How did I wake up 50 years old??

There are things I find that I can not explain to my kids. I can not explain how I woke up almost 50 years old.
I swear to you just yesterday I was in high school.  I was desperately trying to figure out how to keep my head above water and out of trouble.  College is a blur and their childhood - a short dream sequence.

How so I explain something I still do not understand myself? Is it really my job to teach my kids about life? Or are they here to teach me? Because there are days I know they are doing better than I am.

When did I get this old.....when did I become the "parent"?  Watching my parents age does make growing up any easier.  In fact the exact opposite. I used to say I wouldn't go back to high school for all the tea in china. (I don't know if tea comes from china or that was just another racist thing my grandparents said.) I would go back now if it meant that we could all go back.

It's not the lack of responsibility that I'm after, although that is a draw, it's not youth - oh to have my own boobs back though.  It's people. Grandma, Ma-ma, Aunt Leona, Mom. Maybe I am naive', maybe it's the naivete'!  One of grandma's saying that wasn't politically in correct was, "Youth is wasted on the young." (I know it wasn't her saying, I'm just saying, oh you know what I'm saying)

50 is old when you are 16. You look at those people and think OMG they are sooooo old. How so they get out of bed? What is left of their life? Shouldn't they be getting ready to die? And then you wake up almost 50 with two teenagers wondering how you got here. It all starts to speed up after 30 like someone hit the Fast Forward button. Or for my kids when you are finally reading this in 2055 - that was like when you would Skip the ad's to get to your video on YouTube. Hahaha. Remember that? Good Old days.

I know now that I won't get this time back - these moments and I think of all the moments that I spent doing nothing. Sleeping, worrying, watching TV, sitting on the couch in the corner talking on the phone because the phone was connected to the wall!!  I ask my kids to come hang out in the kitchen while I'm making dinner, Come talk to me, keep me company. My grandmother's words come out of my mouth.  Or I ask them to pick up the clothes that were washed and folded for them, Because someday you will miss that and I hear my mother. And I miss her so much my heart hurts.

Watching dementia steal my mother away, the one that I grew up with, the one that took me 35 years to understand is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Youth isn't wasted on the young, we just don't know what it is until we hit 40.  We don't really understand half the stuff that old farts told us until then!! Is anyone else still figuring out -You can't see the forest for the trees - what the hell does that mean?

Youth isn't wasted, time is wasted. All the time we spend fretting, worrying, overthinking, judging mostly ourselves.  Then we get old and we know the value of time but we spend even more time fretting about our kids, worrying how they will end up, overthinking - everything, and judging mostly others but still ourselves.

All I asked my family for this year for Christmas was time. Let's spend some time together. Just hang out. Let's make some memories that I can hold onto before it all starts to slip away. Because I'm watching someone else I love slip away, and it's killing me.  When that day comes all I have are memories, moments. All you will have are these moments.

What happened to Christmas Break?

I started out very sentimental, singing this song in my head and thinking about Christmas past....then I find this video to insert and started cracking up at Faith Hill's hair. It's crimped!!
Do you remember, when we though crimping was actually going to Staaaaaayyyyyy - aaayyyy - aayyy!! Baaahaaahaaa sorry for the digression.

What happened to Christmas break?! Somewhere in my life it went from "WHEN IS CHRISTMAS BREAK" to "HOLY SHIT IT'S CHRISTMAS BREAK." There is not a chance that I can get anyone's gift sent on time at this point, I haven't made a Christmas card, again, this year, and my neighbor's who are all 70 and above will start dropping off plate of cookies and the best I can do is throw some of the Ester Price candy my husband got but won't eat on a plate. (But of course I won't because then I wouldn't get to eat it)

My thirteen year-old son, who is not at all enamored with school, has been asking if he can start Christmas Break since Thanksgiving. His reasoning -there was not really all that much time between the two anyway. Me not being so enamored with my job, would tend to agree. But of course while he foresaw laying on the floor playing Xbox for hours each day with friends I was thinking of laying on the couch watching hours of Hallmark Christmas movies with my friends - Ben and Jerry.

When I was younger Christmas was all about Hope. Wishes. Christmas was when all your hopes and dreams might come true. Whether it was the latest toy or a hair crimper, or later on whether it really was peace on earth or at least in Congress.  It just seems like there is something in the air this time of year.

Love

The older I got the more cynical it felt. But was that really Christmas? Or just me?  The more I watch my children grow the more I learn and understand about myself.  I really did listen to all the lyrics in this song again and thought about how hard it was to derail my hope, love, and focus at 8 years old when I truly thought there would be a horse for me under the Christmas tree. (If I were in  Hallmark Christmas it would have been there!)

Christmas didn't change over the years, I was changing. I was finding my way, finding myself, finding my passions, or not. It made the whole world look different, especially people.  Going into a mall to get one more gift would set off a string of curse words that would make a sailor blush and hours of ranting and raving about how everyone was ruining Christmas with their crazy commercialism.

It has taken me years to learn this simple fact, that I hope to help my kids learn long before I did. The feelings that I hold in my heart will manifest all around me.  Protecting my heart is the most important thing that I can do for myself and my family.  Keeping hope and love alive everyday is not just a Christmas thing.  It's hard sometimes. Goodness knows! Life gets messy, complicated, frustrating, overwhelming, and keeping your chin up in spite of it all......

That's when we need each other. We need help in protecting our heart. And if we have learned how to do that for ourselves, we can not help one another. Not just at Christmas time in Hallmark's Christmas Village (Where the hell is this place by the way because I want to GO THERE!) but at the Mall, at the Grocery, in the parking lot, in traffic, in a crowded sidewalk.  We can smile, say please, thank you and Happy Holidays, we can let in one more car, or pick up the scarf the person just dropped.  We can look after each other the way we should. Not because it's Christmas, because we are all love.

Love

It sounds too simple. Too hookie. Without love in your heart, in your life, in your work, in your day it's hard to give any love back.  And the more you give the more you receive.  It's too easy to focus on all the love that is not out there, all the vitriol being spewed in a constant stream in TV, Radio, Social Media, and on the darn device we all carry in our pockets every minute of every day.

I'm going to take the best advice out there right - "It's easy to count your troubles, try counting your Joys instead"  That device that I carry in my pocket every where I go and look at 10,000 times a day. I have changed the lock screen to this - LOVE. Just, love. To remember that beyond Christmas, beyond all the madness, there is love. That is hope.

Happy Holidays. May you find lots of love.

What am I doing wrong?!

I give up! I do. This is not a problem I can google, research, or pray away.

My kids don't have any friends and it is all my fault.

If my kids grow up to be alcoholics my husband and I do not have to take any credit for it - the genes maybe- but our children have not grown up in a house or a culture of alcohol.  My husband never drinks, myself rarely. In fact so rarely the comments my kids have made about my "drinking" are comical. And they also allude me as I am writing this at 4 in the morning. There are many other things that we can take credit for and this one - no friends - it's all our fault.

I don't have girl-friends.  I never have. I have made very few very close friends in my life.  The older I get the more I realize that this is not normal, but I'm rounding 50 - it's not likely to change now. It's not like I didn't try throughout my life. I did! I have! But I obviously don't know what the hell I'm doing because it doesn't work for me. People come and go, or pass thru, or more likely they just say "You are so {enter a superlative} it was nice to meet you/" Then they run in the other direction.

My sister's and I are not friends. That right there should have been my first clue I suck at this. The two people in the world that have to be my friend said "F@%& Off".  I clearly do not understand how to do Friendship. It really didn't dawn on me after college for quite a while.  My husband and I married and figuring that out was a nightmare. What am I saying, I still haven't figured it out I am just less in triage and more in managed care.

But seeing and hearing other women in work situations talk about girls nights, and girls trips, and girlfriends I realized I was missing out on something everyone else had.  It wasn't until after my first son was born and I was staying home with him that I knew I had to fix this. I joined not one but two mom's groups and we went to every Parent.Child class my husband taught. I went to playgroups and story time - You Name It! Nothing. It was a lot of - Nice to meet you, Goodbye.

When the kids got in school I volunteered, helped in the classroom, joined committees, I joined a Bunko group - not for the kids just for myself. I was in that group what like 10 years!  I haven't spoken to the women since I quit. Are you convinced yet? I am Crazy right - So bat shit crazy that people meet me and run in the other direction.

Why is any of this important. Because my 16 year-old son has no social life. None. What 16 year old kid has NO social life?! One that was raised on the island of Misfit toys with his mom that's who!! And my 13 year old son - is just like his father. Very social, very outgoing, great at bringing people together. Yes, bringing THEM together...then they leave him out.  My most popular kid could get the entire 8th grade class to wear pink and go to the Volleyball game for support but not one of those kids will call him to hang out. Why? Because his mom is that crazy lady that everyone says "Hi" to and then runs in the other direction.

What am I doing wrong? I truly do not have a clue. But I just want to say to my kids, probably the only ones who will ever read this when I eventually get dementia and stop using my computer and they go searching for pictures or cryptocurrency, I am sorry. I am so very sorry that your mom truly failed you in this area.