November 3, 2020 Ask not who I will vote for - but WHY I vote!

It's 5 am and I am up already. HIGHLY UNUSAL. I don't even get out of bed to pee at this hour and I'm almost 50 if that tells you how rare this is!

I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Like the day I had to have a double mastectomy - I want to get this day over with as soon as possible.

The polls are not open yet so I wait. While I am waiting I am thinking about our dinner conversation last night, and how different it may be tonight.  Most of all, I want my son's to know WHY I vote - not WHO I vote for.

I am voting for the countless lives lost and millions who fought but never cast a ballot.  I vote to honor the young men and women who protected my right like my Grandfather, and my Cousin and those who currently serve like my Nephew.  I vote because staying silent makes me feel powerless.

Do you REALLY want to  know who I am voting for??

I am voting for every woman to have the right to choose.  I am voting for every child hiding in closet from a gunman.  I am voting for the oceans, the forests, the amber waves of grain. I am voting so that no one EVER has to put off cancer treatment because they can't afford it. I am voting for black and brown rights as equal rights, finally. I am for the change I want to see in the world.

I am voting for my children, and my grandchildren, and ALL of the generations to come!!

Tonight, if my kids ask "who did you vote for Mom", I will tell them, YOU!

How do you look so young?

 My husband pops in on Friday's, my "day off", to eat between clients.  Granted he goes into work early without eating because he works out with his Boot Camp class and after a few more training sessions comes home to eat before going back until late afternoon.  Today, he was talking to his co-worker eating a smoothie and he told her he couldn't believe one of their other co-workers was 49 years old. "He looks 18! I guess that is because he isn't married with kids."

Before I type this in all CAPS I will try to breathe. Nope! Not working. MY HUSBAND STILL LOOKS 20 YEARS OLD - because I am his wife who takes care of him and his kids. I wish I  had a wife like me....here is a look at my day off so far.

6:00 am Wake up

1. make two lunches

2. wake up two teenagers

3. clean up last nights 2nd dinner feeding

4. track down missing maroon shirt

5. pick up 6 pairs of shoes

6. empty all hampers

7. strip all beds

8. send the boys to school

9. clean all the bathrooms

10. Lysol every light switch, door handle, and hard surface

11. vacuum and dust each bedroom

12. do third load of laundry

It's now 9 a.m. - head downstairs

13. more laundry

14. more Lysol

15. sweep all vinyl floors

16. mop all vinyl floors

17. empty all trash cans

18. bag all recycling

19. vacuum and dust all the downstairs

20. pick up each room

It's now 10:15 am so I grab the computer

21. send an eCard

22. buy a birthday gift and have it shipped

23. buy tickets for tomorrows game

24. confirm tickets for tonight's game

25. answer 3 emails

26. write a blog

27. Fold three loads of laundry

28. make a grocery list

29. make three beds

30. make a smoothie

YES - That smoothie that my husband was drinking while asking me what time we had to be there tonight, what time were the games tomorrow - and lamenting {insert heavy sigh} about how he was going to get Mountain Biking in this weekend because he wanted to drive two hours to a park to ride for 4 hours?

That's when his co-worker calls....when they hang up he says, "So what do you think about me going Mountain Biking on Sunday?"

I said "I think it might be hard for you to Mountain Bike on Sunday with my broom up your ass."

😊😊😊

It's not about the bully!

There is a lot to think about these days. Too Much! Some days it feels like everything going on in the world is going to swallow me up whole. I am listening to an AudioBook from an Author I love and the subject of bullies came up. I started thinking about this on the way home and for the first time I had a thought that I may be able to articulate without sounding like a babbling bafoon.

All any one ever talks about is "The Bully". Here's the thing - it's not about the Bully.

(I'll let that sink in)

It's about human behavior.  All of us will be the bully and the bullied at some point in our lives because that is part of being human.  To me - it makes more sense to talk about why bullying happens. How do you handle the feelings you will have at some point to bully someone? Why do you have these feelings? How does it feel to be a bully? To be bullied? What button is really being pushed??

As I round half a century on this earth one thing is finally becoming clear - the things that hurt me or make me angry or frustrated are pushing a button way deep down in my soul.  People that I thought were horribly mean when I was young-er, were sometimes just telling the truth.  Albeit in a rude and snotty way. They were just as scared, anxious, and vulnerable as I was but at that moment maybe more....that's why they lashed out at someone else.

Funny how conversations like this always seem to sound better in my head while I am driving then when I start to type it out.....

In the book the Author is talking about bullying amongst mom's and states something like "we all judge each other because none of us know what we are doing"  YES! We are all human beings having a very complicated, messy, vulnerable human experiences.  The more we understand about ourselves the more we can understand and empathize with ourselves. And if you can not take care of yourself you can not take care of others.

What would be so wrong with teaching the children that we require to be in school for 6 months out of the year and 8 hours out of the day five days a week - How to listen, communicate, and for Goodness sake the F* word!!! 

FEEL

Damn near every single solitary subject along with every test ever given in it is now searchable online but you know what is not searchable?  How do I make friends?  What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?  Those are questions that you have to ask another human being who has walked that road or one next to it. These are very natural human feelings all humans have at some point and they need to hear from another human being - Me Too!!  Not from Facebook, or Instagram, or TikTok because those are not real people. Those are people hiding behind a screen just like the Wizard in Oz.  If we pull back the screen they will be just as exposed as us. Heaven Forbid.

I'm getting that rambling away feeling I get when my point starts to float away from me into the ether so in the interest of staying on track.

The other day at my son's soccer game there was a very questionable call from the Ref. For me to say that is BAD because I have been very open about knowing nothing about sports.  The Ref called a corner kick because our Goalie touched the ball before it went out.  From the stands the ball appeared to sail at least 20 feet away from the goalie. The other team scored off the corner kick. Parents were outraged and never stopped heckling the Ref about this flagrantly terrible call.

After the game, my son said "Oh, that call? Yeah it was good. Our goalie got his whole hand on it." My husband and I were both stunned. Are you kidding? "Nope. He was a really good Ref actually. He came over before the game and said that he would be slow on the whistle because he would look at advantage."  (Yes, I had to ask what ALL of that meant)

I said to my husband that night. Hmph. Do you feel bad about all the horrible heckling against that Ref after what our son said. To which he replied, "Hell no! That is not how sports work."

Hmph. But shouldn't it? If sports are a metaphor for life, if the point of all the sports was to teach our sons skills that will enhance their life - What did we teach them today? To be Judge and Jury? To poke, prod, and heckle even when we are wrong?      To be a Bully??

There are at least two sides to every story. There are many sides to every human.  Sometimes we will be bullied and sometimes we will be the bully.  Recognizing which one you are is the first step to fixing it, and very possibly fixing some of what is going on in our world today.

I can't do this anymore!

 I started this blog for my kids. I wanted a place to document their childhood, tell the stories that they will tell and retell to their partners,children, and grandchildren.

When they were little it was just finding time to write that was difficult.  When they got older it was finding the words to write that got difficult.

And now....it's the vision. A place to re-tell the ups and downs of their childhood, a place to tell Mom's side of the story.  A place for them to see themselves, the way I saw them.

Today they started school - as a Freshman and a Senior. They left together and not unlike most first days of school, I stayed behind and cried. 

But today the crying won't stop.  Because I feel like a fake, a fraud, a horrible parent and role model.  Today I let them go back to school thinking everything is fine and they are safe.  And I do not believe that one bit.

I do not want my kids at school, ever, but especially right now. I do not think they are safe. I do not think any of this is OK. Any of it! Not just the masks, the 6ft apart, no eating in the cafeteria, and no buses.

We are tearing apart our world piece by piece because we are tearing apart each other, piece by piece.  Countries against Countries, right against left, black against white.  Global warming, massive wildfires, Cat 5 hurricanes, killer bugs, mass shootings, ethnic cleansing, unchecked dictators, the super rich, corporate greed, mega farms, super viruses, even a pandemic. 

What am I doing? I am burying my head, neck, and shoulders in the sand! "Everything is ok - Everything will be ok."  Why do I keep repeating this??? Why do I keep saying this???

IT'S NOT OK! None of this is OK!  NONE!

And if I am leaving this blog for my kids, if I am leaving this legacy of their childhood then I need to be honest and tell them...none of this is ok.

800,000 deaths are not ok. they are not normal. they are horrible and tragic. and as fellow human beings we should not only mourn each loss, but do everything in our power to help prevent any further loss. a cop putting his knee on the neck of another human being is not ok. targeting black people is not ok. killing black people under the jurisdiction of justice is horrible and tragic. and as fellow human beings we should not only protest each loss, but do everything in our power to help prevent any further loss. children starving, people starving is not ok. humans going hungry in a world with more abundance then ever before in history is horrible and tragic. we should not only work hard not to waste anything but also to help prevent any further waste from happening.  hate speech, divisive tweets, terrorism, war, conflict, and fighting are not ok.  staying silent is horrible and tragic. 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me bring love.

Where there is offence, let me bring pardon.

Where there is discord, let me bring union.

Where there is error, let me bring truth.

Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.

Where there is despair, let me bring hope.

Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.

Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.

O Master, let me not seek as much

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love,

for it is in giving that one receives,

it is in self-forgetting that one finds,

it is in pardoning that one is pardoned.

I am not a very religious person, I am definitely not a political person, but I am a person.  I am a human being! We are all human beings. Capable of great and wonderful things if we put our mind to it. Capable of wicked and horrible things if we put our mind to it. Which will you choose?

My Dear Sons - know that I choose good. I choose love and light. I choose for you because I want more than I alone can give you.  The things that I want for you will take all of us working and choosing and loving together.    That is what I chose for you.

Family Quarantine Grade - F

As my teenagers rush their online school year to an end I am in a grading mood. My grade for this family during lock down - an F.  What, you might ask, is my grading criteria?

#1. What have you done for someone else, who couldn't do anything for you?
If I had just said what have you done for someone else I have at least one boy that would say "Remember that day I emptied the dishwasher for you?" Like it wasn't his dirty dishes in there in the first place.

#2 What new skill or thing have you learned to do, that you didn't know before.
With all this time off we should have been able to at least learn how to make our own lunch for goodness sake if not learn Greek from my husband's awesome Greek lessons. (Just a subtle hint of sarcasm as we have been working on learning Greek for 20 years)

#3 What have you finally finished or accomplished something you have been putting off?
OK to be fair, this one is really for my husband who has been technically unemployed since this started and still does not have the deck painted, the yard mulches, or the boys rooms painted. But it was not my list! It was his, he just hasn't gotten to it yet.

#4 How have you treated other when you were frustrated, angry, depressed?
I added this one after meltdown number 10 by 9 am on Saturday morning.  When we start the day with comments like "You chew to loud!" and "I can hear you breathing!" that is when everyone (mostly me because those were just my comments) must get out of the house. And not just to walk around the block - AGAIN.

I mean I don't want to rush reopening, I just want my family to get out of the house for an extended period of time so that when they return they remember to be grateful.  It doesn't have to be the movies or even an Soccer game - maybe they could help out somewhere? Like picking up trash along 50 or so miles of highway?! Yeah!

What can I say?

What can I say? What do you say to people right now when they ask  - How are you doing? Most of us are sheltering in place and only going out for necessities as ordered and otherwise living in the smallest world possible.  My loved ones 5000 miles away are not even leaving their 800 sqft. of space - and will not be for months as the Marshall Law Order continues.

What do you say during a Pandemic when you find out a neighbor's daughter born in February never left the hospital before passing away. When you find out one of the most beautiful people you know is going to battle cancer, again. When you are watching someone you love disappear a little more everyday.

How do YOU answer that question right now - How are you doing?

I volunteered to help make phone calls to a group of Senior Citizens. Some have never answered. Some answer and ask who I am and tell me they are just fine and do not need a phone call. But there is a group, a small group, that I have come to need more a lot more than they need me I am sure.  Because as soon as I call and tell them my name and ask "How are you doing?" I know the first thing they will say is, "Well, I'm hanging in there. I'm healthy, I'm keeping busy. I'm good. How are you holding up?"

I need them because this is a group of 70-90 year old's who have seen more life than I have yet. They are Depression babies, Vietnam Vets, Widows and Widowers- they are survivors.  They know that this too shall pass. (and they say that a lot) They know that there are brighter days ahead. They have been through hard times and they are still here.

I saw an interview with Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner from their places of quarantine.  They spoke about living through the Depression, WWII, about getting through those tough times - together. Mel Brooks burst into song singing a WWII tune "We Did it Before, And We Can Do it Again".  The 90 year old woman I call told me she hears about shortages of toilet paper, flour, yeast. She laughed about the toilet paper and said "It's probably because it's much better than the Sears & Roebuck catalog." When her daughter complained about trying to bake bread but the store was out of flour and yeast she said "They need to do rations, like we did. It works! You can't just go to the store everyday and get your flour, you have to wait until you get your next ration ticket. We all had to wait and make do." She then proceeded to give me the recipe for Irish Soda Bread because you don't need yeast.

I talk with an 70 year old Vietnam Vet who was married and shipped out in the same week.  He saw his wife again 4 years later.  They celebrated their 55 Wedding Anniversary last week via Zoom with Children and Grandchildren.  "We just did what we had to do. The secret to a happy marriage is finding the right person and being respectful to each other."  After returning from the war he spent the next 35 years serving the community working for Non-profit and religious organizations.  He believes it is a privilege to serve others.

A retired Middle School English teacher, an amateur photographer, a life long sewer making masks for her neighbors who are nurses, and lots of homecooks to trade recipes ideas.  Each call lifts my spirit and my hope higher.  Before we hung up the last time my 90 year old friend said "You know American ends in I CAN!"  It certainly does Irene.

America may not look the same for quite awhile, and maybe never. But if these folks can change their lifestyle this late in the game then by goodness I CAN too!  If these folks swear that the sun will come out tomorrow then by goodness I CAN too!  If these folks can look for the rainbow after the storm then by goodness I CAN too!

To all of those on the front lines right now - Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  It is your commitment to service that makes America Great.  Know that you are in our hearts and prayers everyday.  GodSpeed Warrior.