Granted I am not sleeping well these days, but it is harder when my six-year-old climbs in bed with me. At 2:00 a.m. this morning he came in and said "I need a drink of water". Ugh. It's easier when he just climbs in and I can roll over and go back to sleep.
We went into the bathroom and fortunately there is a full moon so we didn't turn on the light. He drank 2 glasses of water, which made me think I should make him go to the bathroom so he wasn't up in another hour soaking wet.
He even went back to sleep in his own bed, or so I thought. Two hours later he was at the bedside again. This time it was bad dreams so I scooted over and he snuggled up even put his arms around me so that I couldn't roll away. (which I usually do) Must have been bad.
I really struggled to get him awake today he was obviously up for most of those 2 hours after the water the poor kid. Daddy carried him downstairs and sat at the table hoping he would wake up for breakfast. I finally went over to give him a kiss and said "It's time to wake up."
He opened his eyes and stretched. I told him I was sorry that he had bad dreams. He said, "It was really bad. I couldn't get back to my real life. I couldn't get back to the real you. My eyes wouldn't open so I was stuck in the dream where bad things were happening."
Such poignant words from a 6 year-old, some days I feel like if I could just open my eyes all the bad stuff would just go away.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
What now???
How apropos - What now? I have been asking that question for over a month now. Between a major project that I am working on at the boys school which has consumed literally weeks of my life, I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.
So what now?
Well - the good news is they found it very early, scary news I'm a little young for this. Good News is they have a genetic test to figure out if I am pre-disposed to cancer, bad news is it costs $5000 and the hopeful good news is insurance will cover it. Good news is we are not talking about Chemo or Radiation at this time and the almost bad news is it's a double mastectomy but more good news - I get a Boob Job!! See more good than bad!
So what now?
Acknowledging that this is happening to me. It's an odd thing to say I have breast cancer. I'm not feeling lousy. OK I should be honest. I am feeling lousy because they took away my birth control pills so my IBS is out of control and my panic attacks are back to full swing and I do mean swing. One minute I am flying around the house making dinner, putting up Christmas decorations, folding laundry, and helping the kids with homework - the next minute I am clutching the sink trying to catch my breath hoping the floor doesn't open up and swallow me whole.
So now what?
Getting mentally prepared. This isn't easy to do with very little factual information yet. I meet with the plastic surgeon next week and then will meet with the breast surgeon to make the final plan of attack, or should I say plan of the hack. Right now all I have are other people's stories. My sister, aunt, myself......they all start out well meaning and I know this I've been there myself. So taken off guard when someone says I have cancer that I fumble around and end up telling them everyone I have ever known who's had cancer. I think because for so many of us the word cancer = death. We watched loved ones suffer and die. I'M NOT THERE PEOPLE! promise ;-)
So now what?
A friend who's a 20+ year cancer survivor gave me his button that says "Living Proof". He is truly amazing living proof considering that he has 4 beautiful children, and amazing wife, and can mountain bike with my husband. I didn't say he could keep up, but he can ride! My Aunt, my other friend, my Bunko Babe all of these people are living proof. And all of them went through the wicked crazy hell of Chemo and Radiation. It almost feels like cheating to say breast cancer. The Doctors call this by it's initials - DCIS. Or maybe I could just call it the mammary monster.
So now what?
My kids. My nine-year-old son has had 2 classmates lose a parent to cancer. One of the families we are close to and it had a overwhelming effect on him. He was a mess last Spring wondering why good people like Mr. Carnevale have to die and what if it happens to us? I'm not telling the kids anything and I don't care how you feel about that. This is in my control and it is my choice. They know that mommy is seeing some Doctors because they found something in my body that is not suppose to be there. I told them that the Doctors are going to figure out how to get it out.
So now what?
Asking for help. This has never come easy to me and let's put credit where credit is due. Mom you raised me to be strong, tough, independent, self-sufficient, and stubborn as hell. This is all your fault. It's not even the asking for help - because God knows I will need it and I'm OK with being pampered. What I think is hardest is that being Mom is all that I am right now - making sure there's a note in each lunch box, that their favorite sweatshirt is clean, knowing who needs a snack and who needs a hug and.........doing it all. That's my job.
So now what?
Christmas. I plan on thinking and working and planning for Christmas before December 23rd this year. Well, first finishing this damn school project that seems to have taken over my life. December 7th I can put that behind me and focus on getting Christmas presents bought and shipped without having to overnight a thing. Baking Christmas cookies with the boys instead of buying them from Kroger on the way home. Sending out a Christmas card that has an actual Christmasy picture and does not show up on January 14th. Watching the Christmas specials on TV in our PJ's with popcorn instead of trying to YouTube while the children are screaming that everyone else already saw it.
So now what?
I am sending you all wishes for a great day, a wonderful holiday season, and a request. This holiday season when things get crazy please take one moment to stop - to breath - and to thank God that we all have each other.
So what now?
Well - the good news is they found it very early, scary news I'm a little young for this. Good News is they have a genetic test to figure out if I am pre-disposed to cancer, bad news is it costs $5000 and the hopeful good news is insurance will cover it. Good news is we are not talking about Chemo or Radiation at this time and the almost bad news is it's a double mastectomy but more good news - I get a Boob Job!! See more good than bad!
So what now?
Acknowledging that this is happening to me. It's an odd thing to say I have breast cancer. I'm not feeling lousy. OK I should be honest. I am feeling lousy because they took away my birth control pills so my IBS is out of control and my panic attacks are back to full swing and I do mean swing. One minute I am flying around the house making dinner, putting up Christmas decorations, folding laundry, and helping the kids with homework - the next minute I am clutching the sink trying to catch my breath hoping the floor doesn't open up and swallow me whole.
So now what?
Getting mentally prepared. This isn't easy to do with very little factual information yet. I meet with the plastic surgeon next week and then will meet with the breast surgeon to make the final plan of attack, or should I say plan of the hack. Right now all I have are other people's stories. My sister, aunt, myself......they all start out well meaning and I know this I've been there myself. So taken off guard when someone says I have cancer that I fumble around and end up telling them everyone I have ever known who's had cancer. I think because for so many of us the word cancer = death. We watched loved ones suffer and die. I'M NOT THERE PEOPLE! promise ;-)
So now what?
A friend who's a 20+ year cancer survivor gave me his button that says "Living Proof". He is truly amazing living proof considering that he has 4 beautiful children, and amazing wife, and can mountain bike with my husband. I didn't say he could keep up, but he can ride! My Aunt, my other friend, my Bunko Babe all of these people are living proof. And all of them went through the wicked crazy hell of Chemo and Radiation. It almost feels like cheating to say breast cancer. The Doctors call this by it's initials - DCIS. Or maybe I could just call it the mammary monster.
So now what?
My kids. My nine-year-old son has had 2 classmates lose a parent to cancer. One of the families we are close to and it had a overwhelming effect on him. He was a mess last Spring wondering why good people like Mr. Carnevale have to die and what if it happens to us? I'm not telling the kids anything and I don't care how you feel about that. This is in my control and it is my choice. They know that mommy is seeing some Doctors because they found something in my body that is not suppose to be there. I told them that the Doctors are going to figure out how to get it out.
So now what?
Asking for help. This has never come easy to me and let's put credit where credit is due. Mom you raised me to be strong, tough, independent, self-sufficient, and stubborn as hell. This is all your fault. It's not even the asking for help - because God knows I will need it and I'm OK with being pampered. What I think is hardest is that being Mom is all that I am right now - making sure there's a note in each lunch box, that their favorite sweatshirt is clean, knowing who needs a snack and who needs a hug and.........doing it all. That's my job.
So now what?
Christmas. I plan on thinking and working and planning for Christmas before December 23rd this year. Well, first finishing this damn school project that seems to have taken over my life. December 7th I can put that behind me and focus on getting Christmas presents bought and shipped without having to overnight a thing. Baking Christmas cookies with the boys instead of buying them from Kroger on the way home. Sending out a Christmas card that has an actual Christmasy picture and does not show up on January 14th. Watching the Christmas specials on TV in our PJ's with popcorn instead of trying to YouTube while the children are screaming that everyone else already saw it.
So now what?
I am sending you all wishes for a great day, a wonderful holiday season, and a request. This holiday season when things get crazy please take one moment to stop - to breath - and to thank God that we all have each other.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
It's my OCD! No-My OCD!
I've been thinking about this ever since the week that I went head to head every morning with my youngest son over the length of his shoelaces. By Friday I was exhausted and said to him, "There are sick children in the hospital right now and you are crying over shoelaces. Stop!" I was sure that he just needed to get over it.
I realized that day after school as I was complaining again about the no one cleaning up their lunchboxes that I wanted everyone to give up their OCD for mine. What I was asking was for them to think exactly the way I do, care about exactly what I care about, to do things my way or hit the highway.
Where does this come from? Is it just me? This weekend after celebrating an early Thanksgiving and Christmas with my parents I had an epiphany. My dad started to say something and my mom started to correct him, "No that's not what you say. You need to say this."
So when I see my own children and shake my head thinking that's my apple, it struck me that I too am an apple. And there's my tree. I tend to associate more with the other tree because that's what I was told all my life, "You are just like your father." I guess it never dawned on me that I could be from both trees but becoming a mom has taught me many things. This is just one.
Your OCD or mine? Forget it, let's call a truce and eat chocolate. Life's just to short.
I realized that day after school as I was complaining again about the no one cleaning up their lunchboxes that I wanted everyone to give up their OCD for mine. What I was asking was for them to think exactly the way I do, care about exactly what I care about, to do things my way or hit the highway.
Where does this come from? Is it just me? This weekend after celebrating an early Thanksgiving and Christmas with my parents I had an epiphany. My dad started to say something and my mom started to correct him, "No that's not what you say. You need to say this."
So when I see my own children and shake my head thinking that's my apple, it struck me that I too am an apple. And there's my tree. I tend to associate more with the other tree because that's what I was told all my life, "You are just like your father." I guess it never dawned on me that I could be from both trees but becoming a mom has taught me many things. This is just one.
Your OCD or mine? Forget it, let's call a truce and eat chocolate. Life's just to short.
Friday, November 16, 2012
I Loved Lucy....
I don't know who doesn't love Lucy. However, I was born a dramatic redhead who married a crazy Greek. I feel a direct connection to the Queen of Comedy. Thanks to something called ME TV I was able to share Lucy with my two boys this summer. There were days that they just needed some down time between the pool and dinner and it was the one channel I could trust to be appropriate but not for "babies".
The one thing that struck me from a very young age was when Lucy would start to tell a story about what happened and it would be NOTHING like reality. But it was her reality. So this summer we started playing the I Love Lucy game.
This is how it goes. The boys are playing in the playroom, upstairs, or outside without direct adult supervision. A scuffle ensues and the first one in says, "MMMMMOOOOOMMMM! He _______me and then he _______ me and tried to ________me." Then the second child follows with, "NaUh! He _________ me first then he _______ and I didn't even do anything!"
Thus begins the I Love Lucy game. By the time it was over we were sometimes laughing and giggling and trying hard to make the story even bigger and bigger and bigger. My youngest son who is 6 years-old is the very best at this game. In fact he sometimes plays it by himself. He lapses into a story and it keeps getting bigger and then one of us makes the mistakes of giggling and then it really gets big.
Yesterday he came home from school and as he was snacking told me that it was the Asst. Principal's Birthday so on the way to the bus he said "Happy Birthday Mr. Buck." to which he replied "Thanks- you are the best student ever!" I said wow that was really cool of him, knowing the man's sense of humor and totally believing this.
My son replied, "Yeah - that never happened. I just said Happy Birthday and he said Thanks."
That's my Lucy!!
The one thing that struck me from a very young age was when Lucy would start to tell a story about what happened and it would be NOTHING like reality. But it was her reality. So this summer we started playing the I Love Lucy game.
This is how it goes. The boys are playing in the playroom, upstairs, or outside without direct adult supervision. A scuffle ensues and the first one in says, "MMMMMOOOOOMMMM! He _______me and then he _______ me and tried to ________me." Then the second child follows with, "NaUh! He _________ me first then he _______ and I didn't even do anything!"
Thus begins the I Love Lucy game. By the time it was over we were sometimes laughing and giggling and trying hard to make the story even bigger and bigger and bigger. My youngest son who is 6 years-old is the very best at this game. In fact he sometimes plays it by himself. He lapses into a story and it keeps getting bigger and then one of us makes the mistakes of giggling and then it really gets big.
Yesterday he came home from school and as he was snacking told me that it was the Asst. Principal's Birthday so on the way to the bus he said "Happy Birthday Mr. Buck." to which he replied "Thanks- you are the best student ever!" I said wow that was really cool of him, knowing the man's sense of humor and totally believing this.
My son replied, "Yeah - that never happened. I just said Happy Birthday and he said Thanks."
That's my Lucy!!
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