It is time I own up and start apologizing - I am a lifelong A-hole. I am finally admitting it in public so that I can sincerely apologize and let others hold me accountable to my A-holeness. No more excuses. I'm officially in AA - A-holes Anonomous.
Anxiety makes me an A-hole, so does: stress, hunger, thirst, frustration, tiredness, heat, traffic, long ques, whining children, soccer tournaments, swimsuit shopping, servers who address me as "we", anything to do with insurance, taxes, hospitals, people who don't use turn signals.....you get the idea.
In other words I have spent my life being an A-hole and decided I hate it. For years I didn't know I was being an A-hole, those years being 0-12. It wasn't called A-hole at 12 but other things like annoying, hellacious, difficult, high maintenance, demanding, terrible, exhausting, problem child. I felt the consequences to that deep in my soul and because of it I became an even bigger A-hole.
I am truly sorry. First and foremost to my parents, siblings and family who have had to suffer the longest. To all the friends who endured as long as possible before giving up and walking away. I hold no ill will or disrespect, each of you taught me something valuable. To my husband of 30 years, you give as good as you get but I am still sorry for my part in our Lucy and Ricky lifestyle.
I am most sorry to the 2 most amazing people on this planet - my sons. Knowing how much my A-holeness has hurt them let alone affected them breaks my heart into a million pieces. I can wish all day that I had known, or learned, or started sooner however it does no good. As a wiseass once said - You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.
The first thing I learned in AA is grace. Before I could stop being an A-hole to everyone else, I had to stop being an A-hole to myself. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. It's not easy changing the raging voice in my head. But it no longer serves me. I am not a terrible sleepless baby anymore, I am no longer a hellacious child dancing in front of the TV for attention, I am not a tattletale, troublemaker, or tantrum thrower. (OK well still maybe a tantrum thrower...)
What I am is human. What I am is normal. What I am is: strong and sensitive, confused and compassionate, troubled and trying, overwhelmed and awed, grateful and gracious. What I am is trying my best everyday to be a little better than I was yesterday - to myself and the ones I love.
**DISCLAIMER
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