Monday, October 4, 2010

Who are you praying to?

There are moments in my life that have made me absolutely believe in a power greater than me. Mother earth, the Almighty, the gods, whoever you pray to, most of us believe in something bigger.

Funny thing- for me growing up that "thing" was God of the Catholic variety. So he took on the figure of a man basking in bright white light seated on a throne. In college as I started to meet other people and explore new ideas I toyed with the idea of figures, a sort of consortium of deities. Allah, Buddha, Messiah, and so on. Now that I am a mother, the figure has taken on the face of a woman. A mother.

I hang on to those moments when I am sure that the higher power I feel is a kind and gentle woman, perhaps sitting by the hearth, feeling the warmth on her face and hands as she sews the fabric that is our lives. Pushing us as if on the head of that needle threw the fabric, this way and that. A chance encounter, a sudden change of mind, or a total shift in direction makes the quilt that will tell our story.

There are too many moments when I curse the sky not sure where the higher power is at- if there at all. Why do children die? Why does war happen? Why do loved ones get cancer? That to me is the act of a cruel God, not a gentle woman. No woman would let you harm a innocent child, nor take her son to war. No woman would create cancer, there is enough suffering in motherhood already.

Some days are just like this I guess, you can't seem to get a hold of anything that makes you feel grounded. It all seems to short, fleeting, temporary. It is days like this that I can not seem to get motivated to do much more than hug my kids, and pray, that God truly is a gentle woman.

No comments:

Post a Comment