Why did I want to be a mom? Evidently because I love to clean toilets. I am now what is referred to as the sandwich generation, raising my teenage boys and taking care of aging parents. I am blessed to have a part-time job where I am off on Friday and I usually take that day to travel two hours to check in on and take care of my parents.
When this started I would get up an hour earlier and clean my own house, get my kids off to school, then take off for my parents where I would -you guessed it - clean their house. Over the summer it finally dawned on me, I am a very slow learner, instead of me maybe my family could clean our house. Or so I could hope.
Someone who's children were older than mine said to me when I had two small boys, "How do you raise boys to be good husbands? To understand it's a partnership, they should help clean, they should change diapers, they should think about the needs of others? I don't want my future daughter-in-law to say 'God you raised a monster!'" I didn't know either, but it was a very good question.
My father was an only child who was extremely good at getting others to do things for him and had a wife that did everything. I married an only child who moved 5,000 miles away from home very young so he was a little better, but still really good at getting others to do things for him. I was raising two boys who were watching me take care of everything - this might not end well. That's when I decided Saturday morning cleaning time would include them. I put a tube sock on their hand and sprayed it with furniture polish and sent them around to wipe anything made of wood. I gave them the vacuum and taught them to make lines. I had them bag up recycling, collect trash, sort laundry, make a bed, etc. Now I can not be sure anymore but I feel like I have taught ALL the men in this house how to clean a toilet. Even showing them how to get your face right next to the toilet bowl to scrub the pee off the sides of the toilet, their pee by the way. Yet I am still the only one that ever cleans a toilet.
Cleaning my parents house went faster if I just got to work and plowed through it myself but that really wasn't the point of going to spend time with mom and bringing purpose to her day. So like our Saturday morning cleaning I would give mom a job. Dusting, trash, laundry collection, or vacuuming. She loved vacuuming. Who doesn't love vacuuming? If you have to do a chore, at least you see and hear (sucking up a Lego or coin) immediate results. And it is not putting your face damn near in the toilet bowl to clean up OTHER people's waste. "I love cleaning toilets!" Said No One Ever!!
My husband and I recently got in a loud, heated, cussing discussion about chores in our house. He said for the 10,000th time in our 25+year marriage. "I help! I do dishes, laundry, vacuum." Yes. You do all the things you want or need to do - not all the things that need to be done. No one but me cleans a toilet. God love him, he really is a slower learner, he said "I clean toilets." I said when? There was a huge, very pregnant pause...because the one and only time he cleaned the toilets was when he told me they were gross and I was 8 months pregnant. I didn't kill him, but had one of our loud, heated, cussing discussions where I said "You do it!"
My best friend of 25+ years and I have discussed how growing up Midwestern Catholic girls left us with a few ridiculous ideas. One being that life was not about joy or happiness but serving others. Shut up. Clean it up. Offer it up. We were not exactly told to be a mom, have babies, serve your husband -but that was the reality of our lives. It was the 70's and we were told we could be "Anything you want to be" but not really shown. And it makes me wonder- is how I am perceived by my kids? That I am a mom because I love to clean toilets.
I can not put into words all the reason why I wanted to be a mom. But I just spent two days with my mom who has basically Alzheimer's disease. She doesn't always know who I am or what I am doing there. I know this. It's gut wrenching. But what I do want her to know when I am there is that she is loved, she is safe, and she is OK exactly the way she is. When I was leaving yesterday she asked how long of a drive I had and quickly pressed several granola bars into my hand. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her very very much.
She said "Tell your mom thank you, she did a good job." I said "I know she did" She said "I bet she is a good woman." I said "She is the best, I love her more than words can say."
Why did I become a Mom? Because of her. She showed me this kind of love. The kind where you clean the pee around the toilet even if it is not yours, because it is the right thing to do. Because it is taking care of the people you love, keeping them safe, showing them how to love even the hard stuff that is not as immediate and gratifying as vacuuming. And because of love, I continue to do it. Hopefully, one day if I am there, my boys will come to clean my toilets.
