As my mom lay in the hospital again, the Alzheimer's ravishing the last of her brain I sat staring at the monitors listening to beeps and wondering - What was my mom like as a toddler? As hard as she fought this disease, as stubborn as she was, and the sarcasm! What in the world was she like as a child?!
I lay my head back against the chair and closed my eyes picturing a toddler with the wit and wisdom of an old woman giving everyone the What For as I drifted off to sleep.
I was aware of being in a house but could not for the life of me figure out what house I was in. It looked like it had not been updated in 80 years. There was knotty pine paneling on the walls, a large stone fireplace with a huge mantel, and a picture of a pastural scene. The couch was a low sleek design covered in black and white fabric with what looked like the Chevrolet symbol. Identical chairs flanked the couch and a long low coffee table sat in front of all of it.
As I scanned the room again looking for a real clue to where I was I heard the clicking of high heels. I noticed the floors here were tile butting against wood floors in the next room. Maybe seeing someone would give me an idea of where I was.
Then my grandmother appeared. Seeming to be in her 30's she was dressed impeccably not a hair out of place with an apron wrapped around her waist. I was in awe, in love, and heartsick. Seeing her again was amazing but knowing I couldn't hug her to sit down and tell her all that was in my heart was hard.
Just then another woman walked into the room silently. Her shoes, it seemed, were made of much sturdier stuff. She was very plainly dressed in a shapeless gray dress, her hair pulled tightly back in a bun at the base of her neck and not a lick of make-up on.
"Mrs. Kerns, I believe that Barbie is up from her nap if she ever had one. I can hear her talking a mile a minute. Should I fetch her before I get the laundry?"
"No that's alright I will go look in on her and the baby."
Who called my mom Barbie? Grandma left the room and returned with a 4 year old Barbe on her hip. It was incredible to see this child, while I knew it was my mom, she didn't yet have the features that I have memorized as my mother.
"Barbara Cheryl if you don't take a nap you won't grow big and strong" my grandmother chastised as she put her on the rug with a small toy baby doll.
"I big and strong enough" my mom retorted and I had to laugh. This is exactly how I imagined my mother would be as a toddler. Sassy. Feisty. Full of it, whatever "it" is. Mom toddled right past the doll and straight toward the fireplace. She almost had the fire poker in her hand when my grandmother proclaimed "Barbara Cheryl you will be the death of me!"
With a look I haven't seen in many years but know very well my mother turned and glared her mother. Then she pulled the fire poker out anyway and used it to push some logs off the hearth onto the floor. Just then the large nondescript woman in gray came back in and saw the results and said calmly "Well Barbie I see you would like to help me build a fire?"
My mother looked at this woman with so much love and affection in that moment, she dropped the fire poker and quickly toddled over to her enthusiastically.
"Me do! Me Do!"
"Ok Barbie you can do it right after we take care of this laundry, come help me in the kitchen an maybe I can find you a snack."
"SNACK!" my mother squealed as she ran to the woman and clung to her legs.
"Oh, Mary Agnus if you keep feeding her between meals she is going to be as big as a house."
"I have some nice apples from the tree outside my back door. You know what they say, an apple a day." My grandmother heaved a heavy sigh and checked her watch. Then she quickly tore off the apron around her waist.
"I'm going to be late for Bridge at Gert's house. You have the telephone number if you need anything. I will pick the girls up from school since I will be in town. Do you need anything from the store?"
"No ma'am. I will get dinner in the oven right directly."
"Thank you Mary Agnus, your a Dear."
I listened to the clacking of my grandmothers heels knowing those would become a distant memory for her in the next 20 years as arthritis destroyed every joint in her body, but the perfect hair and every present Sally Hanson pink lipstick and nails would stay until the day she died. MaryEllen Kerns was the epitome of a Lady and my favorite person on earth.
The older woman bent wearily, scooped up my mom and began to bounce her.
"Trot trot to Boston. Trot trot to Linn. Look out Barbie you might fall INNNN!" and she plopped her on top of the laundry basket.
"Would you like a ride Barbie?" she asked with mischief in her eyes and my mother squealed again with glee.
Off they went into the kitchen. This was once again a room right out of Better Homes and Gardens 1948 complete with an apple pie cooling in the window sill.
"Snack?!" my mother bellowed from her perch in the laundry basket.
"Now, you must'n tell anyone else", the woman whispered bending close to mom who leaned in and listened intently, "but there is always a little bit of pie crust left over and I can't waste it, that would be a sin. So I made you a bitty hand pie all your own. There is apples in it so I didn't fib."
"Me pie! Me pie!" mom sang as she waved her hands in the air.
Mary Agnus lifted her out of the laundry basket and placed her in a high chair. She put the little apple turnover in front of her and mom ate greedily.
"There is nothing wrong with eating Barbie you remember that and some of the best people I know are big as a house." I don't think my mom heard a word over the chewing as she devoured the secret snack. Knowing that my mother would live the next 70 years of her life battling an eating disorder, her weight, and her self-image I wish she could have truly heard this.
The woman knew her way around this kitchen pulling out an ironing board and iron while also getting a large cut of meat out of the refrigerator. When the iron was hot the woman proceeded to iron every single thing in that laundry basket including the underwear. I had only heard about this type of thing in my life time.
"Will you help me with these chores Barbie?"
"Chores!" my mom squealed as if she was chosen for to win a prize.
The woman wiped down a very sticky Barbie and handing her a spray bottle moved the high chair closer to her ironing board. She would point and mom would spray water on the clothing she was ironing. Mom chattered away the entire time. Talking about baby and sissies which took me a minute and then I realized her older sisters would have been at school right now and Uncle Chris would have been a baby. In between talking she would start a random nursery rhyme or song and the woman keep up with all of it while pointing and ironing.
after they finished she deposited all the laundry back into the basket and turned to the large cut of meat on the counter.
"Me help to!" my mother squawked and the woman took her out of the high chair and set her on the counter. She trimmed some fat and then placed the meat in a large roasting pan that looked oddly familiar but far to clean to be the same one my mother used all my life. Then she took out some carrots and potatoes and gave my mom a dish rag. What is she going to do I thought?
"Barbie you have to clean those vegetables real good before we eat them. Make um' shine."
The she proceeded to peel some carrots, potatoes, and onion and put them all in the roaster with salt and pepper. All the while asking Barbie questions.
"What sound does that there Moo Cow make?"
"Mmmoooooooo!" my mom would recite.
"What sound does that there kitty cat make?"
"Meooooooowwwww."
After they finished in the kitchen, they made their way to the other side of the house where she put some of the clothes away and then held her finger to her mouth.
"Be very quiet Barbie we need to look in on the baby." My mother mimicked the gesture and loudly said, "Shhhhhhhhh." The woman smiled and patted her head.
They went into a small room with just a crib and a rocker. The minute they stepped inside my mom said in a stage whisper "Is Cwrisafer sleeping?" The woman nodded her head shhing Barbie once again. They walked out and she said still whispering "when the baby is sleeping we have to be real quiet."
"I quiet!" Barbie huffed with a glare and hands on her hips.
"Let's go out side and clean some string beans for dinner." The chatter never ceased all the way.
"What this? Why you do that? I do- I do. Me play outside. Let's go. Where is doggie? Doggie! Doggie! Where is Connie and Jackie? Why they no here? I wanna play outside." The woman was unphased an answered every third or fourth question and always referring to my mom as Barbie.
She took my mother outside and deposited her on the ground. For a moment I was startled and then I realized this was possibly a sand box. It was not big and there were no toys in it but my mother immediately started to push and pull at the dirt making noises, talking, calling out to the woman from time to time. She sat on an old wooden chair snipping the ends off of a large pot of green beans smiling and humming.
Then I heard a beeping sound so out of place and I looked all over trying to find it....Trisha? Trisha?
I blinked open my eyes realizing I was still at the hospital next to my mother's bedside. The nurse was asking if she could get me anything.
All I could do was shake my head and smile politely because I still felt a million miles away. I had wondered what my mom was like when she was 4 years old and I had been disappointed.
