Christmas Wishes

My mom has Dementia. She no longer recognizes me or any of her kids for that matter. She doesn't work, cook, or drive and she can no longer do things that require following a process like showering or dressing. She can no longer write and reading is hit or miss. Conversation is difficult because it is to hard for her to keep track of and understand what people are talking about.

What's awful about watching my mom disintegrate from dementia is knowing who she was prior. How does this even happen? Someone who taught 3-4 grade, raised 5 children, obtained her Realtor and Broker's licences and then bought a Century 21 Franchise, volunteered in the community, planned, organized, and cooked for every family function with a minimum of 35 people! HOW?! why......

The worst part though - are the days when she knows. She knows something is wrong with her and it tears her apart. Last year on the drive down to Florida it hit her when we stopped for the night that she had 5 kids and didn't remember them. "What kind of a mother doesn't remember?" she cried over and over for hours. This year, she became somewhat lucid when we were talking with a service that provides Caregivers. She said "What is this? What am I doing wrong? Why are you trying to put me in a box? I know you are talking about me - and you don't need to. I'm fine!" Dad is currently her main caregiver and it is wearing on him. I can see him slipping, especially this trip to Florida. It is no longer an option to leave them all alone. They need help and I need the reassurance there is another set of eyes on them.

There are a lot of awful parts about this disease, but I think when she knows she doesn't know, that is the worst. Because she just keeps asking - "Why? Why is this happening to me?" and I really do not have an answer for that, no one does. It's the 10 Million Dollar question right?! How do we cure Alzheimer's?

As hard as some of the moments were this week, some were awesome. We spent two whole days in the car singing Christmas Carols! Every time we went out for a walk we sang "We're off to see the Wizard! The Wonderful Wizard of Oz." In stores or  crowds when she would get anxious about all the people she would say to me "I'm trying to walk like you!" and then I would march, or wiggle my bum, or wave my arms and say in my best Steve Martin voice "Walk this way". 

Because I don't know their neighborhood in Florida at all I used the GPS to get even a mile and a half down the road to the store. GPS has always made mom and I giggle uncontrollably and even more so now that she always talks back to it. Add to that the fact that driving around in Florida is a night mare and the GPS was constantly saying to us TURN RIGHT THEN TURN RIGHT AND STAY RIGHT Whenever mom would ask "where are we going?" I would just say - turning right. And we would both dissolve into a fit  of giggles. My dad is extremely hard of hearing and much of our amusement is talking to him, him not hearing us, us laughing that he can't hear us, then making fun of him, then suddenly him hearing everything we just said.

For all the hard stuff, and there is a LOT of hard stuff, I try to hold onto the good stuff. The fits of giggles. The moments of lucidity. The way she gets excited about the green grass and the "pinkies". (every flower she sees) The fact that when she gets turned around she will say "Whoopsie doodle I'm off my noodle!" As soon as I say "I love you" she will say, "I love you more." And no matter how long I stay she will tell me to ask my mom if I can stay longer. I always say "I will".

We are so lucky because Mom is healthy and for the most part mom is happy. She smiles, sings, and sweeps a lot. She loves dad, life, babies, bright colors, soft things. Being productive and active is still very important to her and her biggest source of frustration. It can also be our biggest source of frustration in trying to find things to engage and occupy her. Dad is doing the best he can for something so out of his wheelhouse. He knows how to go out and make money so that mom can go buy whatever she needs including help. He does not always know how to be that help. Just like it does not help to get frustrated with mom - it does not help to get frustrated with my dad. (It doesn't mean that I don't) My goal is provide the support they need for now.

As I sit in the airport waiting for my return flight home and reflecting on all of this there is a knot in my stomach. I hate having to leave because part of me feels like I am deserting them but it is time to get back to my family. And part of me is so incredibly grateful for this time with mom and dad, all the memories. I will cherish them. These are the priceless little gifts I will hold dear this Christmas. 

Make some Jello...

I may have told this story before, but when I was in college and stressing about writing lesson plans, and a paper, and other homework I was complaining to my mom. At the time I was at my mom's Alma Mater and also studying education. She told me to go to the kitchen and make some Jello. WHY?! I hate Jello? Mom said it's not about the Jello. It's about getting unstuck, doing something where you can see results and knowing you can accomplish something. Then sitting down to write one lesson plan doesn't seem so overwhelming. If you write one, you can write two, and before you know it you have written the unit lesson plans. Just go make the Jello.

My mom hasn't given me advice for a quite awhile. My mom has Alzheimer's. She no longer really knows who I am. Memories like this one make my heart hurt, a lot. Because there are still so many moments when I wish I could ask my mom how to navigate this new place or just hear I'm not crazy. Just menopausal.

I still talk to my mom almost every single day, but it's not the same. It used to be her listening to me go on and on about the kids, my husband, and soccer moms. Now, I listen to mom go on and on about...anything. Sometimes she strings her thoughts together and I can almost forget she doesn't know I'm her daughter. Other days I sit patiently listening to her struggle to speak, think of words, and talk in circles that make no sense.

Once in a while, she will say something that knocks the air our of my lungs and the tears out of my eyes. Sometimes she says something like, Go make some Jello. And those moments are like catching a glimpse of an old movie. For a moment she's there-right there with me-then she's gone again.

My boys don't remember Nanna with out Alzheimer's. They don't remember the Nanna who read to them, and played trains with them, gave them a bath, and tucked them in. There are pictures but no memories of the Nanna who ran a business and community fund drives and every family holiday. It breaks my heart that they will never get that experience when she is still right here. 

I remember asking my mom, why Jello? She said "I just liked it." I still hate Jello, but I always have some in the pantry. Because sometimes, I just have to just- Go make the Jello.

Not until I say so...

Both boys suddenly have friends, who are girls, that they spend time with, alone. My husband is ALL for it. But he made it very clear to the boys - they are not girlfriends until he gets to meet them. I love that my husband thinks he has this much control!!

The boys response - " ok dad, she's not my girlfriend". There's no argument at all. "Bring them to the house!" Again -"ok dad". They are not phased. Dad holds no threat to his boys that both now tower over him. I have to admit this is a great source of mirth for me.

Last weekend my oldest texted me at 4:30 pm. "Hey mom, Any dinner plans? Just wondered if you wanted me home at any certain time?" So I texted back "No plan yet. What are you thinking?" So he called me and I was out with a friend at the time. I said, "I haven't gone to the store yet - what are you thinking?" and that's when my son said, "Well I was thinking of bringing my friend home for dinner..." Absolutely!

My husband was SO excited. He went into cleaning mode. Most women can relate and what you are probably thinking of is a quick pick up and Lysol wipe down. Nope. This is when my husband does things like vaccuum the basement carpet, clean out the refrigerator, trim the bushes, or wash a car.  The other factor of my husband going into go mode - he yells at everyone else to help him.

So I got my son's call at 4:30. We planned to eat at 6:30 pm. I had not yet been to the store and my son's girlfriend has food allergies. OH - and remember I was out with a friend at the time. I left for the store at 5 pm with the charge to make dinner for 5 that was gluten free and tree nut free (essential!) and for my family diary free and meat free options.

Meanwhile my husband cleaned things, barked and snipped at my youngest son, a lot, took a shower and stood by the front door waiting for them to arrive. When they pulled up the whole neighborhood was alerted as my husband started yelling "THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE!" You have to love his enthusiasm.

We had a great dinner, I didn't send anyone into anaphylactic shock, and they hung out and talked with us for a while. My husband smiled all night long. My son's girlfriend is 6'tall. They are both in engineering and the marching band. They are both quiet, thoughtful, serious, kind, and probably more family oriented then friend centered. 

And now she is officially a girlfriend - according to my husband! My son's not big on labels.

Three Little Birds

When they hand over your child life changes, in many ways. The first is - you want every little thing...to be alright.  When things are not alright it's hard. Your heart and soul are screaming FIX IT!! Literally. Because your heart and soul are now outside your body. They are walking, talking, and living in a cruel cruel world. It is your mission to protect them.

My oldest son relived my exact experience on my first flight. On the first flight he would be able to remember his ear became inflamed causing severe pain upon descending. And then we had another flight to go. It was awful and there was nothing I could do.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I started to sing. Every little thing, is gonna be alright. Baby don't worry, about a thing. Cause every little thing, is gonna be alright.

Here is the thing. I knew that it wasn't going to be alright. Not for quite a while. But there was my heart and soul holding it's head, crying, terrified, and in pain. So I keep singing Baby don't worry! 'bout a ting. cuz every little ting, gonna be alright, mon.

For me, maybe not everyone, the hardest part of parenting is reliving all my childhood trauma. If I have to relive it all, at least I can help it turn out WAY better this time. What did I need to hear when I was a kid having panic attack after panic attack? I just needed to know Every little thing was going to be alright. Even if it wasn't, yet.

After that trip, I looked up the song not knowing the title is Three little birds. The verse not just the chorus are beautiful. If there was ever an anthem for positivity and gratitude this is it. 

Rise up this mornin'
Smiled with the risin' sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Saying', (this is my message to you)

Singing' don't worry 'bout a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singing' don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright

Even when maybe every little things isn't gonna be alright right this minute, what I know from life is - It will be. Tomorrow morning the sun will rise, the birds will sing, and at least one little thing will be all right. Never stop singing mon.

Facing your fears....

It is an absolutely gorgeous late fall day. It is 60 degrees, the sun is out, there is a lot of wind but being outside in shorts in the Midwest on November 6th! I'll take it. Ne excuse for not working out and for not getting in 500 words. New goal. 500 words  a day until the end of the year.

Face your Fears! Does not mean jumping out of an airplane, I'm not crazy! But it does mean do the stuff that is hard. Writing even when I want to pull the covers back over my head. Texting someone to see if they want to take a walk, asking my husband for a date, sitting down in front of a blank canvas. First world fears right?!

If I am writing this for my boys, then this is what I want them to know about fears. They never go away, just morph maybe? Human's biggest fear of all? Being alone. Truly alone, not 21st Century alone where you have TV, radio, 10 streaming services, iPad, and iPhone. That is anything but alone. The kind of alone where the only other person you can hear is in your head - YOU.

The people who say I can not mediate or I hate meditation. What they hate is hearing all the chatter of their mind. Their actual inner voice. Their deepest darkest wants, needs, desires, thoughts, and fears. That shit is scary. It is hard work to learn how to sit with yourself and not judge, just listen. Get curious. You can't not do it boys. Because here is what I learned way late in life. In order to fully give and receive love you have to be able to give and receive love - to yourself. Forgive the stupid shit you did, said, watched. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. Beating yourself up isn't discipline its dumbassery. How long would your friends stick around if you talked to them they way your talked to yourself???

All of us as humans could make a list of 100 things we fear. Not one of us would put "Myself" on that list. But that is ultimately what we are most afraid of - being alone, in our head, with our life movie on repeat. Reliving it over and over again...regrets, mistakes, F#@% ups. There is more though. If you learn to sit still, be still, get quiet, get curious, not judge, forgive, and talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. Then you can see the good stuff, the joyful stuff, the silly stuff. Then you can see yourself for who you are to the world.

This is why your parents, teachers, friends will say to you...I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

This used to be easier.....

I haven't found time to sit down and write about my sons misadventures, milestones, and memories for quite a while. I would like to blame work, life, or my husband. But the reality is, it was easier not to. Sitting down and writing is hard and I stopped doing the hard stuff.

I told myself I WAS doing the hard stuff. Raising kids, working part-time, surviving a pandemic, taking care of aging parents. But that was not the reality. It was just to hard. My sons's did not stop growing and making memories....I just stopped writing them down.

I don't think I have written about my oldest son since he was in Junior High. He is most like me. He struggled with Junior High and High School, his first girlfriend, and perfectionism. Covid was horrible for him. All the hard work he had been putting into music was paying off RIGHT when the world shut down. The rug was pulled so far out from underneath him I am not sure if it will ever go back.

He is currently at University studying and playing music and still a perfectionist. He may have a girlfriend but he is certainly not telling us, so my husband told him it is not official until we meet her. Such a Greek father! Honey, he may not speak up until the wedding -?!

My youngest son has chosen a University. One and done. We went, we looked, we're done. Now, the after Senior year world tour is a different story. He has said for three years he is going to go to spend time with family overseas after high school. Now he just has to plan it. Part of his plan is to see if he can workout or tryout with Football clubs there. Good on'ya Mate! As long as he is driving this bus. I can't do it for him, but I will cheer the loudest. Guaranted.

I'm frustrated with myself for not writing more down. The boys deserve better. I deserve better. As I watch my mother disintegrate from Dementia I am paralyzed. What if that is me??! Just like that New Year's Eve question- What if I wake up tomorrow and forget who I am? Who will tell me.....what would my boys remember?

Will they remember all the trips to the zoo, the library, the parks? Will they remember all the hours I volunteered in their classroom and on school trips? Will they remember all the homemade birthday cakes, Halloween costumes, celebratory meals? Will they remember the hours we spent in the car - driving everywhere! To soccer practice, soccer games, soccer tournaments, soccer parties! and to be fair also cross country, basketball, flag football, and even dance classes for a bit. Will they remember awards, concerts, ceremonies?

If holding onto memories requires reliving them over and over again. Who will they relive those memories with besides each other? We don't have family, they don't have friend groups. And of course my biggest worry, they are too much like me. The only memories they will have are of the anxiety, disappointment, and trauma.

There are two reasons I am angry at myself because ultimately I let myself down. I let Anxiety and depression win. I stopped writing and stopped reliving the moments to cement them in memories. That's all on me.

My poor kids!!!

 I am no better at keeping this up to date and giving my kids a written account of their childhood as I am taking pictures and giving them a photo account of their childhood - I suck!!!

My youngest is 16, lordie day,  soon to be 17. (where did the time go!) He is still set on getting into college as a D1 athlete and going into life a Professional Soccer player. Sigh.......but maybe I should go back a bit.

My youngest came out screaming and hasn't stopped. He knows what he wants and he can be relentless to get it whether it was a cookie right before dinner or a ForteNite game (thank god that phase is over), having a friend over or not taking AP classes. Tenacious! Except for studying, practicing, or working hard. Thus the reason we find ourselves where we are today. He only made Varsity soccer as a Junior and we have little to no playing time to prove it. Barely any AP classes and no extracurriculars to speak of. D1 college resume material - Zero, Zip, Zilch.

However we did make it to Cyprus last summer to see my husbands mom and family and if I had to choose someone to get delayed in a foreign country - it would be him! Because I know he would be totally OK, more than OK. Quite possibly he would end up Prime Minister before it was all over. He has charisma for days, can talk himself out of/or into anything, he is genuinely kind hearted, loving, and passionate. He is so passionate about fairness or maybe good versus evil. Turned in the right direction he and Pinky COULD TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

When this child started High School I thought for sure it would be about 5 minutes before he had a girlfriend or three. But seeing as he started HS in the midst of the Covid Pandemic he took social distance very seriously. No socializing seriously. It is hard for me to get to upset over it because the social scene has not changed since I went to HS and it is still all about drinking, getting high, and having sex. It does make me sad. It hurts my heart that neither of my kids have friends or a social life because they wanted something - different.

I am sure I am not the first parent less than satisfied with my performance. There is a list a mile long of what I wish I shoulda, woulda, coulda done better. But when my son wants to hang out with me, hugs me out of the blue, goes with me to help at the store, or talks to his Nanna or cousin Liam on the phone. I stop for one minute, take a deep breathe, say a prayer to my angels and wonder to myself - Did I get the big stuff right? 

When the boys were little I would say to them, "It's my job to keep you safe and make you a gentleman." I feel as a parent the most important job I have is teach them - show them the importance of Love. Life is all about love and that is WAY more complicated than it seems. On this journey these boys have taught me just as much about love as anyone or anything, my youngest has taught me the most.

I know I don't say it enough to him. I am so incredibly proud of the gentleman he is and the Gentleman to come. Whether the Premier League calls or not Damnit!!