New Years Resolutions are my arch nemesis. I've said this for years. But every year, I feel the need to push the reset button. To set a goal - however unattainable!
NO MORE TV! I know, if this lasts 30 seconds I will eat my hat. But I know the only reason I ever watch TV is to numb, escape, procrastinate. And if I have to read meme "Procrastination is not lazy, it is depression." I will scream - OK Universe, I got it!
Sigh. I am 51 years old. My marriage is barely OK 50% of the time, I have no career and hate my job. The only thing I am proud of is my kids and I can't really take credit for them! They are moving out into the world which is awesome but leaves me wondering -WTF do I do now? I have maybe two friends, I have 4 siblings left and only 1 of them speaks to me. I am taking care of my parents. Mom doesn't know who I am and now she can't even talk on the phone anymore. Dad has told me he is depressed and can't do this anymore but there is no money to pay for any other situation. My husband's mother is failing fast and now needs a live-in caregiver. We've been to one wedding in 10 years and 100 funerals.
I wanted to go to the HS in Fame, I wanted to be a dance teacher and bang my stick. I wanted to write Children's books and regular books and be on Oprah's Book Club list. I wanted to figure out this stupid anxiety bullshit, fix it once an for all, and no one would ever have to go through what I did. I wanted my Grandmothers to live Forever because they were the ONLY people who ever loved me, EVER!
No one tells you about this part....menopause, empty nesting, aging parents. We don't talk about how you wake up one day and think $%*@! What happened? Did I take a left turn at Albuquerque??? How did this get so sideways? And yet - I'd do it again mostly, I wouldn't straighten it all out. Don't get me wrong, there are a few moments I would absolutely call Do Over. But I do not regret my life.
I just don't know how I got to 50 so F'ing fast...and that means I am headed to 80 even faster. What do I want to look back on then? I'm going to start by turning off the TV, because I'm not finding any answers there. No Friends, no Fame, I'm not Dancing with any Stars and I am certainly not Solid Gold. Guess I need to accept the Facts of Life - Charles in not in Charge, these Happy Days are not all yours and mine but it is time for a Hart to Hart. Maybe a second honeymoon cruise on the Love Boat to Fantasy Island -or Maybe Dallas? Maybe I should start Moonlighting? Taxi? Mel's Diner? I mean who's the Boss here?? It's time for a Different World but with all change there are Growing Pains, all I can do is remember what matters most - Family Matters. I just know my life is feeling like one long episode of the Gong Show maybe it's time for a Little House on the Prairie?
