I can't do this anymore!

 I started this blog for my kids. I wanted a place to document their childhood, tell the stories that they will tell and retell to their partners,children, and grandchildren.

When they were little it was just finding time to write that was difficult.  When they got older it was finding the words to write that got difficult.

And now....it's the vision. A place to re-tell the ups and downs of their childhood, a place to tell Mom's side of the story.  A place for them to see themselves, the way I saw them.

Today they started school - as a Freshman and a Senior. They left together and not unlike most first days of school, I stayed behind and cried. 

But today the crying won't stop.  Because I feel like a fake, a fraud, a horrible parent and role model.  Today I let them go back to school thinking everything is fine and they are safe.  And I do not believe that one bit.

I do not want my kids at school, ever, but especially right now. I do not think they are safe. I do not think any of this is OK. Any of it! Not just the masks, the 6ft apart, no eating in the cafeteria, and no buses.

We are tearing apart our world piece by piece because we are tearing apart each other, piece by piece.  Countries against Countries, right against left, black against white.  Global warming, massive wildfires, Cat 5 hurricanes, killer bugs, mass shootings, ethnic cleansing, unchecked dictators, the super rich, corporate greed, mega farms, super viruses, even a pandemic. 

What am I doing? I am burying my head, neck, and shoulders in the sand! "Everything is ok - Everything will be ok."  Why do I keep repeating this??? Why do I keep saying this???

IT'S NOT OK! None of this is OK!  NONE!

And if I am leaving this blog for my kids, if I am leaving this legacy of their childhood then I need to be honest and tell them...none of this is ok.

800,000 deaths are not ok. they are not normal. they are horrible and tragic. and as fellow human beings we should not only mourn each loss, but do everything in our power to help prevent any further loss. a cop putting his knee on the neck of another human being is not ok. targeting black people is not ok. killing black people under the jurisdiction of justice is horrible and tragic. and as fellow human beings we should not only protest each loss, but do everything in our power to help prevent any further loss. children starving, people starving is not ok. humans going hungry in a world with more abundance then ever before in history is horrible and tragic. we should not only work hard not to waste anything but also to help prevent any further waste from happening.  hate speech, divisive tweets, terrorism, war, conflict, and fighting are not ok.  staying silent is horrible and tragic. 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me bring love.

Where there is offence, let me bring pardon.

Where there is discord, let me bring union.

Where there is error, let me bring truth.

Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.

Where there is despair, let me bring hope.

Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.

Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.

O Master, let me not seek as much

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love,

for it is in giving that one receives,

it is in self-forgetting that one finds,

it is in pardoning that one is pardoned.

I am not a very religious person, I am definitely not a political person, but I am a person.  I am a human being! We are all human beings. Capable of great and wonderful things if we put our mind to it. Capable of wicked and horrible things if we put our mind to it. Which will you choose?

My Dear Sons - know that I choose good. I choose love and light. I choose for you because I want more than I alone can give you.  The things that I want for you will take all of us working and choosing and loving together.    That is what I chose for you.