I haven't found time to sit down and write about my sons misadventures, milestones, and memories for quite a while. I would like to blame work, life, or my husband. But the reality is, it was easier not to. Sitting down and writing is hard and I stopped doing the hard stuff.
I told myself I WAS doing the hard stuff. Raising kids, working part-time, surviving a pandemic, taking care of aging parents. But that was not the reality. It was just to hard. My sons's did not stop growing and making memories....I just stopped writing them down.
I don't think I have written about my oldest son since he was in Junior High. He is most like me. He struggled with Junior High and High School, his first girlfriend, and perfectionism. Covid was horrible for him. All the hard work he had been putting into music was paying off RIGHT when the world shut down. The rug was pulled so far out from underneath him I am not sure if it will ever go back.
He is currently at University studying and playing music and still a perfectionist. He may have a girlfriend but he is certainly not telling us, so my husband told him it is not official until we meet her. Such a Greek father! Honey, he may not speak up until the wedding -?!
My youngest son has chosen a University. One and done. We went, we looked, we're done. Now, the after Senior year world tour is a different story. He has said for three years he is going to go to spend time with family overseas after high school. Now he just has to plan it. Part of his plan is to see if he can workout or tryout with Football clubs there. Good on'ya Mate! As long as he is driving this bus. I can't do it for him, but I will cheer the loudest. Guaranted.
I'm frustrated with myself for not writing more down. The boys deserve better. I deserve better. As I watch my mother disintegrate from Dementia I am paralyzed. What if that is me??! Just like that New Year's Eve question- What if I wake up tomorrow and forget who I am? Who will tell me.....what would my boys remember?
Will they remember all the trips to the zoo, the library, the parks? Will they remember all the hours I volunteered in their classroom and on school trips? Will they remember all the homemade birthday cakes, Halloween costumes, celebratory meals? Will they remember the hours we spent in the car - driving everywhere! To soccer practice, soccer games, soccer tournaments, soccer parties! and to be fair also cross country, basketball, flag football, and even dance classes for a bit. Will they remember awards, concerts, ceremonies?
If holding onto memories requires reliving them over and over again. Who will they relive those memories with besides each other? We don't have family, they don't have friend groups. And of course my biggest worry, they are too much like me. The only memories they will have are of the anxiety, disappointment, and trauma.
There are two reasons I am angry at myself because ultimately I let myself down. I let Anxiety and depression win. I stopped writing and stopped reliving the moments to cement them in memories. That's all on me.
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