A message to my first boyfriend....

Dear Kirk -
I am so sorry to hear of your passing. I still can not believe that you are gone. My heart goes out to your wife and son, and to all your family. The loss they must feel right now seems unfathomable.

Hearing of your accident made me take a very long hard trip down memory lane. It's been 33 years since we met! That's a long time.  I haven't thought about JR HS (unless I had to) and even then I think I blocked most of it out.

What has been most interesting over the last week thinking about you, us, everyone is how much you touched my life that I never noticed before. I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for a lot of things, Kirk. I wish I could thank you in person. Why didn't I?

I don't remember the exact day that you walked into my life, but I do remember the smile. I was a scared lonely 7th grader walking home alone every day.  Until the 4 Musketeers came along.  Heidi, Teresa, Scott, and Kirk. The girls said Hello and invited me to walk with them, but you just smiled. A smile that literally went from ear to ear. With your bowl haircut and thick glasses and your Football Jersey if I remember correctly.  I was terrified of you all, you were a group, you were happy, your were friends, and I didn't know what any of those things were.

You taught me all of it, and more.

It wasn't long before your group of 4 became 5 and we were officially "going together". I know how much it hurt Teresa, but I also knew that you were not interested in Teresa like that, and you and I had a connection. One that would be hard to break in the years to come.

Remember all those days after school in Heidi basement with you and Scott trying desperately to get one of us to pee our pants laughing? And Scott trying desperately to get Heidi to kiss him. I remember hanging out in your basement also which felt so edgy because your bedroom was down there, but there was always a parent or one of your little sisters nearby.

Watching you with your sisters was amazing to me since I had an older brother who had three little sisters also - you two were nothing alike.  You loved them all very much and it showed, most of the time.  It was cool to watch you play with them, especially Nicole who was maybe 6? She would bring dolls, or My Little Pony's or whatever she was playing with at the time.  Somehow it always morphed into a battle with GI Joe but it still made them all laugh.

I will always remember your laugh. It was genuine, and hearty. When I think of Laugh loud, long, and often! I think of you. Making people laugh was your ultimate goal and you would do anything to get it. The more they resisted the harder you worked, the sillier you got, the crazy the faces, dances, and words.

Oh your made up words! I wish I would have written them down. You were always making up words to use.  The best part was how you used them so confidently and regularly that all of your friends started using them too.

Our Jr High break up was what my sons would call Epic today. It took me a week to figure out what it was though, and I only figured it out because you blabbed all over school what you did. I'm giggling just picturing you dragging the phone into your bedroom and shutting the door. Then calling my house, asking for me, and waiting all anxious and shaking with the pause button down on your Boombox and the cassette tape in the exact right place. When I answered you played Burn Bitch Burn by KISS into the phone and then slammed it down. I couldn't understand a word so I just shrugged and hung up. Not at all the reaction you were hoping for I know! Don't worry I got mad a week later when I heard what you did.

It would not be the last of us though, not by a long shot.  How many times did we officially get back together and break up? I was thinking 4? We went to a Homecoming together right, and sock hops after the football games. We almost went to Prom - that is still EPIC you stinker!! I can not believe that you dumped me two weeks before Prom and took someone else. And I took you back after that too!

Oh Kirk. My heart hurts. It hurts for your son who I am sure has the same twinkle in his eye that you do, it's called ornery. You gave the word new meaning.  But you were never afraid to be yourself. You were never afraid to be different - very different. In fact you revealed in it.  You idolized Jeff Spicoli and were the first person in the Midwest to call everyone "Dude" and talk like a surfer.

I will never forget, I think your senior year, we were not dating at the time (imagine that) and I was coming up the stairs to Senior Hallway for a math class. As I was getting to the top of the stairs I hear chanting and stomping and howling laughter.  When I rounded the corner there you were doing your best Native American Snow Dance in the hallway with everyone watching even the teachers.  I swear it wasn't 20 minutes later it started to snow and everyone in school heard you holler "WOOOWHOO!!" You did it.

How you loved to be outdoors.  I think you loved cold the best, snowskiing, hockey, snowmobiling but how many hours did I spend driving a boat for you and my little brother? I think you learned to Barefoot behind our boat.  All those times at your Grandparents cottage on the lake.

Do you remember the card I got for your HS graduation? OMG! Was that not perfect? I think it led to another reunion for us if I am not mistaken.  You had gotten into some kind of trouble and lost your driver's license and I found a card that said something like "Congraulations on your Graduation." and on the inside it read, "That tassel will look great flying in the wind from your ten speed bike." You  were mad but you laughed and tickled me.

You tickled the hell out of me. Where did that memory come from? I hate being tickled and you thought it was funny to watch me jump and squirm and run away terrified that you would get me.

Oh Kirk. What happened. You are the Man of Steel.  When I heard you had a motrocycle accident I thought for sure it would be another story to add to your collection. You were a great story teller. My goodness the stories you collected over the years.

I can not imagine the pain your wife and son are going through. My heart aches for them and your family.  You will be so sorely missed.  I know that our journey was not meant to be together, but I am truly sorry that we drifted so far apart. I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize how much I owe you for the person that I am today.

I don't even know how to end this letter, maybe I will just leave it open and keep typing forever and that way I don't have to break up again.....

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Even you if you get one or two helpful hints - it's all worth it.

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Einstein, Mali, and tests....

It's finally almost Fall but most schools in this country have been in full swing for a while. Some are on the tail end of the first semester. One thing is for sure - they have all gotten their testing in.  My 5th grader was MAP testing in his second week of school.

Because testing will fix everything. Right? It must be what we all believe because there is no group fighting school testing.  There are no outraged mom's picketing the PTA chanting "Hell to the No! Testing must go!"

There should be.  I have yet to see the test results that prove that test results fixed the problem.  I did just now finally receive my 5th-grader's 4th-grade test scores. Thank goodness! I was waiting on pins and needles for those to make sure he was on grade-level.

It's an election year - and while I do not want to discuss that- we all know that Education will be dissected by each candidate.  Common core will be brought up yet again as both the Sinner and the Saviour.  No child will be left behind to STEM for themselves.

There is a lot of talk about Education in the news this week.  Some of the interviews I have listened to have brought me to tears while others had me hopping mad. Each with its own worth. But every time the topic comes up I am reminded of what Albert Einstein said "Everyone is a Genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid."

Taylor Mali, a Teacher and amazing poet writes in a moment of brilliance something like How can a chicken give birth to an Eagle.  Well my friend, it can not. And a cheeseburger can not fall to far from the apple tree. And a fish can not climb a tree. But a school can get funding from their test scores.

for more Taylor Mali see his Poetry Slam - What Teachers Make

How do I look?

It's a dangerous question to ask when you live with all boys. Even more dangerous when you already know that you are pushing the boundaries of fashion pulling out a ten-year-old skirt and wedge sandals that you accidentally bought in the Junior Department.

I don't own a proper bra anymore because, well just because. I could own one but I don't like shopping and bra shopping seems even more hideous than regular clothes shopping. Also because most of what I have purchased in the last thirteen years since my children were born was an after thought at Target.

Even though I have started working part-time there was not a huge need to add to my wardrobe and certainly not anything all fancy nancy.  I work in a basement! Usually without human interaction at all so I guess you say I'm channeling Bob Cratchit in work and fashion.

That won't fly tonight though as all four of us from work are being treated to dinner by the boss at one of the nicest restaurants in the midwest. I've been quietly fretting over this all day but seeing as I had other more important things to do, like. Oh hell! I was just to lazy to go to TJ Maxx and find something.

So here it is zero hour and I have got to get out the door.  I've had my hair up, then down, then half up and half down.  I tried to put on make-up but it's been so long my eye shadow is too heavy and how was I suppose to know that was not for my eyebrows? Seriously, I've changed six times I still look like a very old very sad hooker.

I made the mistake of asking the boys, "How do I look?" to which they politely replied....You look beautiful Mom. Their wives will thank me.

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balance

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noun  bal·ance \ˈba-lən(t)s\

Simple Definition of balance

• : the state of having your weight spread equally so that you do not fall
• : the ability to move or to remain in a position without losing control or falling
• : a state in which different things occur in equal or proper amounts or have an 
• equal or proper amount of importance

Source: Merriam-Webster's Learner's Dictionary

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Such a simple word - a simple definition (it even says so). The second line is my favorite. I think it is truly the definition of life.

To remain in a position without losing control or falling.

This is my goal. Whether that position is wife, mother, employee, daughter, or dog owner my goal is to remain engaged and balanced in that position without losing control or falling. I've come to appreciate not being in total control of a situation, being mindful of the space that I am in, and trying to be present enough to feel whatever the moment brings. 

But somehow the self doubt still creeps in that perhaps I am not doing all of that in the moment. That I have am falling short or losing it.  The goal seems so simple. As simple as the definition. Just stay balanced.

Yet it's not. Balance is not an easy pursuit however I feel the word is everywhere.  Is it the Universe sending me a message? Is it just a current Buzzword? Is it because I am searching so desperately for it?  Balance seems to be everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.

 Let me know what you think.....maybe we can find it together. Namaste.

The menu's are back! Just in time for school.

I can't believe that summer is almost over. This is our last week. Soccer is is full swing. Where does the time go? I know the boys are anxious to pack a lot into this week - so knowing dinner is already planned is a load off my mind.

Last Week of Summer Menu

click the link above