Last Friday, I was still up at 6 am trying to rouse the oldest from his bed. He had said he need to get up but somehow that had changed over night and he was no longer interested in getting out of bed nor me saying it 100 times. By 7 am I start the process of waking up the youngest because if I don't he won't be out of bed by 8 am. I make two lunches, some semblance of breakfast, my hydro flask full of tea, and take both boys to school.
By 8:20 I had dressed for a morning meeting, gotten one son off to school packed the lunches, made a grilled cheese sandwich, started a load of laundry, finished the dishes in the sink, loaded the dishwasher, and we were headed off to school. We stopped at the bus stop to save our neighbor girl because the bus had never shown up and I deposited them at the JrHS before the first bell rang.
I was off to get gas in the car, drop off some mail, and pick up 2 lbs of pistachio's for the office stash while also delivering 2 lbs. of coffee to my boss because we would never use it. Then I dashed downtown for a meeting hoping that I had the right building in mind and would not need to pay to park, because I did not have any cash.
A little over two hours later and my entire hydro flask of tea, I was exiting the building when it became very clear that I was not going to make it to the car let alone home with out first finding a restroom. I was in a 10 story office building downtown - easy peasy I'll just use the restroom in the lobby.
Well, No. Not so easy almost a lot of peasy as I tried the bathroom in the lobby, locked. Then someone coming off the elevator suggested I just ride up a floor I'm sure its's not locked. After 6 floors and a bladder that was screaming - STOP! I rode the elevator all the way back down and went out to the car praying I would find a somewhere nearby. I was just about to pull out of the parking lot when I see a back alley connecting to a Marathon station. Perfect! Gas station = Restroom.
I drove over and carefully extracted myself from the car because at this point I was playing Russian Roulette with my bladder. Stepping inside I spot the restroom and also the checkout counter. Being the courteous restroom non-patron I am, I smiled broadly and asked if it was ok could I just use the restroom? In broken, English, not unlike that of my husband after a morning on Viber with relatives, the man smiled and said "something something Yes Yes." Ok so I go over and both restrooms have a sign on the door that say SORRY CLOSED FOR SERVICE. I turn back around and smile at the man politely hoping that the swirling motion does not trick my bladder into thinking it's go time and say "Are you sure they are ok to use?" And once again I get "something something Yes Yes."
I'm desperate. I open the women's restroom door and it looks like a crime scene! I'm not a fan of NCIS or any of the Law & Order's but I swear to you I think I saw this on a show preview. How do I back out now?! The man was so smiley and kind and all his "Yes Yes". Almost hyperventilating from the pain of holding every muscle in my body tight I'm thinking OK - I grew up around farms, I've peed in the woods and countless soccer field porta-potty's under every condition. I'm sure I've been in worse.
Then I realize the door does not lock. I would be lying if I didn't admit that was almost the kicker that sent this over the edge but it was at that point that my bladder, sensing that it was in near vicinity of what might be relief was screaming "Yes Yes." Stepping over trash, toilet paper, what looks like road kill, and possibly a dead body or at least Jason Bourne's last disguise I used a paper towel that was not on the floor to hold on to the handicap bar because I am NOT sitting on that toilet seat under any circumstances. I pee'd for what had to be 20 minutes. My husband, a trainer, could not come up with a more torturous position. It was not unlike the scene in Austin Powers when he pees after being frozen for 20 years. All the while I have my eyes trained on the door thinking that Guy Smiley at the counter may not hesitate to send in anyone else that asks with his "something something Yes Yes."
There was at least soap and water at the sink and also a sign that made me stop and laugh so hard I might have pee's my pants in other circumstances...it read:
Given my age that was the moment that I thought Ashton Kushner would pop up off the floor from playing dead and yell "You've been punked" I have never pee'd and flee'd a gas station so fast in my life hoping that if it does end up as a viral You Tube video at least I washed my hands.
That is how my day's off seem to go...at least up until lunch.
