Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Forever Ours

Quincy - Forever Ours
Even for the little while, you were small but mighty.
The squirrels are all yours now girl - go gett'um

This was the second December in a row we had a terribly hard decision to make. Our beautiful dog Quincy was suffering greatly from bad disks in her back. Last Christmas we literally had hours to make a decision about whether to spend $4000 on surgery or $300 to put her down.

We choose the surgery, and the bills, and the care, and our beautiful dog. And we were so glad that we did. She recovered quickly and we took it easy but come Spring time she was ready, itching, and raring to go. And she did!!

But we noticed in November the signs we may have missed the last time warning that there was  an impending problem. We immediately took her to the vet. We tried several rounds of steroids and kenneling. She responded pretty well the first round, but still seemed to be in pain. The second and the third time just seemed to be putting a band-aid on broken back.

She was suffering, she was in pain, she wasn't living a life any of us would want for someone we love. It was the hardest decision we have ever had to make.  And yesterday was the hardest thing I hope I have ever done.

But I'm a new person, right? 4.0! Not the 70's me, or especially the 80's me (not a good version- too much hair), or even enlightened 90's me. This is 4.0, Well 4.5 actually but stop counting!

Only yesterday I wasn't. Yesterday ripped away all the hard work I've done to change my feelings, beliefs, reactions. Yesterday I was stripped down to the DOS version and left to function.  I was left confused, stunned, helpless to make sense of anything. And scared. So scared. The only familiar part of the DOS version is the panic. I'm in panic mode.

I've been lying awake most of the night asking Why? Why? What if? and begging for help. And this last time that I was jolted awake I didn't hear Why? I heard Because - It's time you put your money where your mouth is. It's time to walk the walk. Your faith is being tested....and you are trying to fail.

I asked for Angels - am I being guided by Steve Jobs? "Back out of DOS - you have Windows 10 fool. Use it! Look at the technology that I have created, for goodness sake you have iOS 8 on your phone. Don't go backwards kiddo, don't look back. Remember your goal,"

Remember my goal.

Yesterday was a test of faith, and I am trying to fail. I do not accept failure anymore, because I know that I do not have to. I am bigger, badder, and stronger and I worked too damn hard for it. I fought kicking and screaming for those changes in each version.  And 4.0 was the baddest. I said hearing you have Cancer was no big deal, and physically it wasn't - but mentally it was hell. Waking up in the middle of the night questioning everything I thought about death.

Today is a test of faith. Everyday is a test of faith - just not on this level. And I wasn't doing quality testing. I was getting lazy.  Well, as my Angel guide Steve Jobs would say:

"Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations."

Well then, time to get on improving on Me 4.6. Goodness knows I need to be ready in time for Christmas.

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