Raising your parents

 Watch for my first book titled "How To Raise Your Parents".

Taking care of my aging parents has been quite a trip. As my brother who was a Grateful Dead fan would say What a long strange trip it's been. It has definitely been stressful, but that is to be expected when you are also raising teenagers, working, and trying to get your marriage out of the toilet.

A lot of this experience has been enlightening. These years have not only given me a chance to see my parents in a new light but also to finally set up boundaries in our relationship. Our family was far from perfect. I was far from perfect! I have spent a lot of time and energy in healing the hurts, calming the chaos, and figuring out how to forgive. Forgiving myself took the most time.

I know for a fact I would not be this far without this time of vulnerability with my parents. Helping my dad navigate the decline and disintegration of my mom. Being there for both of them through surgeries and recovery. Holding my dad's hand when my older brother died from cancer while they were still estranged. It was during these times I witnessed my parents at their most vulnerable and caught what I think is a glimpse of who they were before me.

My dad has been in and out of the hospital in the last month and recently someone asked me, "How can you take care of a parent who never took care of you?" It's a valid question it's just not an easy answer. I am not sure that I can explain it, but I will try...here is what I know. 1. We do not get to pick our parents. So, I do not belabor the point. Like I tell students every time I pass out popsicles - you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit. 2. I want to live by the Platinum rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated, No matter how they are acting! 3. It is important for me to live my integrity, truth, and values. I believe taking care of your parents is fundamental. and I guess I know firsthand 4. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato.

It is an undeniable fact - I was an extremely difficult child. I didn't sleep over 2 hours in a 24 hour period until I was 3 years old. I screamed constantly. I was inconsolable. I was child #3. I was hyper and clingy and anxious. And I was (am) and asshole when I'm anxious. I have two older siblings and when I was four mom got pregnant which could not have been easy because little did she know she was having twins. Dad was self-employed and sold Real Estate to keep us all fed so he was always working and rarely home. At 52 years old with only 2 children I can give them both grace that they did the best they could! It sounds massively overwhelming considering all the other things we all know about married life. In-laws, siblings, birthdays, holidays, their own parents, sports, school functions, homework, broken arms, stitches, bills, etc, etc, etc....

They did the best they could. They gave me what they had to give. The atmosphere may not have been perfect but I had dance lessons, new clothes, vacations, over the top Christmases, boats, snowmobiles, cousins, and all 4 grandparents. Now, as an adult I have a choice to make be angry and resentful for I didn't get or go find it myself. My toolbox was pretty inadequate. I use the analogy that I had metric tools for a US system but there were some good tools in there. Loyalty, hard work, acts of service, contribute to your community, and love your family. Both Grandfathers were entrepreneurs. Both served their community, one as County Auditor-one as president of the Kawanis, and both as members of the church. My grandmothers were also forces to be reckoned were just as respected in the community and even more by their families.

As I said there's no easy answer. Like life and people, it's complicated. I am grateful for what they gave, sacrificed, and did. And I grateful for all of the opportunities and people along the way that showed me what was possible. Maybe now I can be there for them in the ways I wish could have been for me. 

Where are you TED??

 As my boys got older, busier, bigger it got harder and harder to find time to write ab out all their antics, angst, and anti-parentalness. Along with it came taking on helping my parents, more and more every year.

What a ride! I have wanted for quite a while now to sit down and think about those times and tell the stories they will want to hear in 20 years. Or more importantly the stories they partners and kids will want to hear. The hardest part about this time is that taking care of others - all others - leaves me with very few memories.

My boys made it through junior high and high school so there is that! 

My oldest made his mark in junior high by winning the American Legions Citizenship Award, the basketball team, and playing the Bari Saxaphone particularly in the jazz band. He solidified his love for running and debated soccer or Cross Country in high school but never questioned his place in the marching band. In high school he tried out for the Honor Band his freshman year and when he failed brilliantly vowed to work as hard as it took to get the honored seat. Which he did twice, however Covid messed up the first year. Covid, as well as building construction, made my oldest son's high school experience a minefield. He navigated all of the extra curriculars; soccer, track, marching/concert/jazz band, Hope Squad, AP classes, no friend group, and only one girlfriend that ended in disaster - with his own brand of overthinking, overworking, and OCD.

My youngest son struggled to follow in his brothers' footsteps finally finding his own footing. He would not choose cross country either but knew immediately band was not for him. He would gladly take a leadership role but seeing as he was the son who was determined to speak truth to power, he was rarely gifted those roles. He also wasn't gifted the coveted basketball spots in junior high school because as my neighbor liked to say - "you can't teach tall". Soccer didn't go much better in high school because the coach wanted a clone of his brother and was not sure what to do with the opposite. Also the whole speaking up thing wasn't on the list of characteristics the coach appreciated. He wasn't concerned with the honor roll, or AP classes, or service organizations. And no amount of screaming on my part made him concerned with getting a job either! This child created a whole new meaning of the word Strong Willed Child.

One thing I can say about both of my boys throughout junior high and high school. They were kind. They went out of their way to take care of and stand up for students whether it was special needs or special circumstances. They were respectful. Not just to authority to everyone. They were not afraid of standing alone. Neither of them really had any solid friends or friend groups during high school. They didn't drink or date and it was their choice not our rules. They hung out with us as we had dinners together and long conversations around the table. We watched movies some of them again, and again, and again! The summer of Battleship 15 times and AC/DC on repeat.

If you asked me during this time what I most wanted to do I would tell you honestly, Hang out with my kids. I still would! I am amazed, proud, in love with the men they are becoming. I always learn something new when we talk. They are truly 2 of my most favorite people on earth. I could not be more proud of who they are but that is not taking credit for it because I don't believe I have that much power. I am making a pledge to sit down more often and continue to chronicle, my original plan, their childhood, adolescence, and beyond in the best way that I can....writing.

Menopause.....God's sense of humor is warped!

I saw a video the other day with a list of just some of the wonderful things you can experience while going through menopause. Itchy ears, feeling like bugs are crawling on you, sudden sharp severe pains, brain fog, blurry vision, OCD and MORE! More?! Seriously?? Like women have not been through enough during our lifetime as we near the end we get to spend 20 years with Menopause.

It is great we are talking about it finally and older generations are no longer hiding this information from us just waiting for it to happen so they can cackle. But knowing it doesn't make it any easier. I went for a hike this morning thinking 70 degrees would be a reasonable temperature to not disintegrate. I was soaking wet with sweat in 10 minutes in, my ears were itching, I had shooting pain all over my body not to mention every joint in my body screaming at me "STOP IT you idiot!"

The sad part was after seeing that stupid video I didn't know if all of the symptoms were menopause or signs I was having a stroke and going to die alone in the woods trying to stay fit. Stupid exercise. I wasn't the first person on the trail this morning but I was swatting at invisible bugs. Except the one that was very real and very large. A kamikaze insect dive bombed my face and hit me so hard I lost my balance sliding off the side of the trail flailing to grab hold of something before I fell into the abyss. Until I realized I was not near the abyss, I was near the meadow so I was only going to fall on my tuchus.

Why won't my kids hike with me anymore??

God must have a very warped sense of humor. Was he up there with all those other male angels and giggling. "What else can we do?"

"I know- I know! What about making them barren, crazy, AND hot as hell? Then we can call them Hag's. Hot. Angry.Girl's."

You know there was at least one female angel up there rolling her eyes trying not to shoot lighting bolts at their nether regions. But she was sweet, demure, trying to get God to see reason. "You know God, maybe we should spread these things out a little more evenly?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, maybe both sexes could carry the burden a little more evenly, you know? Like if women get barren maybe men should as well? If women have to endure childbirth maybe men should have something equally as painful."

"Do you have any idea how bad it's going to hurt when they get hit in the rocks? It will be awful! But that men get barren idea - that's funny. that's a funny one! Hey guys listen to this one....she thinks Men should get barren as well!" 

Hence the saying God Forbid. 

One for the books!

 My youngest son has three cooking classes. Senior year is ALL about the fun, for sure.

We were both in the kitchen the other night which is rare these days. So I told him he had to help with dinner. As we were getting out ingredients, chopping, etc I asked what he learned in all his cooking classes. He sighed heavily and said "I've learned that everything I've been doing so far in my life is all wrong." I laughed and my first thought was that Food Network show where two chefs tried to teach normal people how to cook. The show usually ended in someone using the wrong knife, the wrong cutting board, or not cooking chicken to 165 degrees.

He was chopping something and I said "I am surprised that you are still willing to get in the kitchen, this hasn't scared you off eating!" That's when my son sighed heavily and said, "Listen Bitch." I busted out laughing. I couldn't stop laughing. My son was sputtering - "I didn't mean that! I'm sorry-I'm sorry!" Had I not been right next to him and watched the wheels turning.. and had I not just had the picture of that white haired female chef berating someone for using a saute pan for browning I might have taken pause. But I can only imagine a high school teacher trying to wrangle 20 teenagers making Pho.

I laughed all night long and will probably never let him live this down. The other reason this was not a huge deal-is because I know my son loves me. He tells me everyday. Usually not with a "Listen Bitch!" but....still funny!

Resolutions...my arch nemesis

New Years Resolutions are my arch nemesis. I've said this for years. But every year, I feel the need to push the reset button. To set a goal - however unattainable!

NO MORE TV! I know, if this lasts 30 seconds I will eat my hat. But I know the only reason I ever watch TV is to numb, escape, procrastinate. And if I have to read meme "Procrastination is not lazy, it is depression." I will scream - OK Universe, I got it!

Sigh. I am 51 years old. My marriage is barely OK 50% of the time, I have no career and hate my job. The only thing I am proud of is my kids and I can't really take credit for them! They are moving out into the world which is awesome but leaves me wondering -WTF do I do now? I have maybe two friends, I have 4 siblings left and only 1 of them speaks to me. I am taking care of my parents. Mom doesn't know who I am and now she can't even talk on the phone anymore. Dad has told me he is depressed and can't do this anymore but there is no money to pay for any other situation. My husband's mother is failing fast and now needs a live-in caregiver. We've been to one wedding in 10 years and 100 funerals.

I wanted to go to the HS in Fame, I wanted to be a dance teacher and bang my stick. I wanted to write Children's books and regular books and be on Oprah's Book Club list. I wanted to figure out this stupid anxiety bullshit, fix it once an for all, and no one would ever have to go through what I did. I wanted my Grandmothers to live Forever because they were the ONLY people who ever loved me, EVER!

No one tells you about this part....menopause, empty nesting, aging parents. We don't talk about how you wake up one day and think $%*@! What happened? Did I take a left turn at Albuquerque??? How did this get so sideways? And yet - I'd do it again mostly, I wouldn't straighten it all out. Don't get me wrong, there are a few moments I would absolutely call Do Over. But I do not regret my life.

I just don't know how I got to 50 so F'ing fast...and that means I am headed to 80 even faster. What do I want to look back on then? I'm going to start by turning off the TV, because I'm not finding any answers there. No Friends, no Fame, I'm not Dancing with any Stars and I am certainly not Solid Gold. Guess I need to accept the Facts of Life - Charles in not in Charge, these Happy Days are not all yours and mine but it is time for a Hart to Hart. Maybe a second honeymoon cruise on the Love Boat to Fantasy Island -or Maybe Dallas? Maybe I should start Moonlighting? Taxi? Mel's Diner? I mean who's the Boss here?? It's time for a Different World but with all change there are Growing Pains, all I can do is remember what matters most - Family Matters. I just know my life is feeling like one long episode of the Gong Show maybe it's time for a Little House on the Prairie?

Christmas Wishes

My mom has Dementia. She no longer recognizes me or any of her kids for that matter. She doesn't work, cook, or drive and she can no longer do things that require following a process like showering or dressing. She can no longer write and reading is hit or miss. Conversation is difficult because it is to hard for her to keep track of and understand what people are talking about.

What's awful about watching my mom disintegrate from dementia is knowing who she was prior. How does this even happen? Someone who taught 3-4 grade, raised 5 children, obtained her Realtor and Broker's licences and then bought a Century 21 Franchise, volunteered in the community, planned, organized, and cooked for every family function with a minimum of 35 people! HOW?! why......

The worst part though - are the days when she knows. She knows something is wrong with her and it tears her apart. Last year on the drive down to Florida it hit her when we stopped for the night that she had 5 kids and didn't remember them. "What kind of a mother doesn't remember?" she cried over and over for hours. This year, she became somewhat lucid when we were talking with a service that provides Caregivers. She said "What is this? What am I doing wrong? Why are you trying to put me in a box? I know you are talking about me - and you don't need to. I'm fine!" Dad is currently her main caregiver and it is wearing on him. I can see him slipping, especially this trip to Florida. It is no longer an option to leave them all alone. They need help and I need the reassurance there is another set of eyes on them.

There are a lot of awful parts about this disease, but I think when she knows she doesn't know, that is the worst. Because she just keeps asking - "Why? Why is this happening to me?" and I really do not have an answer for that, no one does. It's the 10 Million Dollar question right?! How do we cure Alzheimer's?

As hard as some of the moments were this week, some were awesome. We spent two whole days in the car singing Christmas Carols! Every time we went out for a walk we sang "We're off to see the Wizard! The Wonderful Wizard of Oz." In stores or  crowds when she would get anxious about all the people she would say to me "I'm trying to walk like you!" and then I would march, or wiggle my bum, or wave my arms and say in my best Steve Martin voice "Walk this way". 

Because I don't know their neighborhood in Florida at all I used the GPS to get even a mile and a half down the road to the store. GPS has always made mom and I giggle uncontrollably and even more so now that she always talks back to it. Add to that the fact that driving around in Florida is a night mare and the GPS was constantly saying to us TURN RIGHT THEN TURN RIGHT AND STAY RIGHT Whenever mom would ask "where are we going?" I would just say - turning right. And we would both dissolve into a fit  of giggles. My dad is extremely hard of hearing and much of our amusement is talking to him, him not hearing us, us laughing that he can't hear us, then making fun of him, then suddenly him hearing everything we just said.

For all the hard stuff, and there is a LOT of hard stuff, I try to hold onto the good stuff. The fits of giggles. The moments of lucidity. The way she gets excited about the green grass and the "pinkies". (every flower she sees) The fact that when she gets turned around she will say "Whoopsie doodle I'm off my noodle!" As soon as I say "I love you" she will say, "I love you more." And no matter how long I stay she will tell me to ask my mom if I can stay longer. I always say "I will".

We are so lucky because Mom is healthy and for the most part mom is happy. She smiles, sings, and sweeps a lot. She loves dad, life, babies, bright colors, soft things. Being productive and active is still very important to her and her biggest source of frustration. It can also be our biggest source of frustration in trying to find things to engage and occupy her. Dad is doing the best he can for something so out of his wheelhouse. He knows how to go out and make money so that mom can go buy whatever she needs including help. He does not always know how to be that help. Just like it does not help to get frustrated with mom - it does not help to get frustrated with my dad. (It doesn't mean that I don't) My goal is provide the support they need for now.

As I sit in the airport waiting for my return flight home and reflecting on all of this there is a knot in my stomach. I hate having to leave because part of me feels like I am deserting them but it is time to get back to my family. And part of me is so incredibly grateful for this time with mom and dad, all the memories. I will cherish them. These are the priceless little gifts I will hold dear this Christmas.