What will they say about me.....

If you have never watched the movie Auntie Mame - You Must! "Because life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"

I have an Auntie Mame or rather and Auntie Carole. Since the day I can remember sitting at her knee at family Christmas I have been enamored with her. Everything about her. Her beauty, her voice, her laugh, but particularly her way of making me feel like I was The Most Special person in the world. I wanted to be her. Our time was always limited but I soaked up as much as I could hoping it would rub off.

Growing up in the 80's I was a huge fan of Different strokes and Facts of Life. So, I dreamed of one day getting to live with Auntie Carole! Or at least get sent to Boarding School, preferably on the East Coast near her. I didn't know how else to be her if I didn't get more of her?

Life marches on. I am 50 years old now and still wondering Who am I? My Aunt and Uncle have celebrated 55 years of Marriage. As I watched the video their son made of the party and the speeches I was brought to tears. Auntie Carole is still the most amazing human being as was remarked upon over and over but it is so clear....she knows who she is. She knows how to move through this world with remarkable grace, kindness, elegance compassion, bravery, independence, charisma, and authenticity. There is No One Else like her.

As I watched their 55th Anniversary video I was thinking of Auntie Mame and her charge Patrick Dennis. Patrick had all of Auntie Mame and didn't soak it up right away. He went in the opposite direction first before he came around the bend to see the gifts in Auntie Mame. I'm beating myself up for not being more, not doing enough, for not eating at the banquet of life instead of starving to death! I am not giving myself any grace for coming around the bend.

Watching my mom disintegrate from Alzheimer's has been gut wrenching. Every day I do or say, or more like can't say because I can't think of the word, something that sets off alarm bells in my head. Instead of thinking "Life begins at 50!" I start to lament that is all downhill from here and once again I am at the banquet watching, wishing, waiting.

What will they say about me? When it is my turn will there be anyone there? Maybe if I start to picture that party it will motivate me to step up to the table, take a plate, and stop starving.

Raising your parents

 Watch for my first book titled "How To Raise Your Parents".

Taking care of my aging parents has been quite a trip. As my brother who was a Grateful Dead fan would say What a long strange trip it's been. It has definitely been stressful, but that is to be expected when you are also raising teenagers, working, and trying to get your marriage out of the toilet.

A lot of this experience has been enlightening. These years have not only given me a chance to see my parents in a new light but also to finally set up boundaries in our relationship. Our family was far from perfect. I was far from perfect! I have spent a lot of time and energy in healing the hurts, calming the chaos, and figuring out how to forgive. Forgiving myself took the most time.

I know for a fact I would not be this far without this time of vulnerability with my parents. Helping my dad navigate the decline and disintegration of my mom. Being there for both of them through surgeries and recovery. Holding my dad's hand when my older brother died from cancer while they were still estranged. It was during these times I witnessed my parents at their most vulnerable and caught what I think is a glimpse of who they were before me.

My dad has been in and out of the hospital in the last month and recently someone asked me, "How can you take care of a parent who never took care of you?" It's a valid question it's just not an easy answer. I am not sure that I can explain it, but I will try...here is what I know. 1. We do not get to pick our parents. So, I do not belabor the point. Like I tell students every time I pass out popsicles - you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit. 2. I want to live by the Platinum rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated, No matter how they are acting! 3. It is important for me to live my integrity, truth, and values. I believe taking care of your parents is fundamental. and I guess I know firsthand 4. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato.

It is an undeniable fact - I was an extremely difficult child. I didn't sleep over 2 hours in a 24 hour period until I was 3 years old. I screamed constantly. I was inconsolable. I was child #3. I was hyper and clingy and anxious. And I was (am) and asshole when I'm anxious. I have two older siblings and when I was four mom got pregnant which could not have been easy because little did she know she was having twins. Dad was self-employed and sold Real Estate to keep us all fed so he was always working and rarely home. At 52 years old with only 2 children I can give them both grace that they did the best they could! It sounds massively overwhelming considering all the other things we all know about married life. In-laws, siblings, birthdays, holidays, their own parents, sports, school functions, homework, broken arms, stitches, bills, etc, etc, etc....

They did the best they could. They gave me what they had to give. The atmosphere may not have been perfect but I had dance lessons, new clothes, vacations, over the top Christmases, boats, snowmobiles, cousins, and all 4 grandparents. Now, as an adult I have a choice to make be angry and resentful for I didn't get or go find it myself. My toolbox was pretty inadequate. I use the analogy that I had metric tools for a US system but there were some good tools in there. Loyalty, hard work, acts of service, contribute to your community, and love your family. Both Grandfathers were entrepreneurs. Both served their community, one as County Auditor-one as president of the Kawanis, and both as members of the church. My grandmothers were also forces to be reckoned were just as respected in the community and even more by their families.

As I said there's no easy answer. Like life and people, it's complicated. I am grateful for what they gave, sacrificed, and did. And I grateful for all of the opportunities and people along the way that showed me what was possible. Maybe now I can be there for them in the ways I wish could have been for me. 

Where are you TED??

 As my boys got older, busier, bigger it got harder and harder to find time to write ab out all their antics, angst, and anti-parentalness. Along with it came taking on helping my parents, more and more every year.

What a ride! I have wanted for quite a while now to sit down and think about those times and tell the stories they will want to hear in 20 years. Or more importantly the stories they partners and kids will want to hear. The hardest part about this time is that taking care of others - all others - leaves me with very few memories.

My boys made it through junior high and high school so there is that! 

My oldest made his mark in junior high by winning the American Legions Citizenship Award, the basketball team, and playing the Bari Saxaphone particularly in the jazz band. He solidified his love for running and debated soccer or Cross Country in high school but never questioned his place in the marching band. In high school he tried out for the Honor Band his freshman year and when he failed brilliantly vowed to work as hard as it took to get the honored seat. Which he did twice, however Covid messed up the first year. Covid, as well as building construction, made my oldest son's high school experience a minefield. He navigated all of the extra curriculars; soccer, track, marching/concert/jazz band, Hope Squad, AP classes, no friend group, and only one girlfriend that ended in disaster - with his own brand of overthinking, overworking, and OCD.

My youngest son struggled to follow in his brothers' footsteps finally finding his own footing. He would not choose cross country either but knew immediately band was not for him. He would gladly take a leadership role but seeing as he was the son who was determined to speak truth to power, he was rarely gifted those roles. He also wasn't gifted the coveted basketball spots in junior high school because as my neighbor liked to say - "you can't teach tall". Soccer didn't go much better in high school because the coach wanted a clone of his brother and was not sure what to do with the opposite. Also the whole speaking up thing wasn't on the list of characteristics the coach appreciated. He wasn't concerned with the honor roll, or AP classes, or service organizations. And no amount of screaming on my part made him concerned with getting a job either! This child created a whole new meaning of the word Strong Willed Child.

One thing I can say about both of my boys throughout junior high and high school. They were kind. They went out of their way to take care of and stand up for students whether it was special needs or special circumstances. They were respectful. Not just to authority to everyone. They were not afraid of standing alone. Neither of them really had any solid friends or friend groups during high school. They didn't drink or date and it was their choice not our rules. They hung out with us as we had dinners together and long conversations around the table. We watched movies some of them again, and again, and again! The summer of Battleship 15 times and AC/DC on repeat.

If you asked me during this time what I most wanted to do I would tell you honestly, Hang out with my kids. I still would! I am amazed, proud, in love with the men they are becoming. I always learn something new when we talk. They are truly 2 of my most favorite people on earth. I could not be more proud of who they are but that is not taking credit for it because I don't believe I have that much power. I am making a pledge to sit down more often and continue to chronicle, my original plan, their childhood, adolescence, and beyond in the best way that I can....writing.