earth one thing is finally becoming clear - the things that hurt me or make me angry or frustrated are pushing a button way deep down in my soul.  People that I thought were horribly mean when I was young-er, were sometimes just telling the truth.  Albeit in a rude and snotty way. They were just as scared, anxious, and vulnerable as I was but at that moment maybe more....that's why they lashed out at someone else.

Funny how conversations like this always seem to sound better in my head while I am driving then when I start to type it out.....

In the book the Author is talking about bullying amongst mom's and states something like "we all judge each other because none of us know what we are doing"  YES! We are all human beings having a very complicated, messy, vulnerable human experiences.  The more we understand about ourselves the more we can understand and empathize with ourselves. And if you can not take care of yourself you can not take care of others.

What would be so wrong with teaching the children that we require to be in school for 6 months out of the year and 8 hours out of the day five days a week - How to listen, communicate, and for Goodness sake the F* word!!! 

FEEL

Damn near every single solitary subject along with every test ever given in it is now searchable online but you know what is not searchable?  How do I make friends?  What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?  Those are questions that you have to ask another human being who has walked that road or one next to it. These are very natural human feelings all humans have at some point and they need to hear from another human being - Me Too!!  Not from Facebook, or Instagram, or TikTok because those are not real people. Those are people hiding behind a screen just like the Wizard in Oz.  If we pull back the screen they will be just as exposed as us. Heaven Forbid.

I'm getting that rambling away feeling I get when my point starts to float away from me into the ether so in the interest of staying on track.

The other day at my son's soccer game there was a very questionable call from the Ref. For me to say that is BAD because I have been very open about knowing nothing about sports.  The Ref called a corner kick because our Goalie touched the ball before it went out.  From the stands the ball appeared to sail at least 20 feet away from the goalie. The other team scored off the corner kick. Parents were outraged and never stopped heckling the Ref about this flagrantly terrible call.

After the game, my son said "Oh, that call? Yeah it was good. Our goalie got his whole hand on it." My husband and I were both stunned. Are you kidding? "Nope. He was a really good Ref actually. He came over before the game and said that he would be slow on the whistle because he would look at advantage."  (Yes, I had to ask what ALL of that meant)

I said to my husband that night. Hmph. Do you feel bad about all the horrible heckling against that Ref after what our son said. To which he replied, "Hell no! That is not how sports work."

Hmph. But shouldn't it? If sports are a metaphor for life, if the point of all the sports was to teach our sons skills that will enhance their life - What did we teach them today? To be Judge and Jury? To poke, prod, and heckle even when we are wrong?      To be a Bully??

There are at least two sides to every story. There are many sides to every human.  Sometimes we will be bullied and sometimes we will be the bully.  Recognizing which one you are is the first step to fixing it, and very possibly fixing some of what is going on in our world today.

I can't do this anymore!

 I started this blog for my kids. I wanted a place to document their childhood, tell the stories that they will tell and retell to their partners,children, and grandchildren.

When they were little it was just finding time to write that was difficult.  When they got older it was finding the words to write that got difficult.

And now....it's the vision. A place to re-tell the ups and downs of their childhood, a place to tell Mom's side of the story.  A place for them to see themselves, the way I saw them.

Today they started school - as a Freshman and a Senior. They left together and not unlike most first days of school, I stayed behind and cried. 

But today the crying won't stop.  Because I feel like a fake, a fraud, a horrible parent and role model.  Today I let them go back to school thinking everything is fine and they are safe.  And I do not believe that one bit.

I do not want my kids at school, ever, but especially right now. I do not think they are safe. I do not think any of this is OK. Any of it! Not just the masks, the 6ft apart, no eating in the cafeteria, and no buses.

We are tearing apart our world piece by piece because we are tearing apart each other, piece by piece.  Countries against Countries, right against left, black against white.  Global warming, massive wildfires, Cat 5 hurricanes, killer bugs, mass shootings, ethnic cleansing, unchecked dictators, the super rich, corporate greed, mega farms, super viruses, even a pandemic. 

What am I doing? I am burying my head, neck, and shoulders in the sand! "Everything is ok - Everything will be ok."  Why do I keep repeating this??? Why do I keep saying this???

IT'S NOT OK! None of this is OK!  NONE!

And if I am leaving this blog for my kids, if I am leaving this legacy of their childhood then I need to be honest and tell them...none of this is ok.

800,000 deaths are not ok. they are not normal. they are horrible and tragic. and as fellow human beings we should not only mourn each loss, but do everything in our power to help prevent any further loss. a cop putting his knee on the neck of another human being is not ok. targeting black people is not ok. killing black people under the jurisdiction of justice is horrible and tragic. and as fellow human beings we should not only protest each loss, but do everything in our power to help prevent any further loss. children starving, people starving is not ok. humans going hungry in a world with more abundance then ever before in history is horrible and tragic. we should not only work hard not to waste anything but also to help prevent any further waste from happening.  hate speech, divisive tweets, terrorism, war, conflict, and fighting are not ok.  staying silent is horrible and tragic. 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me bring love.

Where there is offence, let me bring pardon.

Where there is discord, let me bring union.

Where there is error, let me bring truth.

Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.

Where there is despair, let me bring hope.

Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.

Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.

O Master, let me not seek as much

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love,

for it is in giving that one receives,

it is in self-forgetting that one finds,

it is in pardoning that one is pardoned.

I am not a very religious person, I am definitely not a political person, but I am a person.  I am a human being! We are all human beings. Capable of great and wonderful things if we put our mind to it. Capable of wicked and horrible things if we put our mind to it. Which will you choose?

My Dear Sons - know that I choose good. I choose love and light. I choose for you because I want more than I alone can give you.  The things that I want for you will take all of us working and choosing and loving together.    That is what I chose for you.

Family Quarantine Grade - F

As my teenagers rush their online school year to an end I am in a grading mood. My grade for this family during lock down - an F.  What, you might ask, is my grading criteria?

#1. What have you done for someone else, who couldn't do anything for you?
If I had just said what have you done for someone else I have at least one boy that would say "Remember that day I emptied the dishwasher for you?" Like it wasn't his dirty dishes in there in the first place.

#2 What new skill or thing have you learned to do, that you didn't know before.
With all this time off we should have been able to at least learn how to make our own lunch for goodness sake if not learn Greek from my husband's awesome Greek lessons. (Just a subtle hint of sarcasm as we have been working on learning Greek for 20 years)

#3 What have you finally finished or accomplished something you have been putting off?
OK to be fair, this one is really for my husband who has been technically unemployed since this started and still does not have the deck painted, the yard mulches, or the boys rooms painted. But it was not my list! It was his, he just hasn't gotten to it yet.

#4 How have you treated other when you were frustrated, angry, depressed?
I added this one after meltdown number 10 by 9 am on Saturday morning.  When we start the day with comments like "You chew to loud!" and "I can hear you breathing!" that is when everyone (mostly me because those were just my comments) must get out of the house. And not just to walk around the block - AGAIN.

I mean I don't want to rush reopening, I just want my family to get out of the house for an extended period of time so that when they return they remember to be grateful.  It doesn't have to be the movies or even an Soccer game - maybe they could help out somewhere? Like picking up trash along 50 or so miles of highway?! Yeah!

What can I say?

What can I say? What do you say to people right now when they ask  - How are you doing? Most of us are sheltering in place and only going out for necessities as ordered and otherwise living in the smallest world possible.  My loved ones 5000 miles away are not even leaving their 800 sqft. of space - and will not be for months as the Marshall Law Order continues.

What do you say during a Pandemic when you find out a neighbor's daughter born in February never left the hospital before passing away. When you find out one of the most beautiful people you know is going to battle cancer, again. When you are watching someone you love disappear a little more everyday.

How do YOU answer that question right now - How are you doing?

I volunteered to help make phone calls to a group of Senior Citizens. Some have never answered. Some answer and ask who I am and tell me they are just fine and do not need a phone call. But there is a group, a small group, that I have come to need more a lot more than they need me I am sure.  Because as soon as I call and tell them my name and ask "How are you doing?" I know the first thing they will say is, "Well, I'm hanging in there. I'm healthy, I'm keeping busy. I'm good. How are you holding up?"

I need them because this is a group of 70-90 year old's who have seen more life than I have yet. They are Depression babies, Vietnam Vets, Widows and Widowers- they are survivors.  They know that this too shall pass. (and they say that a lot) They know that there are brighter days ahead. They have been through hard times and they are still here.

I saw an interview with Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner from their places of quarantine.  They spoke about living through the Depression, WWII, about getting through those tough times - together. Mel Brooks burst into song singing a WWII tune "We Did it Before, And We Can Do it Again".  The 90 year old woman I call told me she hears about shortages of toilet paper, flour, yeast. She laughed about the toilet paper and said "It's probably because it's much better than the Sears & Roebuck catalog." When her daughter complained about trying to bake bread but the store was out of flour and yeast she said "They need to do rations, like we did. It works! You can't just go to the store everyday and get your flour, you have to wait until you get your next ration ticket. We all had to wait and make do." She then proceeded to give me the recipe for Irish Soda Bread because you don't need yeast.

I talk with an 70 year old Vietnam Vet who was married and shipped out in the same week.  He saw his wife again 4 years later.  They celebrated their 55 Wedding Anniversary last week via Zoom with Children and Grandchildren.  "We just did what we had to do. The secret to a happy marriage is finding the right person and being respectful to each other."  After returning from the war he spent the next 35 years serving the community working for Non-profit and religious organizations.  He believes it is a privilege to serve others.

A retired Middle School English teacher, an amateur photographer, a life long sewer making masks for her neighbors who are nurses, and lots of homecooks to trade recipes ideas.  Each call lifts my spirit and my hope higher.  Before we hung up the last time my 90 year old friend said "You know American ends in I CAN!"  It certainly does Irene.

America may not look the same for quite awhile, and maybe never. But if these folks can change their lifestyle this late in the game then by goodness I CAN too!  If these folks swear that the sun will come out tomorrow then by goodness I CAN too!  If these folks can look for the rainbow after the storm then by goodness I CAN too!

To all of those on the front lines right now - Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  It is your commitment to service that makes America Great.  Know that you are in our hearts and prayers everyday.  GodSpeed Warrior.

Trump is going to kill my parents...and yours.

When Trump got elected we talked to our kids about not listening to the vitriol - from either side.  This was not the end of the world and it was not going to make America great.  Presidents do not have that much power.  During his Presidency we have tried hard to discuss issues from all sides and to seek an opposing point of view just to ensure we are not being one sided.  We have tried hard to not to Chicken Little the situation....

Not anymore!  Trump is going to kill my parents and others because of this pandemic.  My parents are currently in Florida, due to come back in April but because of his ridiculousness they are currently going to get in the car and drive home.  It's not just my parents that I worry about not understanding what going on. I talked with my Aunt who is also in Florida and she said they had everyone over to their place for St. Patty's Day, they are still going to yoga, and planning a fish fry for Saturday.

I know why my mom is anxious to leave, She spends everyday by herself watching the news.  The media is all about scaring the hell out of everyone on a normal basis - and this Pandemic is Perfect for them! Because now they really can say a million times a day YOU WILL DIE.  And then Trump tells everyone this is another hoax set up by the Chinese.  His bi-partisan bully antics are going to get people killed.

This is not a Republican or Democratic issue. This is a human issue. This is about true Leadership.

I don't want to debate politics, not Trump or Obama.  But what I will debate with you or anyone else right here and right now is what true leadership looks like. Trump is not it.

A true leader does not ask anything of their people that they would not do themselves.
A true leader can walk the walk, not just talk.
A true leader not only holds space for those who are hurting, but hold up those who are suffering.
A true leader inspires others to achieve their potential and fulfill their greatness.
A true leader -leads.

They do not lie, snark, bully, and most of all they do not intentionally cause harm.  What I really want right now is a true leader. Someone who makes me feel more confident when what I really feel like is Chicken Little.

A Look Way Back - A New Year

It's that time again, another year come and almost gone.  I can not ever remember a time in my life that new year's eve didn't kick me right in the gut.  The difference since I have had children is that each year is bitter sweet.  Watching them grow, wondering what the year will hold - reminiscing about the year behind.

The difference this year, is that everyone in my house seems to be feeling it.  At some point in the last week both of the boys have said something to me about how fast the year has gone.

I would like to tell you both that it gets better, but it does not.  The older you get the faster the year seems to go by. That is why it is so important to learn now, the younger the better, to enjoy the moments. Anyone who loves me knows that I love a good quote. And a good quote for this is:

Life isn't measured by the number of breathes that you take, but the moments that take your breathe away.

There is no time like the present to start helping them learn what I am struggling with at almost 50 year old.  Be in the moment, it maybe the only moment like this that you get.

I do not know that 2018 was anymore or less extraordinary than any other year but it was the year that....

My oldest made the Varsity soccer team and they went to the Elite Eight in tournament competition

My youngest has grown more in this year than in any other year of his life

My oldest son turned 16 and took his first AP class
My youngest started Junior High

I started this post and didn't finish it asking the boys to sit down with me to re-cap the year....hence why it was never finished. Maybe we will try again this year? Or maybe seeing it will make us all add out own thoughts.

Wait, What?

We played a new game over the Thanksgiving break that may become, Lord help me, a staple in our house.  If I haven't mentioned it a thousand times I have all boys, literally. I am still raising my husband.  Sometimes the conversation at the dinner table sounds more like a locker room, and smell like one too but I digress.

For both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year we packed up and went to my parent house.  Being at Nanna and Papa's house usually means there are fewer magic tricks from my teenagers.  They do this great Houdini trick where they make themselves disappear with an electronic device. "Poof"

One afternoon when I was not cooking, again, Mom and I sat down at the table to do an easy craft I brought along hoping to engage her in some kind of non cleaning activity.  Dad wondered in at one point and sat down to watch us I guess because he was not participating but he was distracting mom and asking 100 times alternately "What the Hell is that"and "Why the Hell are you doing THAT". It was super helpful - I gave thanks.

Exasperated I gave up on the ornaments and made mom and I a cup of tea and grabbed some healthyish snacks to get mom to eat something. Smelling food that was not self-serve my kids straggled into the room next.  When I set a bowl of nuts on the table I could see my dad's eyes light up. Ok just be honest, anything you set in front of my dad makes his eyes light up and becomes food even if'it's not so....

After about the third time my dad went to reach his hand into the bowl my mom grabbed the edge of the bowl and slide it across the table in front of my boys.  Dad quickly got defensive and spouted, "Now I can't even have my nuts!" At which point my boys busted out laughing and my mom piped up, "You don't need them ." Even I was crying now SNL isn't this funny anymore.

When we could catch out breath I sad to the boys I really hope one of your teachers asks you to write about your Thanksgiving break, only because if I had ever been an English teacher like I thought I was going to be that would absolutely be my first assignment after every holiday.

A little while later my husband appeared. His magic is not quite as spectacular as the boys. My husband's in-law magic consists of disappearing and reappearing after doing things like running 14 miles, or biking halfway home and back, or in this case going into the basement to do 300 Burpees just to see if he could.

He saw us all snacking and said "Oh I have some dark chocolate". My husband's idea of a true indulgence does not by any means meet human criteria.  Once in a while he buys what is suppose to be dark chocolate but is really a form of food torture.  It is organic 99% dark Cocoa with no sugar added. And every single time he eats it he has to tell us ALL about it, and offer it everyone, and say how good for you it is. No. No it's not.  Even the Aztek's didn't eat a cocoa bean off the tree and say - What at treat!

So he gets his chocolate and starts asking the usual -does anyone like dark Chocolate does anyone want dark chocolate...knowing that my mom particularly will only hear chocolate and that in her current state will not remember that this is a my husband's form of food torture I am desperately trying to talk over him and steer this boat in another direction.

Alas, mom hears chocolate and says what are you eating honey? Beaming my husband says, "I love dark chocolate mom, do you love dark chocolate? I am 80% dark chocolate, do you want some of this?"

I'll just let that simmer with you a minute,

My boys were rolling on the floor my youngest howling "no teacher would ever believe this."  My parent's are looking terribly confused and meanwhile I am shouting "NO! NO! Don't eat his chocolate!" Which only made the boys howl louder.

To her credit my mom did crack a smile and say, "No thank you I don't want your dark chocolate, and honey, you really shouldn't talk to your mother in law that way."
Now do you see why this is my kids new favorite game.