Keep the Faith

It is not easy to write while sobbing.  I am dripping tears and snot all over the keyboard, that can't be good.

I just really can't take anymore.  I can't take the upheaval in my house every morning that happens when I say the words, "Time for school."  It happens every morning, school that is, and the upheaval at the suggestion that you get ready and be at the bus on time.

I walked my youngest son to his classroom this morning after 30 minutes of screaming and crying.  It started with the pants that he didn't want to wear.  Then the shirt that he didn't want to put on.  My husband tried to take over as I put our oldest on the bus.  That didn't help.  Daddy was trying to convince him to dress warmly because of the snow on the ground.  He missed the bus and that sent him into a tail spin.

I can't say that we recovered from this, because I don't think he did.  I just got the car, gathered his things and all the clothes in question and told him to get dressed before we arrived at school.  Then we grabbed his backpack and ran to class.  Everyone was already seated, quiet, working.  He was tense and whispered to me, I told you I am late.  The teacher was in the corner digging in a cabinet.  I told him she didn't notice yet keep going.

I took the opportunity to slip over and say to her that he is having a really really tough morning and could she just give him a little extra TLC.  She asked me what happened.  and I started to cry.  I don't know is all that I could muster before I slipped out of the room giving my little one a big squeeze and telling him it would be a good day.

Bullshit.  Today is going to suck and we all know it.  I haven't stopped crying yet.  My heart hurts. Physically hurts. and I think I'm going to throw up.  I can't help him.  This is all my fault. I have anxiety.  These are my genes.  I did this knowing I could have a child just like me, and I did.  And I can't help him because I am 40 years-old and I can't help myself.

Anxiety sucks.  It is not something you fix. It is something you deal with everyday.  There is no miracle drug.  If you treat the anxiety you cause depression and trust me life is already depressing and exhuasting enough when you spend everyday running from anxiety.

My friend sent a beautiful email about keeping the faith during these trying times of election rhetoric, storm tragedies, and scary world events.  I try.  I don't wake up with anxiety.  I wake up with hope everyday that I have outrun it, finally.  I wake up with the idea that there is someone out there more in need of peace than myself.  I wake up with faith, the trick is keeping it.