Enjoy

Be a Rainbow in someone else's cloud.
-Maya Angelou

 

Get ready....

 My 18 year-old graduated, heading to college son took off today to watch the State Track Meet. He was alone and it was 2 hours away. I didn't think he would go then he jumped in the car and left and my brain said - 

HEY! DID HE JUST LEAVE? BY HIMSELF? HE'S JUST A BABY? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!

For 30 minutes after he left I fought with myself not to have a panic attack that he was driving two hours by himself to somewhere he had never been.  I had to remind myself that my husband, his father, got on an airplane and flew 5,000 miles to another country when he was younger than 18. Lord how many panic attacks did Gia Gia have sending her only son to the US for a year? Later for 4 years? Eventually forever....

I was remembering when he stared 1st grade. Another mother said to me that letting her child go to be in someone's else care all day was really hard for her. Not knowing what they were doing, eating, feeling all day was terrifying to her.  Oddly I wondered if she and I were separated at birth because it sounded like school was as traumatic for her as it was for me. (that's a whole other can of worms I can save for my therapist) But I understood. Here we are again.

It is that transition, from knowing mostly what he is doing all day, where he is, how it's going. To not knowing. For some reason the human brain seems to equate knowing with safety. If I know he is at school he is safe. Unfortunately for so many people in the US now that has been shattered. Too many school shootings mean that sending them to school doesn't equal safe.

This fall will be another major transition. Not just for me. I know that it is time to let the bird fly from the nest. I am happy for the bird!! Truly. With my anxiety level I just know that it will mean a lot more moments fighting with my brain for control over the panic button. Some days I will win, some days I will lose. I just hope my son is patient with me. 

Everytown.org

That's not illegal. That's Adulting.

 My oldest son checks all the oldest son boxes. He is hardworking, rule following, a straight A people pleaser.  He has spent the last few Saturday's working for different clients of my husband's who just needed some muscle. Odd jobs around their house or yard.

Yesterday at the track meet some fellow runner asked what he was up to tomorrow. He said, "I'm staining a deck." To which one Freshman replied WHY....and thus the conversation ensued.

My Son - "Well they are paying me and college is expensive.

Freshman - "Do you have to pay for college?"

random runner - "You're an idiot!"

Freshman - "I mean aren't your parents paying for it?"

My Son - "I have to help pay for some of it, but yes, my parents are helping I got some scholarships."

Freshman - "So do you like doing like - work?"

My Son - "Well maybe not all of it, but yes I enjoy being outside, landscaping, mowing, digging stuff up, cutting stuff down."

Freshman - "Hmm? I don't think I would like that? Do you like staining decks?

My Son - "I don't know, I'll tell you after tomorrow."

Freshman - "Wait what?!

My Son - "I don't know I've never stained a deck before."

Freshman - "ISN'T THAT ILLEGAL?!"

random runner - "Shut up idiot!"

Freshman - "I mean isn't that like false advertising or something?"

I couldn't help at this point bust out laughing and I interrupted my son's story to proclaim rather loudly - That's not illegal - that's adulting! My son laughed and said that was a better come back than what he said.  But he did shake his head and admit that perhaps I had a good point.

He told me the exact moment at the start of this his Senior year he realized everyone it making it up as they go along.  It was the first day of school and he is the first and only student to take their new Engineering curriculum all 4 years. That meant that this year would be an Independent Study.  Mr. Glazer is not only his favorite teacher but the only teacher he has had all 4 years and the one who wrote several of his college recommendation letters.

My son said to me recently, when I walked into Engineering class the first day this year it was actually the second year students class time. Mr. Glazer got them all settled down and then said to me, well are you ready for this? I was so nervous after all the stuff we had to do to get this approved. I wasn't sure if the Principal and Superintendent were coming back to watch me. I just wasn't sure how this was going to go.

Then Mr. Glazer slapped me on the back and said, Ok. So you can take over the lab and work there. Good Luck kiddo - go figure it out.

I just stood there for a minute stunned. I said thanks, but I thought, Shit (sorry mom) I am really doing this all by myself. I gotta make this sh-stuff up. After about a week I realized that's what all the teachers are doing? They are making it up! Everyday! OMG was that eye opening.

Funny. As a parent the events that you think will impact your kids the most sometimes have no effect and others you may not know about at all - change their life.  This independent study has been fantastic for him. Not because he learned so much about Engineering (he did learn he HATES coding) but because he learned so much about himself, about life. He really needed to know especially after COVID that we all do the best we can everyday. No one has all the answers, no one is perfect, and Hell to the Yes we make it ALL up as we go along.

I know the Freshman who he was talking to and the random runner with all the snarky comments. I know that one of them will be OK the other one, well, he may learn manners eventually. Or not. But what I do know is that life will also give them the opportunity to learn that adulting is not something you can google, or watch on YouTube. It's just figuring it out.

Senioritis- is it on Google Maps?

 I am not sure if Senioritis applies to High School Seniors? Or those of us advancing in age?

Both of those things are happening in our house.  My oldest son will graduate from High School in a matter of weeks as I round the corner getting ever closer to the big 50.  It is very possible that we both have Senioritis right now.

I remember those days leading up to HS Graduation. Wondering why you are at school AT ALL. Over it all and not wanting to be there, but at the same time a little terrified to kicked out of the nest. Totally ready though. Not Really.

As I watch my son ride this roller coaster of emotions I struggle with how to support and help him through it.  It's one of those times when you wish there was more than listening and praying.  Was it easier to be the one in charge of it all? Playdates, bedtime, bath time, extra curricular activities.

When you are in the thick of all of that it isn't easy, it's all new and you struggle with navigating there, just like I struggle to navigate here. Is there a Google Map for this? How great would it be if there was an App for life! Feeling lost - just type it in. Feeling overwhelmed - just type it in. Feeling out of balance - TYPE IT IN.

sigh. digression....type it in.

There is no map for life's big moments and I guess with age we realize that was a good thing. Because it made us forge ahead, figure it out, hopefully enjoy some of the ride. (Unless you're a Nerves Nelly like me)

I want to impress upon my son that as crazy and overwhelming as this all feels he should try to take in some of these moments. It's hard! He doesn't have any friends to share it all with and I get it, without a connection to all of this it seems pointless to even try to be a part of it. Hell, it hurts 10 times worse standing on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoying it.

It just doesn't get any easier when they are the ones who never get invited to the party!!!!

And for the people who say - Well you put yourself there by standing on the sidelines. Seriously? This is not a Senior Year thing. This has been an issue all his life.  Why?? Because we didn't have the money to throw the kids a birthday party every year at Laser Tag? Because we invited your kids over to play in the backyard with the hose and eat popsicles instead of inviting you to the Swim Club with a snack bar account??

He has been asking to get in this game all his life.

I hope and pray that college is different. I hate that all I have is hope. I wish it was still as easy as calling up another mom, setting up a time, and hoping this time our back yard, our hose, and our snacks are enough.

For now, we are wrapping up his Senior Year in a Pandemic. He didn't go to Prom, Senior awards were today and by invite only. He come home and just shook his head, not invited. He missed the Jazz Band party because of track only to find out he is not running in tomorrows meet - but he's going anyway to cheer on his teammates. I hope his teammates appreciate it - but I am sure that they won't even notice.

Set the GPS for Bigger and Better things my love, God Speed.

Cheers

 "Making your way in the world today, 

Takes everything you got,

Taking a break from all your worries, 

Sure does help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away.

Sometimes you wanna go

Where everybody knows your name.

And their always glad you came.

You wanna be where you can see

Your troubles are all the same

You wanna be where everybody knows your name...."

I left a small town because that feeling that everyone knew my name was too suffocating. The fact that I felt judged every minute of everyday didn't feel like a "me" problem but a "this damm small town" problem.  I didn't want to go through life being judged for whose kid, grandkid, or sibling I was let alone the punk ass teenager I tired on for a few years.

So I left.  I went far enough away that no one knew me, but close enough that I could get home and visit the people that meant the most to me. It was never perfect, there were many moments that I second guessed my decision and certainly more that I thought I didn't go far enough.

But with aging parents, menopause settling in, my own kids growing up, and then this pandemic the fact that I live in "my own world" is slapping me in the face. Hard. It would not only be nice to get away, but to go where everybody knows my name.

My husband, whose family is 5,000 miles away, does an amazing job of building a network, making a home and a name for himself.  When I met him in college there was not a student, administrator, or staff on campus that didn't know his name.  Then we moved to the complete opposite side of this major Metropolitan Tri-State Area {insert Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc theme song here} and before you could say "You are so busted!" everyone on this side of town knew his name.

We don't have any family here, and we do not even see the family that we do live near but maybe several times a year, we don't socialize at all, but everyone knows our name.  We are a living breathing example of being lonely in a crowded room.

No one here can tell stories about growing up with us, or us as awkward teenagers, or even the us when we were first married.  No one has been in my children's lives since they were babies and can speak to them about the fine young men they have grown into.  Grandparents, who were such a vital and incredible part of both our lives, are just an image to our children.

After a year of struggling to balance how best to take care of my parents from a distanced distance, how to help my high school Senior navigate the next chapter without looking or touching it, how to support my husband who can only call his mom everyday and listen to her sob about being locked in her house completely alone, ON TOP OF the rest fo life, work, everyday.....

I'd like to get away. Somewhere I can see- troubles are all the same. I wanna be- where their always glad I came. I think I wanna be,,,,where everybody knows my name.

I don't even know what to write!

 As part of my resolve to make 2021 better NO MATTER WHAT I swore that I would write at least one blog a month about the kids.

It's not going so well 😒

It's not like there isn't enough going on within our walls - but I do not want to immortalize it. (leave no evidence) Mainly because I was hoping that my kids would totally forget all the arguing, screaming, confrontation, and crap.  While some of our conversations do not turn into total chaos, we to often use the phrase -" that escalated quickly".

Usually, I am good at picking up on patterns in order to navigate the landmines of loved ones, but these are teenage boys.  The only consistency is that they eat all the groceries I bring home in 24 hours and then complain that there is "Nothing to eat".  Gently reminding them to do their chores sometimes results in blissful ignorance later "Did you say something? Sorry I didn't hear you."  Or the typical teenage snark "I was about to {blank} before you nagged me." All the way up to a full Level 5 nuclear meltdown - "All you do is yell at me, I do everything you ask and it's never enough, do you have any idea how much pressure I am under right now and all you care about are the garbage cans!"

I am sure one day we will all look back on these days with fond memories and laugh and laugh....and cry uncontrollably in the corner while rocking and humming James Taylor to myself. I can complain - and I do but since it doesn't change anything I won't do that here.  The recent snow storms dumped more snow than we have seen in 10 years and the boys slept usually no later than 8 am and then got outside to shovel out all the neighbors that needed it, just because.

There are many things I love about my boys even though they are teenagers and have completely forgotten what hygiene is, how to pick up the clothes on their floor, and that we own a dishwasher.  Life with teenage boys is a double edge sword. I love that they talk to me about school, life, girls, friends. although I sometimes have to remind them that I am a girl and this is not a locker room. STOP FARTING!!

They put up with a lot from me too.  I'm constantly trying to get them to meditate, try yoga, or bake cookies with me. I don't miss not having girls because I never had one, so I don't know what I don't know. Besides, I drug them to dance classes when they were younger and I have two pictures to prove it.  They both have long hair and I have no illusions that doing hair is a fun thing.  I haven't done anything but put mine in a bun for 15 years and both boys - yep you guessed it - Man Buns.

Things I love about my boys

Hugs. When my youngest son  hugs you, you know it. He hugs you with his whole body he always has, when he was a baby I often referred to him as a Rhesus monkey. The best part about my eldest's hugs are they are unexpected. Like a sneak attack. It was great enough when they were little but even better now that they are teenagers because in between hugs is usually a ton of eye rolling, snarking, and heavy sighing.

Exceptions. I feel like my kids are the exception to my rule.  As soon as I think, "Ah, Ha! They take after me." They take a hard left.  Where my husband and I were never burning it up in school they are. My husband ate, played, and slept with his basketball in hopes of being 6'5" and tearing up the courts, my kids don't play. (And they are both now over 6', sorry dad)  I was afraid of everything - they have almost mastered being scared and brave at the same time.  Heck - they can ride on school buses, go to sleepovers, and try new things. They got me beat!

Intuitive. My boys are so much more intuitive then I feel like I will ever be. Perhaps it's because they have had so much more exposure to communicating, feelings, and self-care.  I was determined to try not to break that little voice in their heart that most of us stop hearing by 2nd grade.  If they didn't like a kid and didn't want to go to his house I didn't force it. When my youngest son complained every Sunday night about the yucky feeling he got, we named it and made a time to sit together in the yuck.

Character. My boys have character and they ARE characters! I am so proud of the men I see them becoming. Not just because they take extra care to look out for others who need it in their class, on the team, in our neighborhood but because they are aware of the world around them.  They can have a real conversation with an adult. They are kids that teachers and coaches look to when they need help with anything. And they can make you laugh! My youngest is quick witted but can sometimes have a sharp tongue. The oldest is likely to make a pun without even realizing it while also telling a story that really happened to him but seems utterly ridiculous. (He gets that honestly)

There are so many things I love about my boys and I try to put that on repeat in my head when one of them who hasn't thrown their laundry down for a week is late for something and standing in the hallway screaming "What so you mean you didn't do any laundry?!" I started this blog for two reason - I like to write and I think I do it rather well. And because my husband and I do not live near either of our families.  Some days that makes me sad. I wish our families were here to experience these boys first hand.