Oh Boy, Boys!

I am one of these people that likes to get my children in bed by 8:oo p.m. It helps when it actually happens because my husband is not usually home until 8:30 p.m. So it gives me time to clean up our dinner mess, and start his.

The dishes are never done after dinner because after we eat we do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get their willies out before bed. When it is still light out it's easy, now that it is dark at 5:30 p.m. I have to be a little more creative.

Tonight we went for a flashlight walk. It's a beautiful fall evening, the temperature is cool the breeze is crisp and the leaves are still falling. So off we go. The six-year-old is dressed in a black stocking cap, black hoodie, and black pants so he decides to play ninja. He runs off ahead of us with the flashlight off hiding behind bushes and trees and throwing himself to the ground when ever he sees headlights.

The three-year-old is dressed up in a Tigger costume. He's walking beside me holding my hand and shining his flashlight all over; up, down, mostly in my eyes. he wasn't exactly sure he would like this "fwashwight wok" because it would be too scary. Good thing the six-year-old keeps jumping out at us from behind things.

After a couple of houses the six-year-old is in the lead and giving us military hand signals his father taught him. (I'm afraid to ask why.) So when he puts up a fist we stop, when he puts up his hand we ready, and when he signals we go. Tigger is no longer scared and thinks this is fun, until he makes us stop about every three feet and hit the ground 15 times for headlights. Tigger has lost interest and I think I hurt my back.

I can't imagine what the neighbors where thinking. This had to be hysterical to watch from a passing car or a living room window. Tigger wondering along shining the flashlight all over, Ninja falling to the ground every three feet and playing dead. I started to giggle wondering if anyone else I know has these experiences.

As I'm walking, thinking, and giggling Tigger runs into Ninja whose standing in the middle of the sidewalk giving us the stop signal. Ninja rebukes his brother and tells him to watch for the signals. Tigger is no longer playing along. The next time Ninja stops Tigger runs into him on purpose. Then they think they hear a monster so Ninja says, "Stay here I'll do recon." Just what does my husband play with these boys?

Tigger is giggling too hard to follow instructions and just wants to follow. Ninja is getting mad. He is giving hand signals and Tigger just keeps running into him and giggling. Now I'm giggling. Ninja is now really mad and furiously letting hand signals fly - now I do know where he gets that. Ninja hits the ground Tigger trips over him - -one is screaming, one is crying - and I think I just peed my pants. I love my boys.

Dogfish

We go to the Library every week. Friday is our Library day. The kids can play computer games (because half the time our computer isn't working) we read books to decide what to get, we choose movies, look at magazines, get new music; We love the Library.

A couple of weeks ago we came across a book called "Dogfish". It was a beautiful book about a boy who REALLY wants a dog, but has a goldfish. The illustrations are clean and modern and the story is very clever. Ultimately his mother says something like, Instead of wanting what you can't have, why don't you try wanting what you do have. To which the boy replies, "She is always saying things like that." Love that kid.

After a long week with a very sick three-year-old I was looking forward to a little help on Sunday from my husband and some time to read my latest book. My husband obviously had something else on his mind. It seems Rachel Ray was not the only person with Sex on the brain all last week. At 6:00 p.m. while I am cleaning up dinner he says to me, "Do you have plans tonight?"

Why, yes. Thanks for asking! First I'm heading to dinner with Linda, then we'll pick up Julie for a night of drinking, clubbing, and girl talk. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!

What ensued after I finally got the boys to bed was a lengthy discussion about how I'm never in the mood, I never hug and kiss him, he does all the work - I'll just stop there because 90% of the women I know are all rolling their eyes and sighing right now.

While he was talking, all I could think of was Dogfish. I don't know that he would have made the connection because he's very literal. I can just hear him, "What do you mean Tree'sha? I did not ask you for a dog!"

Needless to say we had a long talk last night about wanting what you want, and wanting what you got - and this is all I got baby!

Happily ever after...After What?

So after two nights of sleeping with a sick kid I was once again laying on the couch watching Rachel Ray and saw a woman blissfully happy, which was bad enough. But she wasn't happy because she has more money than Oprah, she was just happy being a wife and a mother. Really?

I had to call my girlfriend Amy, "Did you see that!?"
Amy -"No. I went to a MOPS meeting." (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers)
Me - "Nice."
Amy - "But we where discussing who thought marriage lived up to all their expectations, who really had happily ever after."
Me - "Heavy topic for a 2-year-old's playdate isn't it?"
Amy - "Why-"
Me - "Don't answer that. Is this mom's group any better than the other one? Or are you still calling people by their potluck dishes?"
Amy - "It was just that one lady, Black bean and corn salsa! Oh yeah, and tofu hot dogs, and chocolate cake lady! Stop it I'm starting to feel bad."
Me - "So what's your take on Leave it to Beaver lady? I think she's on drugs, good ones. I want some."
Amy - "I think that when I got married I really felt so in love with Mathew that I thought we could conquer anything together."
Me - "Stop it now I'm starting to feel bad. She said she's never grumpy."
Amy - "She definitely has drugs."
Me - "She said she gives her husband sex whenever he wants it."
Amy - "Oh, yeah, she has the good ones."

Why is it some women have all the luck - Names have not been changed for anonymity. Sorry Amy I was just too tired.

Balance this!

Rachel Ray has changed time slots in this area and she is now on at 2:00 p.m. Which is nap time - for me usually. At least I sit down on the couch and begin to moan and groan about figuring out what to make for dinner. Anywho...

Yesterday she had Riki Lake and other moms on her show dishing about motherhood. The general sentiment all around was that we all have the same gripes and so do our husbands. Sex. They talked about not feeling sexy, being too tired, doing it anyway, blah, blah, blah. And then one woman piped up and said, "After some of the things that come out of my husbands mouth I don't want his tongue anywhere near me!" THANK YOU!

I have been saying this to my husband for 6 years now - Watch your mouth. You can not come home spewing (no pun intended) nastiness because you had a "bad day" and then ask for sex. You've ruined it for like a week. I am a woman, stewing is in my DNA. I'll have to complain about you to at least two friends and my sister before I can let it go and by that time you've done it again, twice! Now your looking at next month pal, wanna go for two?

Then someone mentioned finding balance, that it was all about balance this same woman (I really liked her) said, "Balance is BS!" YES! How do you have balance when you stay at home with your kids because you are never without your kids? Not in bed, not in the bathroom, not in closet where you've stashed all their Halloween candy.

I was in a Mom's group when my first son was born and a woman whose husband traveled a lot said she would hire a babysitter on Sunday morning, take the paper, and go out to breakfast by herself. O.k. if I had the money - I'd send the kids to a babysitter, send my husband to a hooker, and curl up in bed by 7:30 p.m.!

TMI?

Halloween is here and Gone, but the candy lingers on...

Ah, All Hallows eve is behind us for another year. It was a beautiful night for Trick or Treating - if you were Trick or Treating. There are parts of the country that celebrate the week before, only on a Wednesday, etc... To me that's silly - isn't Halloween October 31st?


There was a fantastic full moon, the temperature was cold but not freezing so you needed your long johns, I love that! The chili was hot, the air was cold, and the kids were dressed without incident. My three-year-old had changed his mind about 14 times regarding the costume so I was just waiting for a last minute melt down like needing the six-year-old's costume that is 5 sizes too big.

We ended up in a rather large troop of parents and children trekking through the neighborhood and with various ages and abilities we sort of took up half a city block. The older and faster kids were in the lead with my husband (when he wasn't talking). A majority of the kids were in between us with two separate parents - in two separate groups. Now I am not going to make any judgements (cat fight) but I do suspect that there was a reason for the gap between them. Then myself and a friend were at the rear with her daughter who has challenges keeping up - but that might be her only challenge. She has more moxy and personality in her little finger than most adults I meet.

I think it was a very successful Halloween - especially since there are lots of little orange packages for mommy. My children know anything that says Reece's is mine! There is a lot of candy left over, even for me. My three-year-old can't have chocolate so that goes straight into a batch of cookies. I can only make so many cookies, we only need so much for a Christmas stocking - so what do you do with the rest? Dentists are buying it up to send to the troops which seems wonderful, but I've heard that it is almost impossible to get a package through military customs. Do they really want my kids miscellaneous Halloween candy?

My husband is a Kids Fitness Director/Personal Trainer so this Holiday really is a nightmare for him. Every year he campaigns for giving out pencils, toys, or fruit. Thank God no one pays attention to him. Thank God he never reads this! But he does stress out of the candy and starts nagging me to throw it all away on Halloween night. He nags about a lot of things - not to worry, I have lots of hiding places.

I'm Baaacckkk!

It is exactly one month since the last time that we were able to turn the computer on and it worked. Meanwhile, I have spent countless hours on this silly machine. I have tried tech support at Microsoft, drug it to a "Geek" shop, and threatened it with replacement. My husband was finally on board to buy a new one and then the appointment happened.

The appointment that I dread more than a yearly visit to the Down Under Dr. - the Dentist. Dentist's hold particular angst for me due to an experience when I was three with thirteen cavities and a Dentist I referred to as Dr. Bombay. (Yes, I am a huge Bewitched fan.) I had almost gotten over my dental fear when we ran out of dental insurance. THE FEAR IS BACK.

Children need to see the Dentist starting at age three. So my son that turned three in March - was due for a first visit and my six-year-old and I haven't been back in over a year. ALL three of us went to the Dentist last Friday. If I could rate the dental experience on a scale of one to ten I guess I'd say it was a 7. The overall experience was a 2!

First of all I took the earliest appointment against my better judgement so that the six-year-old wouldn't miss too much school. We actually got there by 8:30 - a.m.!! I prepped the three-year-old who was looking forward to prizes and had asked, "How much will this cost?" so that I thought I was totally prepared. To use the words of that silver tongue sage my father, "Wrong Buzzard Breath".

We were there for two hours, they made the six-year-old go first and get X-rays. They found two cavities and want to seal all four of his six-year molars and I have a cracked tooth. $407 later I stood in the lobby in tears telling them I'd call when I was ready to schedule the rest.

Why, you ask, was a grown woman crying over cracked teeth? They told me that it would only take an hour. They told me that I would go first so the boys could watch. They told me no one needed X-rays. They told me it would cost $199. I feel sooo violated.

So you see, I gave up on the new computer that day. My husband came home for lunch and found me still sobbing at the kitchen table. He called a friend and asked him if he knew anything about computers and he said, "Enough to be dangerous, why?" Three days later our computer which they said was toast is fixed with a CD/DVD burner installed! Efharisto and Sagapo Lee!
Don't worry, it's all Greek to me too.