Menopause.....God's sense of humor is warped!

I saw a video the other day with a list of just some of the wonderful things you can experience while going through menopause. Itchy ears, feeling like bugs are crawling on you, sudden sharp severe pains, brain fog, blurry vision, OCD and MORE! More?! Seriously?? Like women have not been through enough during our lifetime as we near the end we get to spend 20 years with Menopause.

It is great we are talking about it finally and older generations are no longer hiding this information from us just waiting for it to happen so they can cackle. But knowing it doesn't make it any easier. I went for a hike this morning thinking 70 degrees would be a reasonable temperature to not disintegrate. I was soaking wet with sweat in 10 minutes in, my ears were itching, I had shooting pain all over my body not to mention every joint in my body screaming at me "STOP IT you idiot!"

The sad part was after seeing that stupid video I didn't know if all of the symptoms were menopause or signs I was having a stroke and going to die alone in the woods trying to stay fit. Stupid exercise. I wasn't the first person on the trail this morning but I was swatting at invisible bugs. Except the one that was very real and very large. A kamikaze insect dive bombed my face and hit me so hard I lost my balance sliding off the side of the trail flailing to grab hold of something before I fell into the abyss. Until I realized I was not near the abyss, I was near the meadow so I was only going to fall on my tuchus.

Why won't my kids hike with me anymore??

God must have a very warped sense of humor. Was he up there with all those other male angels and giggling. "What else can we do?"

"I know- I know! What about making them barren, crazy, AND hot as hell? Then we can call them Hag's. Hot. Angry.Girl's."

You know there was at least one female angel up there rolling her eyes trying not to shoot lighting bolts at their nether regions. But she was sweet, demure, trying to get God to see reason. "You know God, maybe we should spread these things out a little more evenly?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, maybe both sexes could carry the burden a little more evenly, you know? Like if women get barren maybe men should as well? If women have to endure childbirth maybe men should have something equally as painful."

"Do you have any idea how bad it's going to hurt when they get hit in the rocks? It will be awful! But that men get barren idea - that's funny. that's a funny one! Hey guys listen to this one....she thinks Men should get barren as well!" 

Hence the saying God Forbid. 

One for the books!

 My youngest son has three cooking classes. Senior year is ALL about the fun, for sure.

We were both in the kitchen the other night which is rare these days. So I told him he had to help with dinner. As we were getting out ingredients, chopping, etc I asked what he learned in all his cooking classes. He sighed heavily and said "I've learned that everything I've been doing so far in my life is all wrong." I laughed and my first thought was that Food Network show where two chefs tried to teach normal people how to cook. The show usually ended in someone using the wrong knife, the wrong cutting board, or not cooking chicken to 165 degrees.

He was chopping something and I said "I am surprised that you are still willing to get in the kitchen, this hasn't scared you off eating!" That's when my son sighed heavily and said, "Listen Bitch." I busted out laughing. I couldn't stop laughing. My son was sputtering - "I didn't mean that! I'm sorry-I'm sorry!" Had I not been right next to him and watched the wheels turning.. and had I not just had the picture of that white haired female chef berating someone for using a saute pan for browning I might have taken pause. But I can only imagine a high school teacher trying to wrangle 20 teenagers making Pho.

I laughed all night long and will probably never let him live this down. The other reason this was not a huge deal-is because I know my son loves me. He tells me everyday. Usually not with a "Listen Bitch!" but....still funny!

Resolutions...my arch nemesis

New Years Resolutions are my arch nemesis. I've said this for years. But every year, I feel the need to push the reset button. To set a goal - however unattainable!

NO MORE TV! I know, if this lasts 30 seconds I will eat my hat. But I know the only reason I ever watch TV is to numb, escape, procrastinate. And if I have to read meme "Procrastination is not lazy, it is depression." I will scream - OK Universe, I got it!

Sigh. I am 51 years old. My marriage is barely OK 50% of the time, I have no career and hate my job. The only thing I am proud of is my kids and I can't really take credit for them! They are moving out into the world which is awesome but leaves me wondering -WTF do I do now? I have maybe two friends, I have 4 siblings left and only 1 of them speaks to me. I am taking care of my parents. Mom doesn't know who I am and now she can't even talk on the phone anymore. Dad has told me he is depressed and can't do this anymore but there is no money to pay for any other situation. My husband's mother is failing fast and now needs a live-in caregiver. We've been to one wedding in 10 years and 100 funerals.

I wanted to go to the HS in Fame, I wanted to be a dance teacher and bang my stick. I wanted to write Children's books and regular books and be on Oprah's Book Club list. I wanted to figure out this stupid anxiety bullshit, fix it once an for all, and no one would ever have to go through what I did. I wanted my Grandmothers to live Forever because they were the ONLY people who ever loved me, EVER!

No one tells you about this part....menopause, empty nesting, aging parents. We don't talk about how you wake up one day and think $%*@! What happened? Did I take a left turn at Albuquerque??? How did this get so sideways? And yet - I'd do it again mostly, I wouldn't straighten it all out. Don't get me wrong, there are a few moments I would absolutely call Do Over. But I do not regret my life.

I just don't know how I got to 50 so F'ing fast...and that means I am headed to 80 even faster. What do I want to look back on then? I'm going to start by turning off the TV, because I'm not finding any answers there. No Friends, no Fame, I'm not Dancing with any Stars and I am certainly not Solid Gold. Guess I need to accept the Facts of Life - Charles in not in Charge, these Happy Days are not all yours and mine but it is time for a Hart to Hart. Maybe a second honeymoon cruise on the Love Boat to Fantasy Island -or Maybe Dallas? Maybe I should start Moonlighting? Taxi? Mel's Diner? I mean who's the Boss here?? It's time for a Different World but with all change there are Growing Pains, all I can do is remember what matters most - Family Matters. I just know my life is feeling like one long episode of the Gong Show maybe it's time for a Little House on the Prairie?

Christmas Wishes

My mom has Dementia. She no longer recognizes me or any of her kids for that matter. She doesn't work, cook, or drive and she can no longer do things that require following a process like showering or dressing. She can no longer write and reading is hit or miss. Conversation is difficult because it is to hard for her to keep track of and understand what people are talking about.

What's awful about watching my mom disintegrate from dementia is knowing who she was prior. How does this even happen? Someone who taught 3-4 grade, raised 5 children, obtained her Realtor and Broker's licences and then bought a Century 21 Franchise, volunteered in the community, planned, organized, and cooked for every family function with a minimum of 35 people! HOW?! why......

The worst part though - are the days when she knows. She knows something is wrong with her and it tears her apart. Last year on the drive down to Florida it hit her when we stopped for the night that she had 5 kids and didn't remember them. "What kind of a mother doesn't remember?" she cried over and over for hours. This year, she became somewhat lucid when we were talking with a service that provides Caregivers. She said "What is this? What am I doing wrong? Why are you trying to put me in a box? I know you are talking about me - and you don't need to. I'm fine!" Dad is currently her main caregiver and it is wearing on him. I can see him slipping, especially this trip to Florida. It is no longer an option to leave them all alone. They need help and I need the reassurance there is another set of eyes on them.

There are a lot of awful parts about this disease, but I think when she knows she doesn't know, that is the worst. Because she just keeps asking - "Why? Why is this happening to me?" and I really do not have an answer for that, no one does. It's the 10 Million Dollar question right?! How do we cure Alzheimer's?

As hard as some of the moments were this week, some were awesome. We spent two whole days in the car singing Christmas Carols! Every time we went out for a walk we sang "We're off to see the Wizard! The Wonderful Wizard of Oz." In stores or  crowds when she would get anxious about all the people she would say to me "I'm trying to walk like you!" and then I would march, or wiggle my bum, or wave my arms and say in my best Steve Martin voice "Walk this way". 

Because I don't know their neighborhood in Florida at all I used the GPS to get even a mile and a half down the road to the store. GPS has always made mom and I giggle uncontrollably and even more so now that she always talks back to it. Add to that the fact that driving around in Florida is a night mare and the GPS was constantly saying to us TURN RIGHT THEN TURN RIGHT AND STAY RIGHT Whenever mom would ask "where are we going?" I would just say - turning right. And we would both dissolve into a fit  of giggles. My dad is extremely hard of hearing and much of our amusement is talking to him, him not hearing us, us laughing that he can't hear us, then making fun of him, then suddenly him hearing everything we just said.

For all the hard stuff, and there is a LOT of hard stuff, I try to hold onto the good stuff. The fits of giggles. The moments of lucidity. The way she gets excited about the green grass and the "pinkies". (every flower she sees) The fact that when she gets turned around she will say "Whoopsie doodle I'm off my noodle!" As soon as I say "I love you" she will say, "I love you more." And no matter how long I stay she will tell me to ask my mom if I can stay longer. I always say "I will".

We are so lucky because Mom is healthy and for the most part mom is happy. She smiles, sings, and sweeps a lot. She loves dad, life, babies, bright colors, soft things. Being productive and active is still very important to her and her biggest source of frustration. It can also be our biggest source of frustration in trying to find things to engage and occupy her. Dad is doing the best he can for something so out of his wheelhouse. He knows how to go out and make money so that mom can go buy whatever she needs including help. He does not always know how to be that help. Just like it does not help to get frustrated with mom - it does not help to get frustrated with my dad. (It doesn't mean that I don't) My goal is provide the support they need for now.

As I sit in the airport waiting for my return flight home and reflecting on all of this there is a knot in my stomach. I hate having to leave because part of me feels like I am deserting them but it is time to get back to my family. And part of me is so incredibly grateful for this time with mom and dad, all the memories. I will cherish them. These are the priceless little gifts I will hold dear this Christmas. 

Make some Jello...

I may have told this story before, but when I was in college and stressing about writing lesson plans, and a paper, and other homework I was complaining to my mom. At the time I was at my mom's Alma Mater and also studying education. She told me to go to the kitchen and make some Jello. WHY?! I hate Jello? Mom said it's not about the Jello. It's about getting unstuck, doing something where you can see results and knowing you can accomplish something. Then sitting down to write one lesson plan doesn't seem so overwhelming. If you write one, you can write two, and before you know it you have written the unit lesson plans. Just go make the Jello.

My mom hasn't given me advice for a quite awhile. My mom has Alzheimer's. She no longer really knows who I am. Memories like this one make my heart hurt, a lot. Because there are still so many moments when I wish I could ask my mom how to navigate this new place or just hear I'm not crazy. Just menopausal.

I still talk to my mom almost every single day, but it's not the same. It used to be her listening to me go on and on about the kids, my husband, and soccer moms. Now, I listen to mom go on and on about...anything. Sometimes she strings her thoughts together and I can almost forget she doesn't know I'm her daughter. Other days I sit patiently listening to her struggle to speak, think of words, and talk in circles that make no sense.

Once in a while, she will say something that knocks the air our of my lungs and the tears out of my eyes. Sometimes she says something like, Go make some Jello. And those moments are like catching a glimpse of an old movie. For a moment she's there-right there with me-then she's gone again.

My boys don't remember Nanna with out Alzheimer's. They don't remember the Nanna who read to them, and played trains with them, gave them a bath, and tucked them in. There are pictures but no memories of the Nanna who ran a business and community fund drives and every family holiday. It breaks my heart that they will never get that experience when she is still right here. 

I remember asking my mom, why Jello? She said "I just liked it." I still hate Jello, but I always have some in the pantry. Because sometimes, I just have to just- Go make the Jello.

Not until I say so...

Both boys suddenly have friends, who are girls, that they spend time with, alone. My husband is ALL for it. But he made it very clear to the boys - they are not girlfriends until he gets to meet them. I love that my husband thinks he has this much control!!

The boys response - " ok dad, she's not my girlfriend". There's no argument at all. "Bring them to the house!" Again -"ok dad". They are not phased. Dad holds no threat to his boys that both now tower over him. I have to admit this is a great source of mirth for me.

Last weekend my oldest texted me at 4:30 pm. "Hey mom, Any dinner plans? Just wondered if you wanted me home at any certain time?" So I texted back "No plan yet. What are you thinking?" So he called me and I was out with a friend at the time. I said, "I haven't gone to the store yet - what are you thinking?" and that's when my son said, "Well I was thinking of bringing my friend home for dinner..." Absolutely!

My husband was SO excited. He went into cleaning mode. Most women can relate and what you are probably thinking of is a quick pick up and Lysol wipe down. Nope. This is when my husband does things like vaccuum the basement carpet, clean out the refrigerator, trim the bushes, or wash a car.  The other factor of my husband going into go mode - he yells at everyone else to help him.

So I got my son's call at 4:30. We planned to eat at 6:30 pm. I had not yet been to the store and my son's girlfriend has food allergies. OH - and remember I was out with a friend at the time. I left for the store at 5 pm with the charge to make dinner for 5 that was gluten free and tree nut free (essential!) and for my family diary free and meat free options.

Meanwhile my husband cleaned things, barked and snipped at my youngest son, a lot, took a shower and stood by the front door waiting for them to arrive. When they pulled up the whole neighborhood was alerted as my husband started yelling "THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE!" You have to love his enthusiasm.

We had a great dinner, I didn't send anyone into anaphylactic shock, and they hung out and talked with us for a while. My husband smiled all night long. My son's girlfriend is 6'tall. They are both in engineering and the marching band. They are both quiet, thoughtful, serious, kind, and probably more family oriented then friend centered. 

And now she is officially a girlfriend - according to my husband! My son's not big on labels.