What can I say?

What can I say? What do you say to people right now when they ask  - How are you doing? Most of us are sheltering in place and only going out for necessities as ordered and otherwise living in the smallest world possible.  My loved ones 5000 miles away are not even leaving their 800 sqft. of space - and will not be for months as the Marshall Law Order continues.

What do you say during a Pandemic when you find out a neighbor's daughter born in February never left the hospital before passing away. When you find out one of the most beautiful people you know is going to battle cancer, again. When you are watching someone you love disappear a little more everyday.

How do YOU answer that question right now - How are you doing?

I volunteered to help make phone calls to a group of Senior Citizens. Some have never answered. Some answer and ask who I am and tell me they are just fine and do not need a phone call. But there is a group, a small group, that I have come to need more a lot more than they need me I am sure.  Because as soon as I call and tell them my name and ask "How are you doing?" I know the first thing they will say is, "Well, I'm hanging in there. I'm healthy, I'm keeping busy. I'm good. How are you holding up?"

I need them because this is a group of 70-90 year old's who have seen more life than I have yet. They are Depression babies, Vietnam Vets, Widows and Widowers- they are survivors.  They know that this too shall pass. (and they say that a lot) They know that there are brighter days ahead. They have been through hard times and they are still here.

I saw an interview with Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner from their places of quarantine.  They spoke about living through the Depression, WWII, about getting through those tough times - together. Mel Brooks burst into song singing a WWII tune "We Did it Before, And We Can Do it Again".  The 90 year old woman I call told me she hears about shortages of toilet paper, flour, yeast. She laughed about the toilet paper and said "It's probably because it's much better than the Sears & Roebuck catalog." When her daughter complained about trying to bake bread but the store was out of flour and yeast she said "They need to do rations, like we did. It works! You can't just go to the store everyday and get your flour, you have to wait until you get your next ration ticket. We all had to wait and make do." She then proceeded to give me the recipe for Irish Soda Bread because you don't need yeast.

I talk with an 70 year old Vietnam Vet who was married and shipped out in the same week.  He saw his wife again 4 years later.  They celebrated their 55 Wedding Anniversary last week via Zoom with Children and Grandchildren.  "We just did what we had to do. The secret to a happy marriage is finding the right person and being respectful to each other."  After returning from the war he spent the next 35 years serving the community working for Non-profit and religious organizations.  He believes it is a privilege to serve others.

A retired Middle School English teacher, an amateur photographer, a life long sewer making masks for her neighbors who are nurses, and lots of homecooks to trade recipes ideas.  Each call lifts my spirit and my hope higher.  Before we hung up the last time my 90 year old friend said "You know American ends in I CAN!"  It certainly does Irene.

America may not look the same for quite awhile, and maybe never. But if these folks can change their lifestyle this late in the game then by goodness I CAN too!  If these folks swear that the sun will come out tomorrow then by goodness I CAN too!  If these folks can look for the rainbow after the storm then by goodness I CAN too!

To all of those on the front lines right now - Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  It is your commitment to service that makes America Great.  Know that you are in our hearts and prayers everyday.  GodSpeed Warrior.

Trump is going to kill my parents...and yours.

When Trump got elected we talked to our kids about not listening to the vitriol - from either side.  This was not the end of the world and it was not going to make America great.  Presidents do not have that much power.  During his Presidency we have tried hard to discuss issues from all sides and to seek an opposing point of view just to ensure we are not being one sided.  We have tried hard to not to Chicken Little the situation....

Not anymore!  Trump is going to kill my parents and others because of this pandemic.  My parents are currently in Florida, due to come back in April but because of his ridiculousness they are currently going to get in the car and drive home.  It's not just my parents that I worry about not understanding what going on. I talked with my Aunt who is also in Florida and she said they had everyone over to their place for St. Patty's Day, they are still going to yoga, and planning a fish fry for Saturday.

I know why my mom is anxious to leave, She spends everyday by herself watching the news.  The media is all about scaring the hell out of everyone on a normal basis - and this Pandemic is Perfect for them! Because now they really can say a million times a day YOU WILL DIE.  And then Trump tells everyone this is another hoax set up by the Chinese.  His bi-partisan bully antics are going to get people killed.

This is not a Republican or Democratic issue. This is a human issue. This is about true Leadership.

I don't want to debate politics, not Trump or Obama.  But what I will debate with you or anyone else right here and right now is what true leadership looks like. Trump is not it.

A true leader does not ask anything of their people that they would not do themselves.
A true leader can walk the walk, not just talk.
A true leader not only holds space for those who are hurting, but hold up those who are suffering.
A true leader inspires others to achieve their potential and fulfill their greatness.
A true leader -leads.

They do not lie, snark, bully, and most of all they do not intentionally cause harm.  What I really want right now is a true leader. Someone who makes me feel more confident when what I really feel like is Chicken Little.

A Look Way Back - A New Year

It's that time again, another year come and almost gone.  I can not ever remember a time in my life that new year's eve didn't kick me right in the gut.  The difference since I have had children is that each year is bitter sweet.  Watching them grow, wondering what the year will hold - reminiscing about the year behind.

The difference this year, is that everyone in my house seems to be feeling it.  At some point in the last week both of the boys have said something to me about how fast the year has gone.

I would like to tell you both that it gets better, but it does not.  The older you get the faster the year seems to go by. That is why it is so important to learn now, the younger the better, to enjoy the moments. Anyone who loves me knows that I love a good quote. And a good quote for this is:

Life isn't measured by the number of breathes that you take, but the moments that take your breathe away.

There is no time like the present to start helping them learn what I am struggling with at almost 50 year old.  Be in the moment, it maybe the only moment like this that you get.

I do not know that 2018 was anymore or less extraordinary than any other year but it was the year that....

My oldest made the Varsity soccer team and they went to the Elite Eight in tournament competition

My youngest has grown more in this year than in any other year of his life

My oldest son turned 16 and took his first AP class
My youngest started Junior High

I started this post and didn't finish it asking the boys to sit down with me to re-cap the year....hence why it was never finished. Maybe we will try again this year? Or maybe seeing it will make us all add out own thoughts.

Wait, What?

We played a new game over the Thanksgiving break that may become, Lord help me, a staple in our house.  If I haven't mentioned it a thousand times I have all boys, literally. I am still raising my husband.  Sometimes the conversation at the dinner table sounds more like a locker room, and smell like one too but I digress.

For both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year we packed up and went to my parent house.  Being at Nanna and Papa's house usually means there are fewer magic tricks from my teenagers.  They do this great Houdini trick where they make themselves disappear with an electronic device. "Poof"

One afternoon when I was not cooking, again, Mom and I sat down at the table to do an easy craft I brought along hoping to engage her in some kind of non cleaning activity.  Dad wondered in at one point and sat down to watch us I guess because he was not participating but he was distracting mom and asking 100 times alternately "What the Hell is that"and "Why the Hell are you doing THAT". It was super helpful - I gave thanks.

Exasperated I gave up on the ornaments and made mom and I a cup of tea and grabbed some healthyish snacks to get mom to eat something. Smelling food that was not self-serve my kids straggled into the room next.  When I set a bowl of nuts on the table I could see my dad's eyes light up. Ok just be honest, anything you set in front of my dad makes his eyes light up and becomes food even if'it's not so....

After about the third time my dad went to reach his hand into the bowl my mom grabbed the edge of the bowl and slide it across the table in front of my boys.  Dad quickly got defensive and spouted, "Now I can't even have my nuts!" At which point my boys busted out laughing and my mom piped up, "You don't need them ." Even I was crying now SNL isn't this funny anymore.

When we could catch out breath I sad to the boys I really hope one of your teachers asks you to write about your Thanksgiving break, only because if I had ever been an English teacher like I thought I was going to be that would absolutely be my first assignment after every holiday.

A little while later my husband appeared. His magic is not quite as spectacular as the boys. My husband's in-law magic consists of disappearing and reappearing after doing things like running 14 miles, or biking halfway home and back, or in this case going into the basement to do 300 Burpees just to see if he could.

He saw us all snacking and said "Oh I have some dark chocolate". My husband's idea of a true indulgence does not by any means meet human criteria.  Once in a while he buys what is suppose to be dark chocolate but is really a form of food torture.  It is organic 99% dark Cocoa with no sugar added. And every single time he eats it he has to tell us ALL about it, and offer it everyone, and say how good for you it is. No. No it's not.  Even the Aztek's didn't eat a cocoa bean off the tree and say - What at treat!

So he gets his chocolate and starts asking the usual -does anyone like dark Chocolate does anyone want dark chocolate...knowing that my mom particularly will only hear chocolate and that in her current state will not remember that this is a my husband's form of food torture I am desperately trying to talk over him and steer this boat in another direction.

Alas, mom hears chocolate and says what are you eating honey? Beaming my husband says, "I love dark chocolate mom, do you love dark chocolate? I am 80% dark chocolate, do you want some of this?"

I'll just let that simmer with you a minute,

My boys were rolling on the floor my youngest howling "no teacher would ever believe this."  My parent's are looking terribly confused and meanwhile I am shouting "NO! NO! Don't eat his chocolate!" Which only made the boys howl louder.

To her credit my mom did crack a smile and say, "No thank you I don't want your dark chocolate, and honey, you really shouldn't talk to your mother in law that way."
Now do you see why this is my kids new favorite game.

How did I wake up 50 years old??

There are things I find that I can not explain to my kids. I can not explain how I woke up almost 50 years old.
I swear to you just yesterday I was in high school.  I was desperately trying to figure out how to keep my head above water and out of trouble.  College is a blur and their childhood - a short dream sequence.

How so I explain something I still do not understand myself? Is it really my job to teach my kids about life? Or are they here to teach me? Because there are days I know they are doing better than I am.

When did I get this old.....when did I become the "parent"?  Watching my parents age does make growing up any easier.  In fact the exact opposite. I used to say I wouldn't go back to high school for all the tea in china. (I don't know if tea comes from china or that was just another racist thing my grandparents said.) I would go back now if it meant that we could all go back.

It's not the lack of responsibility that I'm after, although that is a draw, it's not youth - oh to have my own boobs back though.  It's people. Grandma, Ma-ma, Aunt Leona, Mom. Maybe I am naive', maybe it's the naivete'!  One of grandma's saying that wasn't politically in correct was, "Youth is wasted on the young." (I know it wasn't her saying, I'm just saying, oh you know what I'm saying)

50 is old when you are 16. You look at those people and think OMG they are sooooo old. How so they get out of bed? What is left of their life? Shouldn't they be getting ready to die? And then you wake up almost 50 with two teenagers wondering how you got here. It all starts to speed up after 30 like someone hit the Fast Forward button. Or for my kids when you are finally reading this in 2055 - that was like when you would Skip the ad's to get to your video on YouTube. Hahaha. Remember that? Good Old days.

I know now that I won't get this time back - these moments and I think of all the moments that I spent doing nothing. Sleeping, worrying, watching TV, sitting on the couch in the corner talking on the phone because the phone was connected to the wall!!  I ask my kids to come hang out in the kitchen while I'm making dinner, Come talk to me, keep me company. My grandmother's words come out of my mouth.  Or I ask them to pick up the clothes that were washed and folded for them, Because someday you will miss that and I hear my mother. And I miss her so much my heart hurts.

Watching dementia steal my mother away, the one that I grew up with, the one that took me 35 years to understand is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Youth isn't wasted on the young, we just don't know what it is until we hit 40.  We don't really understand half the stuff that old farts told us until then!! Is anyone else still figuring out -You can't see the forest for the trees - what the hell does that mean?

Youth isn't wasted, time is wasted. All the time we spend fretting, worrying, overthinking, judging mostly ourselves.  Then we get old and we know the value of time but we spend even more time fretting about our kids, worrying how they will end up, overthinking - everything, and judging mostly others but still ourselves.

All I asked my family for this year for Christmas was time. Let's spend some time together. Just hang out. Let's make some memories that I can hold onto before it all starts to slip away. Because I'm watching someone else I love slip away, and it's killing me.  When that day comes all I have are memories, moments. All you will have are these moments.

What happened to Christmas Break?

I started out very sentimental, singing this song in my head and thinking about Christmas past....then I find this video to insert and started cracking up at Faith Hill's hair. It's crimped!!
Do you remember, when we though crimping was actually going to Staaaaaayyyyyy - aaayyyy - aayyy!! Baaahaaahaaa sorry for the digression.

What happened to Christmas break?! Somewhere in my life it went from "WHEN IS CHRISTMAS BREAK" to "HOLY SHIT IT'S CHRISTMAS BREAK." There is not a chance that I can get anyone's gift sent on time at this point, I haven't made a Christmas card, again, this year, and my neighbor's who are all 70 and above will start dropping off plate of cookies and the best I can do is throw some of the Ester Price candy my husband got but won't eat on a plate. (But of course I won't because then I wouldn't get to eat it)

My thirteen year-old son, who is not at all enamored with school, has been asking if he can start Christmas Break since Thanksgiving. His reasoning -there was not really all that much time between the two anyway. Me not being so enamored with my job, would tend to agree. But of course while he foresaw laying on the floor playing Xbox for hours each day with friends I was thinking of laying on the couch watching hours of Hallmark Christmas movies with my friends - Ben and Jerry.

When I was younger Christmas was all about Hope. Wishes. Christmas was when all your hopes and dreams might come true. Whether it was the latest toy or a hair crimper, or later on whether it really was peace on earth or at least in Congress.  It just seems like there is something in the air this time of year.

Love

The older I got the more cynical it felt. But was that really Christmas? Or just me?  The more I watch my children grow the more I learn and understand about myself.  I really did listen to all the lyrics in this song again and thought about how hard it was to derail my hope, love, and focus at 8 years old when I truly thought there would be a horse for me under the Christmas tree. (If I were in  Hallmark Christmas it would have been there!)

Christmas didn't change over the years, I was changing. I was finding my way, finding myself, finding my passions, or not. It made the whole world look different, especially people.  Going into a mall to get one more gift would set off a string of curse words that would make a sailor blush and hours of ranting and raving about how everyone was ruining Christmas with their crazy commercialism.

It has taken me years to learn this simple fact, that I hope to help my kids learn long before I did. The feelings that I hold in my heart will manifest all around me.  Protecting my heart is the most important thing that I can do for myself and my family.  Keeping hope and love alive everyday is not just a Christmas thing.  It's hard sometimes. Goodness knows! Life gets messy, complicated, frustrating, overwhelming, and keeping your chin up in spite of it all......

That's when we need each other. We need help in protecting our heart. And if we have learned how to do that for ourselves, we can not help one another. Not just at Christmas time in Hallmark's Christmas Village (Where the hell is this place by the way because I want to GO THERE!) but at the Mall, at the Grocery, in the parking lot, in traffic, in a crowded sidewalk.  We can smile, say please, thank you and Happy Holidays, we can let in one more car, or pick up the scarf the person just dropped.  We can look after each other the way we should. Not because it's Christmas, because we are all love.

Love

It sounds too simple. Too hookie. Without love in your heart, in your life, in your work, in your day it's hard to give any love back.  And the more you give the more you receive.  It's too easy to focus on all the love that is not out there, all the vitriol being spewed in a constant stream in TV, Radio, Social Media, and on the darn device we all carry in our pockets every minute of every day.

I'm going to take the best advice out there right - "It's easy to count your troubles, try counting your Joys instead"  That device that I carry in my pocket every where I go and look at 10,000 times a day. I have changed the lock screen to this - LOVE. Just, love. To remember that beyond Christmas, beyond all the madness, there is love. That is hope.

Happy Holidays. May you find lots of love.