Have you ever had those moments as a parent when you realise it's all your fault?
It's ok, I need a moment too....
Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I was able to enjoy family but also to relax, watch, reflect. And there were those moments of - Oh God! That is all me.
As I watch my mother struggle with memory loss I try to remember that Alzheimer research is saying it's not written in stone, it's not all in your genes. But it doesn't feel that way. I see my Grandmother more and more in her every day and then I find myself holding my breath.
My thirteen-year-old son is such an amazing young man and yet I watch him do everything just half way. If he doesn't get something right the first time he shrugs and walks away resolved that he is no good at it and then I find myself holding my breath.
I am 45 years-old and I still have trouble speaking up for myself, making time for myself, finding a passion or a hobby even and pouring my heart into it. But perhaps that is not entirely true? Literally. as I am writing this (which is why I write obviously) a little voice in my head yelled "Wrong Buzzard Breath!" You have your people. But I find myself holding my breath.
I pour my heart and soul into my people. The problem with this is that people don't always know that they are getting your whole heart and soul - and they didn't really ask for it - and they may not want it. I know that I do not want the responsibility of being someone's only reason for living. Look at all the cool stuff out there in the world!! Who throws all those eggs in one basket?
Me. That's who. I don't show my son how to be anything but me - and that's scary. I guess I thought by pouring my whole heart and soul into him I could make him everything but me. HA. Time to re-read Brene Brown, huh? I thought that I could override the genes without any hard work. Sound familiar?
Maybe there are some genes we can override and some that we can not. I don't know. But I do know that it is time for me to get to work. And get more baskets.
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