Friday, April 19, 2013

Something funny - finally.

I can hear you all now - THANK GOODNESS!!
It's about time she cheer up we were going to send in the Prozac.

Yeah, well, I tried that too.  Long story. Anyway time to get back to the good stuff.  My screw-ups.

My ten year-old son is getting ready to start the Health Lesson on Puberty.  I think he has secretly waited all year for this.  There is an air of curiosity and anxiety around it now that it's here.  The good thing is he feels comfortable enough to ask me questions about it, the bad part is my answers suck.

The other night I went to tuck him in and say good night but he had questions.  Ok. The conversation turns to why? Gee, I wonder where he gets that? Why do we have hormones, why does he need them, what are they really going to do to him?

So not being prepared for these questions has never stopped this motor mouth mother before so I dive right in. Well everyone has hormones. They are around from our caveman days and we need them for our Flight or Fight response so that we could get away from the saber tooth tigers that wanted to eat us.  The hormones that you are going to talk about are the ones that are kicking in because cavemen were lucky to get to live to 25 maybe 30 years old.  So if they were still alive by age 10 their bodies started to change, their voice got deeper, they grew more hair everywhere.  They moved into manhood ready to fight the saber tooth tigers.

My son just stared at me blankly.  Ok. Well confusion works too at least I can watch the full episode of Modern Family.  Then he responds with, "Mom I know what all of this is really about. S-E-X."

Oh @$^)*! The kid is way smarter than me.  But I'm already in deep, so I stick with my story.  I told him he was right, this did have something to do with sex.  You see, for those of the rest of you that did not get the caveman talk from your parents listen closely you might learn something.

I explained that the caveman, who were lucky enough to make it through childhood and even get to puberty, were then even more lucky to make it to manhood.  So after their voice changed, and they grew hair all over their bodies, they had another surge of hormones.  This time it was to tell their bodies it was time to reproduce because they may not have a lot of time before that saber tooth tiger eats them.  I told him that during this time his body, which still thinks he is a caveman would  be telling him to have sex all the time.  But he had to tell his body - No.  I'm not a caveman I have plenty of time to reproduce because I won't be eaten by a saber tooth tiger.

My son still looking at me blankly says, "I mean they are separating us for the lesson mom by S-E-X.  Boys versus Girls."

Ok. Glad that went well. By the way, anyone know anything about the birds or bees? I didn't know they studied that in 4th grade too?

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