What will they say about me.....

If you have never watched the movie Auntie Mame - You Must! "Because life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"

I have an Auntie Mame or rather and Auntie Carole. Since the day I can remember sitting at her knee at family Christmas I have been enamored with her. Everything about her. Her beauty, her voice, her laugh, but particularly her way of making me feel like I was The Most Special person in the world. I wanted to be her. Our time was always limited but I soaked up as much as I could hoping it would rub off.

Growing up in the 80's I was a huge fan of Different strokes and Facts of Life. So, I dreamed of one day getting to live with Auntie Carole! Or at least get sent to Boarding School, preferably on the East Coast near her. I didn't know how else to be her if I didn't get more of her?

Life marches on. I am 50 years old now and still wondering Who am I? My Aunt and Uncle have celebrated 55 years of Marriage. As I watched the video their son made of the party and the speeches I was brought to tears. Auntie Carole is still the most amazing human being as was remarked upon over and over but it is so clear....she knows who she is. She knows how to move through this world with remarkable grace, kindness, elegance compassion, bravery, independence, charisma, and authenticity. There is No One Else like her.

As I watched their 55th Anniversary video I was thinking of Auntie Mame and her charge Patrick Dennis. Patrick had all of Auntie Mame and didn't soak it up right away. He went in the opposite direction first before he came around the bend to see the gifts in Auntie Mame. I'm beating myself up for not being more, not doing enough, for not eating at the banquet of life instead of starving to death! I am not giving myself any grace for coming around the bend.

Watching my mom disintegrate from Alzheimer's has been gut wrenching. Every day I do or say, or more like can't say because I can't think of the word, something that sets off alarm bells in my head. Instead of thinking "Life begins at 50!" I start to lament that is all downhill from here and once again I am at the banquet watching, wishing, waiting.

What will they say about me? When it is my turn will there be anyone there? Maybe if I start to picture that party it will motivate me to step up to the table, take a plate, and stop starving.