Raising your parents

 Watch for my first book titled "How To Raise Your Parents".

Taking care of my aging parents has been quite a trip. As my brother who was a Grateful Dead fan would say What a long strange trip it's been. It has definitely been stressful, but that is to be expected when you are also raising teenagers, working, and trying to get your marriage out of the toilet.

A lot of this experience has been enlightening. These years have not only given me a chance to see my parents in a new light but also to finally set up boundaries in our relationship. Our family was far from perfect. I was far from perfect! I have spent a lot of time and energy in healing the hurts, calming the chaos, and figuring out how to forgive. Forgiving myself took the most time.

I know for a fact I would not be this far without this time of vulnerability with my parents. Helping my dad navigate the decline and disintegration of my mom. Being there for both of them through surgeries and recovery. Holding my dad's hand when my older brother died from cancer while they were still estranged. It was during these times I witnessed my parents at their most vulnerable and caught what I think is a glimpse of who they were before me.

My dad has been in and out of the hospital in the last month and recently someone asked me, "How can you take care of a parent who never took care of you?" It's a valid question it's just not an easy answer. I am not sure that I can explain it, but I will try...here is what I know. 1. We do not get to pick our parents. So, I do not belabor the point. Like I tell students every time I pass out popsicles - you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit. 2. I want to live by the Platinum rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated, No matter how they are acting! 3. It is important for me to live my integrity, truth, and values. I believe taking care of your parents is fundamental. and I guess I know firsthand 4. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato.

It is an undeniable fact - I was an extremely difficult child. I didn't sleep over 2 hours in a 24 hour period until I was 3 years old. I screamed constantly. I was inconsolable. I was child #3. I was hyper and clingy and anxious. And I was (am) and asshole when I'm anxious. I have two older siblings and when I was four mom got pregnant which could not have been easy because little did she know she was having twins. Dad was self-employed and sold Real Estate to keep us all fed so he was always working and rarely home. At 52 years old with only 2 children I can give them both grace that they did the best they could! It sounds massively overwhelming considering all the other things we all know about married life. In-laws, siblings, birthdays, holidays, their own parents, sports, school functions, homework, broken arms, stitches, bills, etc, etc, etc....

They did the best they could. They gave me what they had to give. The atmosphere may not have been perfect but I had dance lessons, new clothes, vacations, over the top Christmases, boats, snowmobiles, cousins, and all 4 grandparents. Now, as an adult I have a choice to make be angry and resentful for I didn't get or go find it myself. My toolbox was pretty inadequate. I use the analogy that I had metric tools for a US system but there were some good tools in there. Loyalty, hard work, acts of service, contribute to your community, and love your family. Both Grandfathers were entrepreneurs. Both served their community, one as County Auditor-one as president of the Kawanis, and both as members of the church. My grandmothers were also forces to be reckoned were just as respected in the community and even more by their families.

As I said there's no easy answer. Like life and people, it's complicated. I am grateful for what they gave, sacrificed, and did. And I grateful for all of the opportunities and people along the way that showed me what was possible. Maybe now I can be there for them in the ways I wish could have been for me.