After I left college I flounder around for quite a while. Just couldn't figure out what I wanted to do let alone how I was going to make a difference. I ended up working in non-profit for a while and met the most amazing woman.
She took me out to lunch on several occasions and gave me advice on how to handle people, situations, and things that were coming at me. The one thing she said that I have thought about over and over again threw the years is that when something is happening that you just can't make sense of ask yourself, "What is the universe trying to tell me?"
There have been many times in my life since then I have asked that question. or screamed that question. or choked the question out through tears. What am I suppose to learn? How is THIS suppose to teach me something? What do you want me to know?
I was clear with the universe that I am not good at subtlety. "Make it a Billboard!" I would shout to the universe, "I'm not good at the small stuff." But when I tried to get better at looking for the small things, I would miss the billboard right in front of me. I felt doomed.
Someone asked me the other day if I was mad about getting cancer. If having to go through all of this made me want to scream, why me! So I thought about it.
No. I am not mad. I realized I knew it was coming, in that way that I know things are going to happen. It's not as clear as the Long Island Medium unfortunately or I'd sure as heck be hitting the talk show circuit myself. But I knew it, and had readied for worse.
Did I ever ask why me? No. Didn't cross my mind to ask that question, but I did ask, "What is the universe trying to tell me?" I'm still working on that one. But if I had to make some guesses right about now it would be that it's about damn time I take care of myself. Not just physically. But mentally. Being a mom is the greatest job I've ever had, and the hardest job I've ever had, but it is also the most enlightening job I've ever had.
In any other job to get a raise you get reviewed. You sit down in front of your boss and they ask you what you think you did well that year and after you tell them they pick it all apart and tell you what you really did wrong. It is humbling, eye opening, and infuriating but when it is done right it can be very constructive to you as an employee and a person.
Being a mother is like being reviewed everyday. Thinking that I am in charge of making these little people into gentlemen is a daunting task and very often I am humbled when they teach me what life is all about. Watching how they handle situations and thinking, WOW, where did you learn that? Not from me.
But they did learn that from me, I just didn't realize I was teaching. Maybe that is what the universe is trying to tell me. To quote a silly old bear of very little brain...
"there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
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