How naive - how stupid of me! To think that once that you are done being a teenager, you are done being a teenager.
Will I ever be done being a teenager?
I don't remember feeling quite as assaulted or hurt even in High School (and High School was BAD for me) as I have by the words of my own teenage son. I'm not talking about the occasional flippant backtalk. I'm talking about the comments that come out of nowhere and hit you like a stray bullet from a drive by shooting. The kind of words that make me defensive and angry before I can even register and I start spewing back- only to feel horrible and suddenly like a teenager all over again.
My oldest son has a way of laying in wait for a long time and then like a cobra strikes without warning. Rearing up in the most menial conversation and delivering the lethal blow so casually. My youngest son does not wait but strikes constantly like a hyena he just keeps up the barrage some witty and some with deadly.
Perhaps you have children like this also? Or is it just me? Do my children know how to push my button because I have shown them just exactly how to find those buttons? Or because I have shown them how to strike? I think that is what causes me the greatest pains as of late. The children I have raised are a direct reflection of me I know...and I do not like all that I see.
The parts that break my heart are those that I have to take responsibility for utterly and completely. It would be wonderful to give up that responsibility by blaming all manner of others but alas, I can not. This is most certainly my doing - or more accurately my not doing. I do my best to avoid all manner of confrontation unless A. We are on the highway traveling 70 mph and I will never see you again B. We live in the same house. The old saying is that you only hurt the ones you love the most. That was a skill not only learned but honed in my house growing up. We were the very picture of perfectly dysfunctional family.
I was talking with a friend from High School the other day and we were reflecting on our families, our town, our upbringing. Both of us raised Catholic we have long ago walked away from that church for many reasons some similar. One thing we both said was how hypocritical it felt that so many we knew regarded themselves as Holy because they went to church on Sunday. I'm not the first person to remark that just because you go to church on Sunday doesn't give you freedom to be an Asshole the other 6 days.
But as I said those words it dawned on me, that just because I think I am a good person doesn't necessarily mean I am one. The measure of that is what? Well, in my opinion it's how you behave when no one is looking....or more importantly, when your kids are looking.
Am I a good person when I never speak out, always mind others, and take it on the chin? No. Because keeping your mouth shut in all the time means blowing up like a raging lunatic in front of or worse yet at my kids. They do not see the hurt they only get to feel it and never have a clue why. This is just honing their skill at showing the world only one face while showing your loved ones the other.
The kindness that I try to spread everyday in my life: opening a door, smiling at a stranger, letting someone by in traffic, offering excellent customer service even in the harshest of interactions, giving my time to help others in need.....my kids do not see any of it. They see the frazzled and frayed mom who had patience at 6 am but by 6 pm is throwing dinner and barking orders at them. Who never takes time for herself because there is no time, who doesn't take vacation with them because there is no money, and who spends her weekends playing caught up on sleep, chores, and cooking.
I was lamenting the other day and a friend said "It's all teenagers. Hang in there. Besides you don't think we gave our parents this much angst? Ha.Ha"
No Actually. I do not think that I gave my parents this kind of angst. I think I caused them worry - is she sleeping with that boy, is she smoking pot, where is she tonight partying somewhere or lying dead in a ditch. I do not think that my parents ever had a personal or existential crisis regarding their very being.
Is it just me? Is this another weird wacky "me" thing that only I wrestle with? How will my children learn true love, kindness, hard work, perseverance, stewardship, social responsibility? I guess it begs the question - Do we learn these things only from only our parents? Or only after our parents? Because on further reflection I have to wonder, Where did I learn these things? And When?
This is a 50 thing isn't it!!!! On the heels of turning yet another milestone corner will I finally get to put the teenager in me to bed once and for all and feel like a grown up.....or do I just get to feel old?
