Saturday, August 18, 2018

Boys need real chores

I think I've noted before, but it is worth saying again since I am desperately trying to get paid for listening to podcasts, but I listen to A Lot of podcasts. Recently I was listening to Trevor Noah,  The Daily Show Ears Edition when I heard him riff on this....

NPR-girls do more chores than boys

so it made me do some more digging....

NPR _ Why can't he do the dishes

My boys have always had a few chores, not enough to get an allowance. Not that we would have paid and allowance. Hell if anyone gets an allowance around here, it starts with me! But when I went to work part-time and they were home alone in the mornings for a few hours I started leaving a longer list for each boy of what had to be done before I got home.  This has been a struggle since day one.  The first summer I came home everyday to nothing being done so by Friday I was screaming at everyone while "we all" did the chores.

By the second summer I got smart and started screaming at them by Wednesday so that by Friday, when I am not at work, it was only half the screaming chore time. This summer I started with screaming at the beginning thinking I would nip this in the bud before it even buds. Ok. Better. I only had to come home and scream the chores done about once a month. Well, mainly because I have run out of energy and figure cleaning once a month is enough.

You may be asking at this point, What is your point? With chores and this blog? My point is that I do not want my boys growing up thinking that girls cook, clean, do the laundry, shopping, scheduling, and picking up after everyone- everyday.  I want them to understand it is the Twenty First Century and men CAN DO ALL THAT TOO!!! 

Men can cook dinner and change diapers. Women can mow the lawn and change the oil.  And it is not like they have not seen their mom do anything a boy can do.  It's also about being aware, which is what we discussed this summer between screaming chores done.  I am not the only one in the house that can see the sink is full of dishes, I'm just the only one that cares.  Working for a property management company that owns rental units in a University area is great for getting my point across.

Bringing home stories of maggots covering a kitchen floor so thick the Property Manager thought someone had spilled a bag of flour - until they started to move.  During an eviction recently the Property Manager thought the mattress was covered in mold, until it started to move. Bedbugs.  Or the Baseball players house that smelled so foul from spit cans and beer that we had to tear out all the carpet. They had converted a small back bedroom in to the "recycling center". By the time they moved out she couldn't open the door all the way because it was full of beer cans.  Don't think this is just boy houses.  The maggots were in a house full of girls and they have trashed many a rental unit.

In his riff on this article Trevor Noah mentions that many boys get paid for chores like taking a shower and girls get paid for cooking or laundry.  His take is very funny and accurate because 13 year-old boys do stink, badly. And yes, I have resorted to paying them to get in the shower.  But not without letting them know that if they ever want to have a partner in life they will need to take hygiene WAY more seriously.

All of this comes back to me being that nagging bitchy mom who doesn't pay her kids to pick up their rooms, vacuum and dust the house, or mow the lawn.  But I also do not charge them to live in  my house-meals included- or the gas money to get them back and forth to soccer five nights a week.  Because, as I have told them since they were two, my job is to keep them safe and make them a gentlemen.

I hope their wives appreciate it.


Sunday, June 17, 2018

When life becomes a Dystopian Novel

There is a new app form our Public Library that suggests books based on your reading habits.  Considering that I use only one card for all of us (even though the boys have had a library card since they were 5) I think I broke the app.  I read a very eclectic variety and then being summer I also checked out books for the my boy's.

One of the books it suggested was The Giver. I knew that it was made into a movie fairly recently and honestly I could not remember if I had read it, or one of the boys did, or if I just saw the movie trailer. So I downloaded the series on my Kindle.  I am currently reading book three in the series.

And this morning while I was cooking breakfast I started thinking - I am not reading a dystopian novel - I am living it!

How many people: children, teens, young adults, have to be diagnosed with Cancer and poisoned with Chemo to save their lives? How much of the Ice caps need to melt, and plastic needs to be found in oceans, and fresh water disappear. How many natural disasters have to happen earlier and stronger and further in. And not to mention the leadership or lack there of, weapons of mass destruction, and school shootings.  Obesity, starvation, Ultra-Rich, Ultra-Poor, Republicans, Democrats, Communists, the gaps get wider, greater, stronger.....

I could go on and on, but I am already having a panic attack writing this. I am not totally sure what my gift is, although I have always thought it was writing, but this I do know. This is not a drill. We are no longer a maybe. We can no longer pretend it is not happening or expect the next generation to take care of it. We are all responsible for this world and for each other, because we are in this together. Destruction, Dystopia, or Destiny. If you do not choose someone else will.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Help, Thanks, Wow

Anne Lamott wrote a book called Help, Thanks, WOW:The Three Essential Prayers. I was introduced to this writer by a neighbor who gave me this book just before my mastectomy. I liked the book and I am glad that I own it.  I'm never sure about giving a book to others though - I always wonder - What if they hate it?

A beautiful family that I know is going through an unimaginable time. The woman is a friend from college, we were in a sorority together albeit briefly when I was at University.  She met her husband there, after I had transferred, but I have met him several times since as we all live in the same community. She has two handsome boys about the same age as my oldest son. Her husband has cancer.

I'm not on Facebook so the news that this is happening and hospice has been called in has taken my breath away. How quickly my life has become small. A circle, the size of my family. The day is filled with our stuff, our busy, and then I go to bed.  The only places I frequent are work, the grocery store, and the places that my kids need to be. 

At first it was a very conscience choice. It was a choice I made to insulate myself from the ugliness of a small community. The gossip, the clique's, the politics, all the stuff that I suck at and that make me feel like that 12 year old bullied girl all over again.  But here is the problem with insulating myself - it's also isolating myself. And now, I live in a small community that can rally in times like these for a family going through something heart breaking, and I am not in the circle.

I know that I need to reach out - not only to my friend - but to people in general. I know that I need to widen my circle. But as the saying goes...Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

For someone who fancy's themselves a writer, I struggle for words right now. I want to tell the family of the impact their love and light has brought to others. That seeing a couple so perfectly matched makes me believe in SoulMates not just RoomMates.  Watching them raise two amazing young men and interact in their community is more than inspiring. It sets the bar high for the rest of us.

More than that, I want to reach out with my words and wrap them all in love and support. Giving them a literal, or literary hug.  I wish that somehow, my mere words could convey warmth and comfort in this devastating time, but those words seem to evade us all.  If only my words could conjure the Angels, I would write them, shout them, sing them.....but I end up with only one.
Help.

It's ok that someone else has the words, writes the prayers. I'll write the jokes. Right now all I can think of, is Help. Please dear God, send them your Angels to wrap them in all they love you have.
Thanks.


Sunday, May 6, 2018

Silent Sunday....

It's Sunday morning, 7 a.m. I have already been up for two hours. #1 son had to be at the marathon split by 6:20.  #2 son has day three of soccer tourney that is a little over an hour away. Even though I had two alarms set, I have been up every half and hour since 3 am thinking I overslept.

So here I am at 7 am on Sunday, already exhausted. I'll take it. With #1 son finishing his Freshman year I know that it won't be long before I am sitting in the silence on Sunday morning, wondering what they are doing now?

When the kids where 6 and 3 I didn't think this house would ever get quiet but now as I sit in silence I miss those days. When there was non stop noise. Cars zooming, Thomas blaring, sword play, gun fights, hungry hippos and kids.  Now a days the only thing the TV is good for is Xbox and if the boys are even home they are engrossed in their device watching something on YouTube.

Everything changed but it happened slow enough I don't seem to notice, until it was too late.  #2 son has grown three inches this year. By the time he is out of Junior High he too will be taller than me. He is upset with the status quo and meeting with the principal on Monday to discuss it.  #1 son is organizing his schedule and planning for his senior year, on top of still growing an inch a month.

So it's 7 am on Sunday, I am sitting in the silence for a little while longer. I am finishing my tea and my thoughts and remembering those days that I thought would never end. Enjoy your Sunday.

P.S. When eating breakfast before dawn, make sure you check the labels chili powder and cinnamon are not the same.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

How far have we come?

I was just thinking this morning about a recent conversation that I had with another mom.  She has a daughter at the JH school this year. I do not have anyone there right now but I did and I know that the athletic director is infamous when given the micrpohone.  He goes on and on for way too long and says things that make even the kids cringe.

This woman is not only new the the JH scene but new to our scene as they just moved into the area. Her daughter didn't make the Volleyball team and she said after hearing his message at the Winter Sports Meeting she felt better about it.

Mr. Microphone always gives a legnthy intro to the meeting like we are all new to the district. Then he talks about how hard his job is as there are 1200 students just int he 7th/8th grades, then about how he came from a larger district where he was band director and that was an even bigger challenge....I'm not kidding. Very predictable. Takes two and half hours.

When it was time to acknowledge the volleyball team this woman said she was cringing because he started the introduction with "These girls have come a long way. There were a lot of social issues with this group - they just didn't get along. Right girls?"

She said you could have heard a pin drop and all 12 girls were staring at the floor looking like they wanted it to open up and swallow them whole. Oh but he didn't stop there, she said, and went on to say they worked hard as a team on and off the court and he did praise them for coming together in the end. This mother was horrified.

But I have not been able to get that out of my mind. Why? Why is that still rattling around in there I keep asking myself?  What is it that is bothering me? Knowing I am stuck for the next two years listening to Mr. Microphone blabber on each quarter when all he has to say is Great Job athletes and call them up for their certificate?

Nope. That's not it. And this morning it hit me. Well, actually the door hit me in the head as I was half asleep getting #1 son off to school and carrying two laundry baskets upstairs, but I digress.  It hit me that what was bothering me was that I wasn't bothered by what he did. I was actually thinking - that may just be what some of those girls need right now. To feel the shame of their actions on a public stage. Maybe they will think twice the next time.

When I was maybe in third grade and attending a catholic elementary school the class bully was a girl. (Even the boys were afraid of her) She decided that she wanted to pick on one particular girl, but in true bully fashion, she didn't do it herself. She got all of us to do it. She planted the seeds of disgust and watered them with innuendo.  And when that wasn't going far enough, she found me. The weakest link. And she played on my need to get in the group, feel connected, be a cool kid - and she told me what to shout across the playground.

We were immediately hauled into the Principal's office.  He let us have it, particularly me. (rightfully so)  Lesson learned. But it would be a few years before the Bully got her hands on me. Fast forward to 8th grade and the JH Washington DC trip. For those of you not in the Midwest, it used to be iconic and every JR High kid within 8 hours of DC got two nights on a bus and 4 days in Washington DC. Now I love DC don't get me wrong, but that trip was literally hell on wheels. 250 thirteen year old kids traipsing around DC with a handful of chaperones.Ugh. Boys- you ain't missing nothing.

On the first leg of the trip the overnight bus to DC the bully decided that the boy she liked was giving me too much attention. Not wanting to lose her non-existent boyfriend she started a rumor about me. Remember this is LONG before cell phones, because I am old. And the one and only time that anyone from the 6 buses could even talk was the rest stop in PA at 4 am.

But she did it. By the time the bused rolled into DC not one of the 250 kids on that trip would speak to me. No one. They all avoided me like the plague. Her cronies then did things like sidle up next to me and say "Speak of the She Devil". They would accidentally run into me, push into walls, or off a curb into traffic. Where of course I would get screamed at by a chaperone for being stupid. (Midwest parents in the 80's)

By the end of day one I was confused, humiliated, exhausted, defeated, I just wanted to leave.  For weeks before the trip the teachers had threatened up daily with good behavior or they would put us on a plane and ship us home at our parents expense. Right then I was all for it. But still a good catholic white girl taught to always shut up and take it, I did nothing.

Day two got horribly worse. I started my period for the first time. Thank you ladies for that collective sigh, it was exactly like you imagine. Alone in DC, no knowledge of WTF just happened (Midwest parents in the 80's) blood on my clothes, toilet paper waded up in my underwear, and my sweater wrapped around my waist all day. Now I truly wanted to die and thought I was.

Day three they put us on a boat and shipped us over to Monticello. When we arrived there was a lot of jockeying around as they had to split us up into very small groups for the tours and we were there with 500 other 8th graders on their trips. Not even thinking conscientiously about what I was doing I went straight to the bathroom when we arrived as I had been doing every where we went so far on this trip not that any adult noticed.  When I came out of the bathroom I looked around and didn't see anyone I knew and for the first time in two days, I could breathe. I could just be. Then these beautiful girls with gorgeous southern accents came up and one of them said Hello. To me. I must have looked like a deer in headlights because they all started to giggle and one of them said "I thank you scared her half to dith!"

In the next three hours I would very little about Monticello but I learned all about my new friends from North Carolina.  We talked and laughed and giggled and they gave me tampons and pads and showed me how to use them. They trash talked the bully and her crew and said if they ever ran into her they would kill her! That's when it suddenly dawned on all of us - I wasn't one of them.

Oh shit! They saw the panic in my face and we immediately went to a teacher.  We simply said I think I lost my group.  They contacted a park ranger or house ranger what ever they are and sure enough. My group had been sitting on a boat for and hour and a half counting heads, interviewing students, and finally getting the whole story from one of the girls who couldn't take it anymore.  I was whisked away from my new friends who saved my life and sent back to the boat of bitches. I wanted to die again.

Oddly enough, when I got back to the boat I was suddenly the big TB. Total Badass.  The rumors were flying that I had said F'it and run away. That I had been found hitchhiking back to Ohio (off an island people really? 13 year-olds).  But the best was that the Bully had found me alone and beat the shit of out of me and left me for dead. That one cracked me up.

The rest of the trip went very differently, that night at the dinner theater everyone wanted to sit at my table. Which didn't matter because they had assigned seats three months earlier, but as we sat in the dark eating cold chicken waiting for 1776 to start I had time to think about everything that I had been through.  And the fact that the boy next to me kept trying to slip his hand up my skirt. I wasn't won over by the girls who were suddenly "not" her friend any more. I wasn't stupid. They wanted to be cool so badly that they would change who they were for the next best thing. I learned that lesson at 13. In a way I was lucky - in a way it made HS even worse.

I never did find a group of friends and haven't to this day. I don't trust people easily and rarely see friendships as lasting.  I also learned that week to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Which I think I took too literally and ran with my enemies for way too long.

My point to all of this....if even one of those girls was truly horrified by being called out in that gymnasium that day. If even one girl figures out that she does not need to tear others down to get ahead - then was it worth it?  Because I believe that far too many woman, still think being cool is the only thing that matters - that being mean is the only way - and that taking care of each other isn't on the agenda.

I remember thinking at thirteen, Doesn't she know how scared I am? How awkward I feel? How much I want to a friend too?  34 years later....how far have I come? How far have you come?

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato

Sunday, March 18, 2018

A message to my teenager son before you start High School

....................

Girls will love you 
Boys will hate you
Teachers will test you 
Coaches will push you

Life will try and break you
and that is why I'm here

When you need a hand to hold
Or a place to rest
When you need a shoulder to cry on
Or a place to call home
That is why I am here

When you need to know what love is
Or why bad things happen
When you can't find the answers
Or even know the question
That is why I'm here

When you need reassurnace
Or picked up from the ground
When it's time to celebrate you
Or toot your own horn
That is why I'm here

To my teenage son before you start High School-

Girls will love you 
Boys will hate you
Teachers will test you 
Coaches will push you

Life will try and break you
and that is why I'm here