How to make a "Karen"

In case you have been under a rock and are not familiar with the term "Karen" I can give you the #1-Urban Dictionary version - or #2- my teenagers version.

1. A woman whose behavior is characterized--by most standards--to be self-serving, self-preserving, self-entitled and is directly influenced by privilege.

2.Me

First of all I want to make clear, this is NOT a defense of Karen's out there who have done ridiculous things like call the police on a dog walker, threatened a girl scout, or refused to wear their masks or said the hairdresser is their God Given right during the pandemic. 

What I am trying to do is shed some light, for my sons, on how anyone even their mom can be pushed to the absolute limit. Thus - creating a Karen.

I have been under a lot of extra stress as of late while going back and forth to the hospital to support my friend. During that time my family has pitched in and helped out. There were certain things that they left for me - cleaning, shopping, cooking. Please note that during this time, I was still trying to call my mom, who has dementia, everyday. And work a part time job. And shower and sleep at some points. I have a feeling most women are nodding at this point.

So last Saturday when my husband was doing bills and saw something he didn't like in the checking account (the matter is pointless) he promptly started yelling at me. I told him that I would not argue with him about this because there was nothing we could do until Monday. He didn't like my answer. He stopped speaking to me. (It's Tuesday we have argued and snipped but still - not speaking. But also the issue could not be resolved on Monday.)

He was angry enough, we've been married long enough, that I knew on Saturday-I'd be in this for the long haul. That doesn't make it easier, or hurt any less. Also throughout the weekend I was still the mom of 18 and 15 year-old boys. Needless to say, I did not become any less annoying or any more smarter. (Ha! Get it, more smarter.) Likewise throughout the weekend, the world did not become any less divided or any more smarter. (now it's just depressing) We were down to one car because of Snowmageddon and thanks to a long overdue mail delivery, down to one driver because my husband got notice his drivers license was expired. I also had to rack up additional workhours getting things done because I was so far behind.

Fine. Monday. It was a ridiculous day at work. On top of that I called about the checking account issue (university charges) and they said "I'm sorry we can't talk to you because it's your son's account. He has to grant you access." My college aged son with no current job was too busy to grant said access (still not as of Tuesday night). Whatever. I got home from work and asked my husband if he needed a ride to the BMV. He said he made his own plan since he didn't know when I would be home. Hmmmmm??? 4 years now, I work M-TH 8-1pm. But, ok, Passive aggressive much? His ride cancelled so I took him. The BMV was packed so I waited in the car for 30 minutes. During that time I stupidly checked my email and see that I have a bill from the Dr office. Recent office visit for my son was $255.

My husband comes out still not speaking to me. The car is making an awful noise and then starts dinging. It needs gas, was all he said. We stop at the gas station on the way home. I drop him off and head straight to school to pick up the 15 year old from track. He is in a mood because we have taken away all video games until his math grade is a B and he failed his math test, again. As I am coming down the hill in school/rush hour traffic the car stalls. The power steering goes out. I am going down a hill toward a guardrail, a 50 foot drop, and a drainage ditch. While my teenager is yelling at me.

So when I get the wheel turned, throw the car in neutral and restart it, and get going again it was not fast enough for the person behind me and they proceeded to honk and gesture and be a $&%@ I lost my shit for the FIRST FREAKING TIME SINCE SATURDAY!!! 

and my son mumbles, Don't be such a Karen. I turned on him. Do you want to know why there are Karen's? Because everyone is allowed to have a bad day EXCEPT ME! My teenagers are allowed to be shitty and yell at me, my husband is allowed to get pissed and stop talking to me, everyone at work is allowed to miss deadlines and ignore my emails, and on top of that people are allowed to honk and flip me off and I HAVE TO TAKE IT!!! @&$)%# &%#$*@ (*&#@!*$

We rode home in silence. He made me dinner. He chatted about school and life. He's given me unlimited hugs! He's checked in several times today to ask how I'm doing or just said I love you. My husband-still not talking to me. One out of three isn't bad. And it's the only thing keep me from going full on Karen all over the Insurance Company, the University, and my 18 year-old - but I think this will start to come out when my husband gets home. I'll try to restrain Karen, but I can't promise anything.

It's the moments that count....

The journey of parenting is a long and winding road. There are many hills, lots of hills, years of hills! My friend that was facing cancer surgery again, and again, is finally recovering at home. She is surrounded by her grown son's who have gone above and beyond to do whatever is needed for Mom. She is impressed - I am not surprised. She worked hard to raise good children - damn hard. She was a single mom with three kids - one with physical and developmental delays - no real spousal support or family support to speak of.

Everything that her boys are today is because of her! (Just my biased opinion) And they are amazing young men. They have picked up the ball at every down and run with it. Just like their cherished Bengals will do in the SUPERBOWL baby! Who Dey!! I digress.

Just the other day her son looked at her and said, "Mom. I don't know how you raised three of us all alone. I am in awe. Thank you. For all that you did for us growing up, because now I have just a hint of how hard it was." Go ahead get some tissues...I am too!

As I round a Century Old I feel like we still scare the shit out of people about having babies. When the reality is those babies are the easiest ones. Teenagers are the ones that will kill ya'! Or send you to jail for killing. Middle school and high school years are the literal reason for a hair color industry. I just read that being President of the US takes like 20 years off their life. The teenage years easily one up that.

I have been sending my friend a daily quote some inspirational some humor depending on her latest mood. After she texted me her son's words I found a beautiful picture with the infamous quote:

So much of what she is going through right now is a struggle and that moment - that moment that your grown son realizes how much it took for you to get through the day - and thanks you. That is pure parenting gold. It helps to put back into your life force some of what they extracted with door slamming, silent treatment, and Algebra II. (Why are we still teaching this??)

Don't let the golden parenting moments go by without taking a breath and saying Thank you. I did it because I love you. I did because you are worth it. I did it because I knew someday we would have a moment just like this.

When I'm sorry is not enough....

If I looked back through my blogs I know that I will find an entry from 5 years ago when I wrote about my friend who was diagnosed with cancer. 

Here we are 5 years later - it's back.

And after another horrendously painful and extensive surgery she was due to go home tomorrow, I was on my way back to the hospital tonight when I got a call that they rushed her back into the OR.

I am at a loss for words. "I'm sorry" are not sufficient to convey the depth of guilt and grief I feel for the pain and suffering she has endured.  Both surgeries have now resulted in a trauma not just to her body but to her soul. And as her friend, her person, her "family" my heart breaks. She doesn't deserve ANY of this but feeling terrified and being alone - feeling all alone. No one deserves that. Especially someone this good.

My prayers tonight are not just for the surgeons skilled hands and God's grace but that she may heal both inside and out. May her soul heal as well.

Welcome 2022

I didn't even go back and look at prior New Year's post but considering my relationship to resolutions there is no need. I laid awake last night as I always do, trying to replay the year in my head. Mostly I sit and breathe through the panic attack that is me the Monkey's screaming :WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THIS YEAR!!!!"

So you see why I do not like resolutions - it just gives the Monkey's fuel for the New Year's Dumpster fire at Midnight. But last night after my husband lost it at me because evidently I had lost it at him all day, we cut the New Year's cake in silence. Then he went to bed. I sat there replaying the day, the years, my entire life. HAPPY NEW YEAR party of 1.

We will all be headed back to work and school on Monday - and we will start the race all over again. Mark, Set, GO! Sigh.....nope. Two dinners left. So I am giving my family homework.  Your loved one has suffered a blow to the head and they have retrograde amnesia. They wake up and have no idea who you are, but more important, they don't know who THEY are....that's up to you.

Write a not to your family member and tell them all about themselves.

What do you tell them? How do you describe them-to them?

My hope? That when we step back for a moment we can look at loved ones with love and not the annoyance of normal everyday living. Yes. One of us will always be the task master, One of us the martyr. One of us the Diva, etc etc. You know what I mean! If you are a member of a family you get it. We take each other and their roles for granted. 

Instead of resolutions this year - try asking your loved ones to describe yourself to you. Open your heart and your mind and let's fil this year with LOVE. Happy New Year.

Bless you Child

I have two teenage boys. 18 and 15 right now. There are not many moments that take my breathe away - in a good way. Trust me they take my breathe away on a daily basis!! It's more of the - Oh No You Didn't! Hold my breathe - Don't kill them. Kind of take my breath away.

But recently my youngest, who is my most hormonally challenged was standing on my last nerve as usual. So I stopped engaging in conversation and focused on making dinner.  He was "working on homework" at the kitchen table while I cooked. I cut myself, I screwed up the recipe, I had to go down the basement 4 times to get items I forgot. Finally I stood looking out the kitchen window silently crying. Between the constant arguing with my son, my mom's dementia, and my inability to get dinner on the table I was done.

My son just walked over and hugged me. If that wasn't enough he said, "It's ok Mom." It's not I sobbed, Nanna has Dementia, her mom had Dementia, I probably already have it because I can't even make dinner! That's when my snarky 15 year-old son said "Ok first of all you do not have Dementia yet but even if you do get it you have us Mom, and I promise to take care of you."

How do you stop crying after that? Well, with this child, quickly because not wanting to miss an opportunity to make a joke he adds, "Besides by the time you get Dementia I will be a Professional Soccer Player who makes so much money I can put you in a really nice home and hire help. It's alllllll good."

It was the thought that counted and the recording I got.

I'll never make it on NPR

I realized to day as I was listening to The Splendid Table that I will never make it on NPR. When it was time to replace Lynne Rosetto Kasper who did they choose? Francis Lamb. Who hosts Science Friday? Ira Flatow. And there's Ira Glass, Lakshmi Singh, Sylvia Poggiolo....I do not have a cool enough name!! Depressing.

Maybe I should change my name - or get a really good alias?! Remember when Phoebe changed her name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock? And Karen Walker would wipe our her alias in a heartbeat - Anastasia Beaverhausen. I'm not a Dude or a vampire slayer - but Buffy Lebowski has a unique ring. 

Some options have been ruined by popular culture. Once upon a time, the name Hermione would have gotten me a direct line into NPR. Not any more. Being named after a city or state is not longer one off either. There are Dakota's, Carolina's, Boston's, and Brooklyn's.

If I can't come up with the perfect unique name all of my dreams of NPR fame are doomed!

Is there NPR fame? Do any of you even know what I am talking about? Maybe my in at NPR is not my name but my angle. My unique voice! Sigh - like 50 year-old suburban soccer mom's are "unique". I'm doomed.

Well - if anyone has a suggestions I will take it. I don't have much left, but this dream. It's NPR or BUST.