Did I just say that?

It is amazing, after becoming a parent the things that have come out of my mouth. Some are all too familiar because they are lines used by my parents and some just make you stop and think, Did I really just say that?

Most of these instances are in response to something that your child has just done or said to you, that you can not quite believe. We have quite a few examples...

When my seven year-old son got into the basement refrigerator on a hot day and told his brother to shut the door. He didn't know the light would go off, and that he would be stuck. Thank God I was standing five feet away and heard the screaming and had to say, "Don't ever get inside a refrigerator."

The boys used to take a bath together and always had quite a good time. It's just that the seven year-old is very big for his age and takes up the whole tub so we had to stop. Also after the night that I ran to get something off the stove that I was burning/cooking and came back to find the little one with his penis stuck in a toy ship. That night I had to say, "You only get one of these boys, better take really good care of it. That means don't stick it in anything you can't get it out of."

My husband later explained to me that a penis is not like a cat. Cats will not go in anywhere that their head doesn't fit because they know they can't get out. A penis however will 1. go absolutely anywhere and 2. sometimes goes in much smaller than it comes out.....I now see the error of that last part about where they can stick it.

That didn't come out right either, I think I should stop while I'm a head. Wait, I didn't mean that either. I gotta go now.

The big yellow monster

"After the boys of summer have gone..."

School has begun. As one woman said to me through her own tears the other day, I hate that big yellow monster that takes my children away.

If you read my blog regularly you are probably expecting me to sing, "It's the most wonderful time of the year" or "Hallelujah" But you are wrong.

I know that I started this blog so that I could rant and rave the frustration of being a stay-at-home mom on someone other than my children. And it has really helped ease the sometimes mundane and crazy life that it Motherhood.

The truth is I would not trade it for the world. I know that I am extremely lucky to have these two beautiful and healthy children. There are so many parts of motherhood that no one can explain, that sound ridiculous when you don't have children that age, that suddenly make so much sense.

When I was pregnant with my second, I was struggling with a two and half year old and a tough pregnancy. We took off for the park that morning that school started and I passed the bus stops in the neighborhood. One mother said as she put the kindergartner on the bus, "I hate not knowing what she'll be doing all day and who is going to influence her." All I could think was, "I'd give my left eye right now for someone to take him for 4 hours so that I can go back to bed!"

But I wasn't there yet, so far from it. When you are in the trenches, the baby/toddler years, you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Before you know it you can come up for air and it can be so beautiful. Then that big yellow monster comes to take them away.

I do not have control over what he does, or who influences him, I can not protect him, or comfort him. But I've done the best I can. We've moved into a fantastic school district where I don't worry about his safety, education, or his teachers. I have been home with him and still am the only one to put him on and get him off the bus, take him to soccer, and get to every meeting.

Next year, that big yellow monster is going to try to take my baby. But I will be ready! Locked and Loaded, I live in the Midwest for goodness sakes, their not getting them both!

Teach your children well....

So we've been quite busy lately what with all the traveling. An unexpected trip to see my sister and her children was wonderfully welcome, and also daunting. I think perhaps I may have blogged something about that trip - with my parents. For the most part it went as well as could be expected.

Having a mid-day melt-down is usually understandable, tolerable, expected even. But having it in a car with my father, anywhere near my father, NOT OK.

My little guy works so hard to be all the four-year-old he can be. One minute he loves you , the next minute your stupid. He listens, he ignores, he holds your hand, he screams don't touch me, he wants chicken nuggets, he wants a doughnut, he is happy, he is down right mad. He is 4!

The curious part is that we require him to hold it together better than we can ourselves. For example, my husband driving home from vacation was an absolute mess. Every minute of the 11 hour journey he was asking where we were and what was next and when we did make two wrong turns (both of which he was responsible for seeing as he was driving) the rest of us just ducked for cover.

So why does he find it odd that when we tell the four-year-old we are doing one thing and then switch gears he falls apart? My husband handles adversity so well, screaming and ranting for hours and telling the children to pee in a cup because "I'm not stopping again we're late!" How can you be late on vacation?

I am by no means making this one sided. I'm the stay-at-home parent. They are with me all day and I am ready to admit that I throw a darn good fit once in awhile. But I think one of the most important things that I've learned as a parent, is that I'm always learning as a parent.

There was no manual and in order to get this thing right I have to be able to learn something new about myself everyday. And there is no better mirror to reflect yourself then your children. It's just no fun when it is at a family event where your four-year-old says, "Let's cut the @#%$& cake!" I'll take credit for that one.

Multi-tasking, Smulti-tasking!

Multi-tasking became the buzz word right out of college. I used it in my cover letters, resume, interviews, I was all over it. And there were days when I felt I actually did multi-task well.

Now that I have children, not so much. I can't walk from one floor of the house to the next without forgetting why I am there, let alone complete two separate tasks at once. There is just no way.

I am left to believe that my days of multi-tasking are a distant memory, along with last minute concerts, late night dinners, and car trips where my husband and I just talked. Multi-tasking is a thing of youth or women without children.

It is no longer possible for me to keep a grocery list of four items in my head especially if I get to go to the store by myself. I am so giddy at actually being out of the house alone that I get distracted by all the pretty colors. Did you know they sell flowers and Starbucks at the Grocery now!

Sometimes when I get out of the house by myself I get lost in the radio, or thought, or scenery and have found myself not at the store- but twenty miles away from home lost in the boon docks and wondering, What the hell did I leave the house for?

Eat this not THAT!

As mother's we've all said countless times, Don't eat that! Meaning- please do not put the mulch in your mouth, or the dog poop, or the lollipop that just fell on to the floor - at Super Cuts!

But yet we feel free to feed our family food that past the expiration date but smells just fine. Leftovers that Martha Stewart would not recommend feeding to the dog because we don't feel like cooking, again.

Recently, my mother and I were cleaning out her refrigerator and came across cream cheese, two in fact, one that expired in 09 and one in January of 2010. We were dumbfounded, but curious. So we opened them up and they looked fine, smelled fine, tasted fine. Did we throw them away in disgust because they were really really old? Heck No!

With a gleam in our eye we both started listing all the things we could make, so as not to "waste them". And we did!! I made cream cheese and salsa dip and mom made Blonde Brownies. Both of which we not only served to our family that night, we helped to scarf down with out one ounce of regret.

I'm still here aren't I! Tums anyone?