Funny how a song, smell, even a picture can take you back to a particular time and place. Yesterday at church a young girl played "Cannon in D Major" by Pachebel. We played this at our wedding as I walked down the aisle. I always tear up when I hear the song, but yesterday as I closed my eyes and took myself back to that moment I was surprised by my reaction. Panic.
Panic is not new to me, or any special occasion in my life. But to be sitting in a safe place in the world, in my life and go right straight back to the panic I felt on my wedding day was crazy. The fear was not about getting married, or being married, but simply having to be on the alter in church. (To me there is such a thing as being to close to God.) And there I sat, with my eyes closed, no chance of having to walk to the front of church - heart racing, palms sweating, stomach flipping.
Panic is not new to me. I've learned to go with it, let it flow a little, see where it's going, then work through it. So as I took myself back to my wedding day I walked through all of it. The song and the panic began to flow outward and away as I got closer to my husband. My dad took my arm and told me to breath. I looked up and saw a friends three year-old peeking from the pew. My husband getting closer. A beloved neighbor. My husband getting closer. Friends from college. My husband getting closer. My cousins, uncles, aunts, and family. Then he was there. Then he kissed me.
Panic is not new to me. I remember this moment on our wedding day because I was horrified that we had done something wrong and would get yelled at by the priest or worse struck down with lighting right there in church. Then our officiant and friend Deacon Tom smiled his tender smile and said, "You look beautiful". to which I replied, "I'm scared shitless".
And I was worried about the kiss!
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