Three Little Birds

When they hand over your child life changes, in many ways. The first is - you want every little thing...to be alright.  When things are not alright it's hard. Your heart and soul are screaming FIX IT!! Literally. Because your heart and soul are now outside your body. They are walking, talking, and living in a cruel cruel world. It is your mission to protect them.

My oldest son relived my exact experience on my first flight. On the first flight he would be able to remember his ear became inflamed causing severe pain upon descending. And then we had another flight to go. It was awful and there was nothing I could do.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I started to sing. Every little thing, is gonna be alright. Baby don't worry, about a thing. Cause every little thing, is gonna be alright.

Here is the thing. I knew that it wasn't going to be alright. Not for quite a while. But there was my heart and soul holding it's head, crying, terrified, and in pain. So I keep singing Baby don't worry! 'bout a ting. cuz every little ting, gonna be alright, mon.

For me, maybe not everyone, the hardest part of parenting is reliving all my childhood trauma. If I have to relive it all, at least I can help it turn out WAY better this time. What did I need to hear when I was a kid having panic attack after panic attack? I just needed to know Every little thing was going to be alright. Even if it wasn't, yet.

After that trip, I looked up the song not knowing the title is Three little birds. The verse not just the chorus are beautiful. If there was ever an anthem for positivity and gratitude this is it. 

Rise up this mornin'
Smiled with the risin' sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Saying', (this is my message to you)

Singing' don't worry 'bout a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singing' don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright

Even when maybe every little things isn't gonna be alright right this minute, what I know from life is - It will be. Tomorrow morning the sun will rise, the birds will sing, and at least one little thing will be all right. Never stop singing mon.

Facing your fears....

It is an absolutely gorgeous late fall day. It is 60 degrees, the sun is out, there is a lot of wind but being outside in shorts in the Midwest on November 6th! I'll take it. Ne excuse for not working out and for not getting in 500 words. New goal. 500 words  a day until the end of the year.

Face your Fears! Does not mean jumping out of an airplane, I'm not crazy! But it does mean do the stuff that is hard. Writing even when I want to pull the covers back over my head. Texting someone to see if they want to take a walk, asking my husband for a date, sitting down in front of a blank canvas. First world fears right?!

If I am writing this for my boys, then this is what I want them to know about fears. They never go away, just morph maybe? Human's biggest fear of all? Being alone. Truly alone, not 21st Century alone where you have TV, radio, 10 streaming services, iPad, and iPhone. That is anything but alone. The kind of alone where the only other person you can hear is in your head - YOU.

The people who say I can not mediate or I hate meditation. What they hate is hearing all the chatter of their mind. Their actual inner voice. Their deepest darkest wants, needs, desires, thoughts, and fears. That shit is scary. It is hard work to learn how to sit with yourself and not judge, just listen. Get curious. You can't not do it boys. Because here is what I learned way late in life. In order to fully give and receive love you have to be able to give and receive love - to yourself. Forgive the stupid shit you did, said, watched. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. Beating yourself up isn't discipline its dumbassery. How long would your friends stick around if you talked to them they way your talked to yourself???

All of us as humans could make a list of 100 things we fear. Not one of us would put "Myself" on that list. But that is ultimately what we are most afraid of - being alone, in our head, with our life movie on repeat. Reliving it over and over again...regrets, mistakes, F#@% ups. There is more though. If you learn to sit still, be still, get quiet, get curious, not judge, forgive, and talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. Then you can see the good stuff, the joyful stuff, the silly stuff. Then you can see yourself for who you are to the world.

This is why your parents, teachers, friends will say to you...I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

This used to be easier.....

I haven't found time to sit down and write about my sons misadventures, milestones, and memories for quite a while. I would like to blame work, life, or my husband. But the reality is, it was easier not to. Sitting down and writing is hard and I stopped doing the hard stuff.

I told myself I WAS doing the hard stuff. Raising kids, working part-time, surviving a pandemic, taking care of aging parents. But that was not the reality. It was just to hard. My sons's did not stop growing and making memories....I just stopped writing them down.

I don't think I have written about my oldest son since he was in Junior High. He is most like me. He struggled with Junior High and High School, his first girlfriend, and perfectionism. Covid was horrible for him. All the hard work he had been putting into music was paying off RIGHT when the world shut down. The rug was pulled so far out from underneath him I am not sure if it will ever go back.

He is currently at University studying and playing music and still a perfectionist. He may have a girlfriend but he is certainly not telling us, so my husband told him it is not official until we meet her. Such a Greek father! Honey, he may not speak up until the wedding -?!

My youngest son has chosen a University. One and done. We went, we looked, we're done. Now, the after Senior year world tour is a different story. He has said for three years he is going to go to spend time with family overseas after high school. Now he just has to plan it. Part of his plan is to see if he can workout or tryout with Football clubs there. Good on'ya Mate! As long as he is driving this bus. I can't do it for him, but I will cheer the loudest. Guaranted.

I'm frustrated with myself for not writing more down. The boys deserve better. I deserve better. As I watch my mother disintegrate from Dementia I am paralyzed. What if that is me??! Just like that New Year's Eve question- What if I wake up tomorrow and forget who I am? Who will tell me.....what would my boys remember?

Will they remember all the trips to the zoo, the library, the parks? Will they remember all the hours I volunteered in their classroom and on school trips? Will they remember all the homemade birthday cakes, Halloween costumes, celebratory meals? Will they remember the hours we spent in the car - driving everywhere! To soccer practice, soccer games, soccer tournaments, soccer parties! and to be fair also cross country, basketball, flag football, and even dance classes for a bit. Will they remember awards, concerts, ceremonies?

If holding onto memories requires reliving them over and over again. Who will they relive those memories with besides each other? We don't have family, they don't have friend groups. And of course my biggest worry, they are too much like me. The only memories they will have are of the anxiety, disappointment, and trauma.

There are two reasons I am angry at myself because ultimately I let myself down. I let Anxiety and depression win. I stopped writing and stopped reliving the moments to cement them in memories. That's all on me.

My poor kids!!!

 I am no better at keeping this up to date and giving my kids a written account of their childhood as I am taking pictures and giving them a photo account of their childhood - I suck!!!

My youngest is 16, lordie day,  soon to be 17. (where did the time go!) He is still set on getting into college as a D1 athlete and going into life a Professional Soccer player. Sigh.......but maybe I should go back a bit.

My youngest came out screaming and hasn't stopped. He knows what he wants and he can be relentless to get it whether it was a cookie right before dinner or a ForteNite game (thank god that phase is over), having a friend over or not taking AP classes. Tenacious! Except for studying, practicing, or working hard. Thus the reason we find ourselves where we are today. He only made Varsity soccer as a Junior and we have little to no playing time to prove it. Barely any AP classes and no extracurriculars to speak of. D1 college resume material - Zero, Zip, Zilch.

However we did make it to Cyprus last summer to see my husbands mom and family and if I had to choose someone to get delayed in a foreign country - it would be him! Because I know he would be totally OK, more than OK. Quite possibly he would end up Prime Minister before it was all over. He has charisma for days, can talk himself out of/or into anything, he is genuinely kind hearted, loving, and passionate. He is so passionate about fairness or maybe good versus evil. Turned in the right direction he and Pinky COULD TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

When this child started High School I thought for sure it would be about 5 minutes before he had a girlfriend or three. But seeing as he started HS in the midst of the Covid Pandemic he took social distance very seriously. No socializing seriously. It is hard for me to get to upset over it because the social scene has not changed since I went to HS and it is still all about drinking, getting high, and having sex. It does make me sad. It hurts my heart that neither of my kids have friends or a social life because they wanted something - different.

I am sure I am not the first parent less than satisfied with my performance. There is a list a mile long of what I wish I shoulda, woulda, coulda done better. But when my son wants to hang out with me, hugs me out of the blue, goes with me to help at the store, or talks to his Nanna or cousin Liam on the phone. I stop for one minute, take a deep breathe, say a prayer to my angels and wonder to myself - Did I get the big stuff right? 

When the boys were little I would say to them, "It's my job to keep you safe and make you a gentleman." I feel as a parent the most important job I have is teach them - show them the importance of Love. Life is all about love and that is WAY more complicated than it seems. On this journey these boys have taught me just as much about love as anyone or anything, my youngest has taught me the most.

I know I don't say it enough to him. I am so incredibly proud of the gentleman he is and the Gentleman to come. Whether the Premier League calls or not Damnit!!

Yes - That's why I became a mom. Because I love cleaning toilets, said No One, EVER!

Why did I want to be a mom? Evidently because I love to clean toilets. I am now what is referred to as the sandwich generation, raising my teenage boys and taking care of aging parents. I am blessed to have a part-time job where I am off on Friday and I usually take that day to travel two hours to check in on and take care of my parents.

When this started I would get up an hour earlier and clean my own house, get my kids off to school, then take off for my parents where I would -you guessed it - clean their house. Over the summer it finally dawned on me, I am a very slow learner, instead of me maybe my family could clean our house. Or so I could hope.

Someone who's children were older than mine said to me when I had two small boys, "How do you raise boys to be good husbands? To understand it's a partnership, they should help clean, they should change diapers, they should think about the needs of others? I don't want my future daughter-in-law to say 'God you raised a monster!'" I didn't know either, but it was a very good question.

My father was an only child who was extremely good at getting others to do things for him and had a wife that did everything. I married an only child who moved 5,000 miles away from home very young so he was a little better, but still really good at getting others to do things for him. I was raising two boys who were watching me take care of everything - this might not end well. That's when I decided Saturday morning cleaning time would include them. I put a tube sock on their hand and sprayed it with furniture polish and sent them around to wipe anything made of wood. I gave them the vacuum and taught them to make lines. I had them bag up recycling, collect trash, sort laundry, make a bed, etc. Now I can not be sure anymore but I feel like I have taught ALL the men in this house how to clean a toilet. Even showing them how to get your face right next to the toilet bowl to scrub the pee off the sides of the toilet, their pee by the way. Yet I am still the only one that ever cleans a toilet.

Cleaning my parents house went faster if I just got to work and plowed through it myself but that really wasn't the point of going to spend time with mom and bringing purpose to her day. So like our Saturday morning cleaning I would give mom a job. Dusting, trash, laundry collection, or vacuuming. She loved vacuuming. Who doesn't love vacuuming? If you have to do a chore, at least you see and hear (sucking up a Lego or coin) immediate results. And it is not putting your face damn near in the toilet bowl to clean up OTHER people's waste. "I love cleaning toilets!" Said No One Ever!!

My husband and I recently got in a loud, heated, cussing discussion about chores in our house. He said for the 10,000th time in our 25+year marriage. "I help! I do dishes, laundry, vacuum." Yes. You do all the things you want or need to do - not all the things that need to be done. No one but me cleans a toilet. God love him, he really is a slower learner, he said "I clean toilets." I said when? There was a huge, very pregnant pause...because the one and only time he cleaned the toilets was when he told me they were gross and I was 8 months pregnant. I didn't kill him, but had one of our loud, heated, cussing discussions where I said "You do it!"

My best friend of 25+ years and I have discussed how growing up Midwestern Catholic girls left us with a few ridiculous ideas. One being that life was not about joy or happiness but serving others. Shut up. Clean it up. Offer it up. We were not exactly told to be a mom, have babies, serve your husband -but that was the reality of our lives. It was the 70's and we were told we could be "Anything you want to be" but not really shown. And it makes me wonder- is how I am perceived by my kids? That I am a mom because I love to clean toilets.

I can not put into words all the reason why I wanted to be a mom. But I just spent two days with my mom who has basically Alzheimer's disease. She doesn't always know who I am or what I am doing there. I know this. It's gut wrenching. But what I do want her to know when I am there is that she is loved, she is safe, and she is OK exactly the way she is. When I was leaving yesterday she asked how long of a drive I had and quickly pressed several granola bars into my hand. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her very very much.

She said "Tell your mom thank you, she did a good job." I said "I know she did" She said "I bet she is a good woman." I said "She is the best, I love her more than words can say."

Why did I become a Mom? Because of her. She showed me this kind of love. The kind where you clean the pee around the toilet even if it is not yours, because it is the right thing to do. Because it is taking care of the people you love, keeping them safe, showing them how to love even the hard stuff that is not as immediate and gratifying as vacuuming. And because of love, I continue to do it. Hopefully, one day if I am there, my boys will come to clean my toilets.

Who really needs Drivers Education??!

 Do you want to know the truly horrible part of teaching a teenager to drive?

YOU Assholes!

I refuse to put a permanent bumper sticker on my car that says STUDENT DRIVER. Because like Baby On Board one day he will not be a student driver and also he's using My Car! Most importantly, is that going to make any of you less of an asshole??

He is driving the speed limit, coming to a complete stop at a stop sign, waiting for a light to actually turn green and then checking for red light runners so as not to get t-boned, stopping for pedestrians in crosswalks, yielding for oncoming traffic, etc. In so many words - He is following the damn rules. And what does he get for it?

Honked at, cussed at, flipped off, tailgated, passed in intersections, and passed in neighborhoods not to mention a two lane road with no shoulder. I have never been more tempted to get a dash cam in my life and put your cars, license plates, and faces all over the internet. What is wrong with you people? Who should really have to pay $800 for Drivers Education - my 16 year-old? Or Assholes?

Personally, I think a better use of police patrol time would just be to write tickets to Assholes and when you get to 10 you have to pay $800 and go back to Driver's Education. If you get to 20 you go to Anger Management and you get a special color licensee plate. If you continue to get Asshole tickets you get the Scarlet Letter - a bright flashing A for your car so everyone else knows what to expect. Stay away from them! They are an Asshole.

I get very frustrated and fired up when it comes to having to police people into kindness. We are all in this together. Kindness doesn't cost anything - unless you refuse to use it. Because the cost of riding on my son's ass every time he drives is that you are creating a cynical, frustrated, angry driver. YEAH!! Just what you really wanted more of on the road right Asshole?! Drivers like you.....